My daughter and I visited our local Crisis Nursery and made a donation in Evan's honor yesterday. I am so grateful to have shared this experience with my sweet girl in honor of her baby brother. It was a beautiful moment on a day we'll always remember. Hoping we have more of these opportunities to come.

~ 12 Weeks~ Above all else . . . So very thankful

The dedication at the Angel of Hope was beautiful. It was a small ceremony, which presented an opportunity to learn more about the Angel of Hope. There are several that have been donated throughout the US. The angel at the park where Evan's memorial bricks are was the 5th to be donated in honor of precious babies gone too soon and their families who mourn. We learned all about how our area angel was donated and how the resting place for it was created. A truly beautiful and touching story. An example of one miracle after another. I am grateful that my family and I had the opportunity to be there together.

Here is a picture of Evan's memorial bricks:

Today, I feel like going and buying him his own entire pathway to the Angel of Hope. :-) I miss my sweet boy.
My beautiful mom brought white roses for each of us to lay at the base of the angel. They are beautiful and I was very grateful. She never ceases to think of ways to honor and cherish her precious grandson and I am grateful for the times she shares this with me and for the other special times I know she keeps to herself :-)

If you haven't yet, I recommend reading The Christmas Box. It is a beautiful story. My sister gave me a beautiful copy of it for my birthday. It is the story of this beautiful Angel of Hope and there are so many lessons to be learned in this short story.

I attended a women's retreat last Sunday evening with my little sister. It was titled "Listening with the Ear of Your Heart" and it was held at her church. I enjoyed the experience very much and have found that I not only gained a lot from the actual three hours that I was present with my sister and other women growing in faith but as I continue to reflect on what I learned and the messages that God was sending me in that very moment.

I participated in an activity in which we gathered in groups of three and shared about an area in our lives in which we wish God was more present. Initially, I had to be honest with the ladies and tell them that God is SO VERY present in my life. I actually had difficulty identifying an area in which I wished he was more present because in my blessings I praise God and in my struggles I know He is there guiding me, comforting me, carrying me. I have always hoped and prayed that God was with me. Now more than ever I know this to be true. A beautiful truth that I am so incredibly thankful for.

As the week has progressed I have reflected and discovered an area where I needed to go to God more. I needed to ask Him for peace and understanding in an area in my life that I hadn't invited him in yet. I have been carrying around some negative thoughts and feelings, which if I were to be honest have been present much longer than ever should have been. I have learned that expectations are not always what we imagine them to be. I'm afraid that I will struggle to explain this to you now because I'm still figuring it out myself. But I will try . . .

I never expected that I could love another child as much as I love my daughter. I so very much do. I never imagined that I could carry a beautiful child, enjoy every moment of his life while creating new ways to embrace everything about him and include him in every moment of our family falling more in love by the second only to say goodbye after 9 months and 54 precious minutes. I did and I'm a better person because of it. I hadn't expected that a tragedy could bring me closer to my husband in ways I never could have imagined and that I could actually love my beautiful girl even more than I already did from the moment she was created. It did and I do! I hadn't expected that my precious family would show me the true meaning of unconditional love (absolutely no judgement, an incredible amount of patience, peace, love, nurture, shared joy, grief, support and on and on) . . . incredible never ending love. They most definitely have!

I hadn't expected my dearest friends to be brave and stand right by my side through each scary moment, painful experience/thought/feeling, and celebrate every precious moment of my sweet boys life along with me. They were and absolutely did. I hadn't expected my incredible co-workers to provide ongoing support, understanding, compassion and comfort. They really have. I never expected to have so much love and support from people I never would have had the opportunity to meet if it weren't for my precious boy . . . to have made beautiful new friends that I will forever cherish. I definitely have.

I didn't expect to receive such incredible support and love from so many others who supported my family and took the opportunity to be a part of my son's life. We did! I didn't expect to have so many beautiful people show their support by reading our sweet boy's blog and praying for us when we needed your prayers most. We did! I know that I may not even know all of the individuals this applies to but know that I do not take you for granted and I am forever grateful to you!

