Things are going pretty good. I've settled in a wonderful place of making and creating things for my little man. The lists I have created for things to do and buy and pack and on and on and on are almost comical I must admit. As you may have read below, my mom and I have made a total of two quilts and three receiving blankets for Evan. I was laughing as I pictured us rotating little Evan in and out of blankies on his birthday in order to get his touch and scent on every one. :-) Aunt Kristy will help us with this. She's an amazing organizer. :-) My mom made a beautiful matching blanket for my daughter. She brought them all over sealed nicely but of course we had to get them out and enjoy every one again. My daughter loves them all and understood that we would keep hers covered nicely with Evan's for now.

My Aunt Sheila is visiting us this weekend! My family and I will be going to a craft store (or two) to look for items to make a very special memory box for Evan. My family is crafty so I know we'll come up with something wonderful.

My husband has the entire weekend off and we are planning to soak up all the family fun and relaxation we can this weekend. I am excited to sleep in with him and enjoy those few moments we have when we can lie in bed with his arms around my belly and feel his son moving about. I often giggle because it seems as though in those morning hours that Evan knows right when daddy is there and starts moving around wildly. It's those moments I'll never forget and always remember with my husband and son because they both bring me so much peace and happiness always.

I have the perfect outfit in mind for my son and can't wait to go shopping for it this weekend, hopefully. If not, I keep telling myself to take a deep breath, there is time. Of course while I write that I tell myself how crazy that sounds and that I should probably just go tonight. Deep breath again. It brings me so much joy thinking about shopping for my sweet boy's birthday outfit, booties, etc. Which brings me to the beautiful cap that my sister is knitting for Evan. She sent me pictures and I cannot stop looking at them.

This is my beautiful (in every way) sister, Abbey, knitting Evan's cap!

This is his beautiful cap. Isn't she amazing!! Aunt Jean has made one too and I can't wait to see it also! :)

As far as our health goes . . . I feel really great with the exception of a little cold (no biggie) and these pains that keep popping up as my little man stretches and pushes my tummy to the max. But trust me, I'll take that pain and he can raise it for all I care as long as I keep feeling him kicking, playing and living life inside his mommy. I am feeling comforted knowing that his stronger movements means he is growing well and feeling good. I'm concerned about increased amniotic fluid but I remind myself that they didn't see an increase during our last ultrasound on June 6th. We go back for a very big day of baby Evan appointments, including an ultrasound, on July 11th. Can't wait to see my boy again!! I'm looking forward to getting a good update on everything about him. Praying they will tell us that there is no increase in fluid but also praying for preparation and peace for that day as we have a lot of ground to cover. I'm getting huge and hoping to get a cute pic of myself and Evan this holiday weekend so I can post it on my boy's blog. :-) 

Evan and I wish everyone a very safe and fun filled holiday weekend! God Bless America!!

Made my boy's blankies!!

I sewed!! My mom taught me how to sew this weekend and I made Evan's baby blankie (with mom's help of course)!! It was so relaxing and enjoyable to be behind the sewing machine making an adorable, soft, cuddly blankie for my boy. We also made two receiving blankets and my mom is working on a matching one for my daughter. We are making two blankets and two receiving blankets for Evan. I am looking forward to always have one of each to cuddle with while the others will be kept in a safe place to preserve Evan's scent as long as possible. I realize that we cannot predict whether Evan will be born stillborn or alive but I do know that I will have time with my son and during this time he will be wrapped (at some point :-) in all four blankies that his Nana and I made him. If Evan's daddy and I deem it appropriate for his big sister to be present after his birth, I am hoping to get a picture of her and her little brother with their matching blankies. If not, she will always know that she and her brother have matching blankies, which for now appears to make her very happy.


My daughter took this picture for me :-)



And my mom took this one for me :-)

My grandma Mary (maternal grandma) is not only one of the sweetest, kindest, gentle, loving women I've ever known but she was amazing behind a sewing machine! She and my great aunt had a sewing shop together years ago when I was little and I always used to love being there with them. I would pretend the shop was mine and could play in there all day. Unfortunately, we lost my grandma to cancer years ago. My mom reminded me this morning that today is my grandma's birthday. It seems perfect that my mom taught me how to sew and I used a sewing machine for the first time the weekend of my grandma's birthday. :-)

Play time with my little man!

I attended a training today in which I sat comfortably listening to a speaker for most of the day. Evan was extremely active today, especially this morning. I often pat my belly very similar to a mother patting their babies bottom. Today as I felt Evan move I patted my belly a little faster in different areas all over my belly. Evan responded by giving me a little nudge in the area where I had just patted fast. It lasted for a few minutes and was totally awesome!! He was playing with momma!! I couldn't help but smile and I'm sure the lecturer thought I was losing my mind. :-) Later, after our play time, I patted the center of my belly where he was pressing firmly and put my baby boy to sleep.

