My sweet baby boy,

I miss you so.

I am sitting in our office with the sun shining on my face thinking of you. I must admit I have never looked at the sunshine, clouds, rain, sky the same way I do now. In fact, I never looked at anything with the same beauty and appreciation as I do now.

I talk to you every day. Do you hear me? I know that you do.

March 1st marked six months since we last held you in our arms. It also marked 1 year and 2 months since we've held you in our hearts . . .  from the moment we knew you had been created.

The days leading up to March 1st mommy noticed that things were becoming more difficult than they had been in a little while. I noticed how much harder simple every day easy tasks were. I became discouraged by my new ability to make everything challenging and frustrating. And then it hit me. Of course I knew we had a big day coming but it took a little bit for me to put it all together. Once I did realize I stopped everything, took time to talk to you and praise God for you and all His blessings. After that everything became much less difficult, less complicated and I had less frustration and more peace. Can you thank God for me personally, Evan? :-) 

On March 1st your big sis came to me talking about you as she often does. I realized, however, that on this day she didn't know about the fact that it had been six months since we last held you in our arms. Were you with her? Were you with us that morning, Evan? I believe you were.

She told me it wasn't fair that I got to hold you longer than she did. Mommy thought it was so sweet and precious. Of course I reminded her about how much she got to hold you and how amazing she was with you and how proud she was of her baby brother. She told me she knew all that but that she was talking about me getting to hold you in my belly for way longer than she did. She blows me away sometimes Ev. What was I to say? She was right and I have to admit that when she said it I felt good thinking about the fact that I got to hold you so long. Of course it wasn't long enough but no amount of time would ever be long enough.

I reminded her of all the times that mommy shared you with her while I carried you. All of the times she sang to you, talked to you, patted you and you kicked back. All the times we danced with you and made sure you knew about all the truly important things in life like how to make the best chocolate chip cookies and how much dough you could sneak and eat before your tummy hurts or mommy freaks out. :-) I think it was good for your big sis to hear this again because as you know she's still a little one herself and although she has a memory that blows me away we all like to remember everything about you and talk about you and hear about you as much as possible.  

We watched your ultrasound video. Evan you are so stinkin cute! I bet all your friends can't keep up with you in heaven. You were always so active! I remember feeling you at 14 weeks and thinking to myself what a blessing that was.

I think you know about a little surprise we are planning for your big sis. In fact, I think you have lead me in the right direction because this most recent find is just perfect and all came about too easy. Thanks, Ev. I know you'll be with us when we surprise her.

I know mommy tells you every day how grateful I am for you. I do because it's so very true. Evan, I find it hard sometimes to explain how I feel about you and how I feel about having had to experience the immense pain of letting you go too soon. I cry sometimes and then feel guilty because I don't ever want you to think I am sad about you. Sometimes I cry because I miss you. The time we had together on earth was so precious. Sometimes I cry because I feel so blessed to have experienced life with you.

The best way I can explain it to you now is this . . . After your sister was born I didn't think that my heart could be any more full of love. My love for her, your dad and our family made me feel like my heart would explode. Then you came along and I felt that same feeling all over again. It is the most beautifully intense feeling I could ever dream of. I feel so blessed to feel all the love and happiness I do now and whether you are here as you were just 6 months ago or you are in heaven I will always be blessed with having had the opportunity to grow so deeply in love with you . . . a love that lasts a lifetime and beyond. And all of this amazing love I have for you, your sister, your dad, our family and friends is all because of the love God so graciously gives to each of us. My love for Him has grown so beautifully too. So sometimes I cry sweet boy because the love I feel is so beautiful it brings me to tears.

We miss you. We love you. We hold you in our hearts now and forever sweet baby boy.

All my love, Your Mommy