As you can see, I have received so many beautiful blessings and all from things I had never expected. God is with me now in my efforts to rid myself of any negativity that may have ever existed as a result of those things I did expect but never received for my beautiful son, myself, my husband, our family. My expectations now fall one place and that is with my precious Lord.

To everyone that I have mentioned above and to those I have regretfully missed . . . I am thankful for you beyond words. To my husband and beautiful daughter . . . thank you my loves. To my sweet baby boy . . . momma loves you my sweet boy and as your big sister reminds me often, I carry you with me always sweet one, right here in my heart. I am so thankful for you my precious Evan. To my Heavenly Father, I praise you Lord today and everyday.

Dedication Rescheduled!!

The Angel of Hope dedication has been rescheduled! I am thrilled and very much looking forward to it!!

I just want to say how grateful I am for the incredible professionals at the agency that has created opportunities such as this for parents like my husband and I, siblings like my daughter, grandparents like Evan's, aunts and uncles like Evan's, cousins like Evan's, family and friends like Evan's to remember and honor our sweet baby boy.  The invitations were mailed but never received.  Because of these individuals this very special day I was looking forward to is going to happen and not next year during the next scheduled dedication (which is what I had already began accepting) but now. Thank you to everyone at Share.

I must admit I wish I had never had to have met them (at least not for personal reasons) but under the circumstances I am so grateful that I have.

Thank you God. And, thank you to Evan and our other guardian angels in heaven for praying for all of us here on earth who are missing you so deeply and loving you always.

~10 Weeks ~

I don't think I've shared this beautiful photo created by Carly Marie (http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/). Maybe I shared the link?

Evan's name in the sand  . . .

I miss my sweet baby boy.

I tend to be a positive person, a fighter and someone that can generally find the good in everything. It's my personality but I also have found strength through God, my family and close friends. My faith in God has only become stronger (thanks to my precious boy) and I am incredibly grateful because of this.

That being said and most definitely true I also find that I am so incredibly tired.

I am tired of waking up every morning with such a heavy heart. I'm tired of begging God for strength and peace to get through each and every day. I'm tired of experiencing such extreme emotions all of the time. I'm tired of feeling inconsistent and completely disregulated a lot of the time. I'm tired of trying to be strong and find the positive in everything when what I feel is anger, sadness, frustration, confused and lonely. I'm just so tired.

We had planned and were supposed to participate in a dedication ceremony at the Angel of Hope where three memorial bricks were placed in Evan's honor. While they mailed the invitations to everyone, we (along with others) did not receive our invitation. I continue to struggle with feeling angry that I didn't call sooner. I had a strong feeling that I should call while also feeling so strongly that there would be no way we would miss it. We missed it. That makes me angry, sad, disappointed and frustrated.

On Saturday, I attended a remembrance service with my mom, sister and daughter, lit a candle in memory of Evan and our loved ones who have passed and went to visit the park where Evan's beautiful memorial bricks are placed on a path to the Angel of Hope. This brought me peace and comfort and made me feel happy and so full of love.

I had time alone in my home on Sunday to light a candle for Evan, talk to him and pray for him, my daughter, our family. I felt joy, peace, love. 

On the way to school this morning to drop my daughter off she heard a song that she said reminded her of Evan. She heard the word tear and heart in the song and said she has tears sometimes when she thinks about Evan and carries him in her heart. I felt love, pride, compassion, sadness and so much empathy.

I am learning that every single day brings about so many emotions, which is why I feel so tired lately. Learning to live without a piece of myself, my family is the greatest challenge I've ever faced. I acknowledge that I am so very blessed to have two unbelievably amazing children, a loving and supportive husband, loving and nurturing family and incredible friends. And while I am so incredibly tired at times I know for certain that each day is a gift and I am so very grateful for every single one. I am grateful for the opportunity to experience God's grace, His blessings and love.

"In my distress I called to the Lord and He answered me." Jonah 2:2