Today I am feeling extremely grateful for my husband coming home early from an out of town work trip this week, a great night of restful sleep with no bad dreams, an awesome morning and drop off with my daughter this morning and a very special play time with my son!!

One day at a time . . .

My daughter had her four year check up Monday. I was nervous about her getting two vaccines because of course I didn't want her to experience even a second of pain. However, she proved to me, once again, how incredibly amazing she is. Her vision test (this was so much fun for me to watch her do) resulted in perfect results! Her hearing test . . . perfect! She is in the 80th percentile for height and 60th for weight. Thus, a perfect little bundle of sweet baby girl! :-) Just before it was time for her vaccines I explained that this was the next and last step for the day. She asked wonderful questions, as usual, and began preparing herself calmly (to my surprise). When the nurse entered the room she listened to the directions, asked more questions, and got into place holding my hands. The nurse gave one vaccine on one arm with my daughter watching the entire time even though we encouraged her not to. She cried a little and then the other vaccine in the other arm. She then looked right at me with tears in her eyes and in the sweetest voice said, "no big deal mom." With two super shiny silver bandaids she was off the table swiping three stickers from the nurse and out the door. When we got to the car she asked me if I knew why she got three stickers. I went into what a big girl she was and how she deserved those stickers, etc. She said, "no mom, I got one for you and daddy too." A doctors visit I'll never forget!
Yesterday I had a doctors visit of my own. I went to my OBGYN and met with the Nurse Practitioner. I have been battling with some intense periods of negativity. This is not normal for me at all as I am generally a very happy, positive person. So when I feel like ripping everything off the walls, counters, dressers, or my desk at work and screaming at the top of my lungs this usually scares me. I dropped my daughter off at pre-k yesterday morning feeling my irritability rising and in an effort to not lose my patients with my sweet girl I had to give her a kiss, hug and walk away from her while she cried for me (we struggle with this and sometimes I think I could write a blog just about goodbyes at school :-) bless her heart).
Before I even made it to my car the tears started rolling. Once inside my car I almost felt like a different person . . . screaming, crying, screaming. I must admit God got a few jabs from me yesterday morning and while I do feel guilty for that, we talked, I asked for His forgiveness and I think what he told me is that he can take it . . . that he wants to take it.
When I arrived at the doctors office I was once again filled with a mixture of emotions. Excitement and happiness for all of the beautiful moms waiting to see their doctor. Excitement and happiness that I was about to hear Evan's heartbeat. And the intense pain, sadness, and frustration that simply exists in my world knowing that my son will only be with me for a short time longer.
I learned that I was 27 weeks yesterday (not 26 and 5 days as I had thought). The medical assistant probably thought I was a nut when I argued with her a little about that and then said, "oh, ok, well fine then, whatever." Little did she know that all I was thinking was that she just took one VERY important day away from me. I'm counting my last days with my son here lady and you just took one of them away from me just like that. Poor lady, I wanted to hug her after that little temper tantrum I had. She didn't seem to mind as she just patted my leg and went on her way.
The Nurse Practitioner came in and gave me the biggest, sweetest hug. She cried a little with me as I told her that I am normally very strong and have happy days so I'm sorry that I happened to be coming in on this very difficult morning. She listened, asked about Evan's name and then wrote it in our chart for all to recognize and remember. We listened to Evan's beautiful heartbeat. She had the lab draw blood and gave me my Rhogam injection so I don't have to come back next Thursday (so thoughtful of her!). I thought about a million and one other ways she could have approached me yesterday morning and realized that she gave me what I needed . . . compassion, understanding, a moment to talk openly about my beautiful boy. I believe this is God intervening, giving me what I need to endure this journey one day at a time. One day at a time . . .

In my "About Me" section of this blog I stated that my daughter brings more joy than I could have ever imagined or ever felt before her. This is so, so very true. I realized that I can and do say the same for our son. When I started this blog I, of course, loved my son and was grateful for him. However, I realized reading my "About Me" this morning exactly how much my love for him has grown. I am entering a period of deep sadness and fear that my time with Evan is coming to an end all to soon. I am only 26 weeks and 1 day but dreams of our goodbye are not helping these feelings/fears at all. I am praying that my dreams couldn't be more wrong. I am turning to God for strength, guidance and comfort for myself and for Evan but sometimes I feel like escaping all of this, running to my mom's, falling in her arms and experiencing my sadness. There will be time for that but for now I find strength in the little miracles God gives me every day.

Footprints in the Sand

One night I had a dream.
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand:
one belonging to me, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
“Lord, You said that once I decided to follow You, You’d walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why when I needed You most You would leave me.”
The Lord replied,
“My precious child, I love you and would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you.”

~Margaret Fishback Powers

My Wish for my baby boy . . .

I've tried to stay strong for my son and my daughter. I realized yesterday in my supervisor's office that I haven't allowed myself to experience many emotions while I entered an intense period of survival mode (planning, preparing, reading, and enjoying sweet little precious moments when I feel my son's movements). I cried yesterday for a brief moment and it felt ok, almost necessary. This morning, I listened to this song by Rascal Flatts that I love. The first time I heard it I felt like I could hear my mom or dad singing it to me and now I love playing it for my children and/or singing it to them. I had a much needed cry and conversation with my son this morning. I have so many hopes, dreams, wishes for my son in this life and his life with God. Today, I wish that my son will always know that I will forever love him with all my heart. I wish that he will know and understand the joy he has brought me and continues to bring me because I worry that some days my sadness may be too heavy for him, which is the last thing I want. I wish that he never experiences a second of pain and that he only knows comfort, love and peace. My wish for my sweet boy is that his guardian angels are waiting for him with open arms when God takes him and that they bathe him in love, comfort, peace, joy, and all the nurturance of a mother's love until I can meet him again.

Mission Accomplished . . .

We were blessed to have a fun filled family weekend this weekend. Evan's daddy was off all weekend (yeah!) and his Aunt Kristy was in town for a short visit (yeah!). We are so very fortunate to live close to (within minutes) his Nana and Aunt Abbey, Uncle Ryan and my sweet nephew, so it makes for a big fun family weekend when we can all be together! This weekend for me was dedicated to enjoying every second with family and accomplishing two specific tasks for Evan: 1) Finding the perfect material for his blankie that my mom and I will make together and 2) Finding a book for my daughter that would help explain where Evan will be going (rather than coming home) after he is born and so that I can also read it to Evan in hopes of comforting him as well. The first was a huge success!!
With my mom's help and guidance we picked out the perfect material to make a very soft, cuddly and precious blue and yellow blankie for my son to wrap him in when we meet him. We also found material that matches Evan's but in cute pinks and greens in order to make a matching one for my daughter. While we were picking out material, Aunt Kristy helped my daughter pick out her own project for Evan, per my daughter's request. :-) She chose a piece of craft "paper" to put hearts, crosses and letters to write Evan's name. She laid it all out and explained what she chose and why and then hurried to the register with excitement with Aunt Kristy to purchase her amazing ideas and makings of a beautiful gift for her little brother. It warmed my heart. Finding the blanket material brought me so much peace and joy and knowing that we will begin making his blanket next weekend gives me so much to look forward to this week (although I hope each day takes it's time passing as I remind myself not to rush through any of the next days with my son).
Task #2 ended up a little different than I had expected but nonetheless was a success. As I stated above, my intentions for purchasing a book were for my daughter, initially, and then also to read to Evan. I had it in my mind that she needed something more to help her understand, help her cope, etc. However, I realized while in the bookstore that my daughter appears to be coping well. Reading books with my mom and sister hoping to find the "right one" helped me to realize that there isn't a right one right now and that my husband and I have done an ok job explaining what we know to her (I have always doubted if I have done ok with this). I also realized that she will come to me/us when/if she needs more information and that I am safe in knowing she will do this as she has so many times before. While discovering all of this I found and purchase a very special book for Evan, The Next Place. It is a book I will read to him and feel comforted as I do. I am hopeful that we will be able to have his hand prints placed in the book for his family and I to cherish always.
We took our daughter and son to the pool and park yesterday. I swung Evan while my husband swung our daughter next to me. While playing on the playground my daughter met a little girl and they quickly became playground buddies. I overheard my daughter telling her new friend what her dad's name is followed by "my grandma's name is Ilene but she isn't here anymore. She was really sick so she can't be with us here but she is in our hearts." For a second, I was concerned that her new friend might run away from my daughter. She didn't and I was so grateful for that and for the opportunity to observe this moment. I was able to witness my precious daughter's beautiful heart wanting to share about her loved one she cannot see or touch but undoubtedly loves with all her heart. I wondered if she will greet new friends on the playground in a few months and share this same story about her baby brother, certain that she will, and proud of her for that.

This post may be a bit scattered today as I am feeling this way myself . . . I am 25 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I am growing increasingly more anxious about the time I left with my son, which makes it difficult to sleep at night and concentrate during the day. I am holding on to having at least 15 more weeks with him but realize that this might not be possible. Sometimes I become so angry realizing what little control I have in this. What little ability I have to do and/or decide anything for my son that will protect him and allow me to keep him close for as long as possible. However, as I type this I remind myself that through God's love and guidance and that of my families we made the decision to carry him as long as God's will allows and to ensure he experiences the most love, peace and comfort we can provide until then. It seems this journey is a lot like that above . . . I experience an intense negative feeling or thought that is fairly quickly comforted by a more positive and accurate thought and more peaceful, positive feelings. Sometimes this happens so quickly and other times it takes longer . . . either way it becomes a bit overwhelming emotionally at times.
I am thinking of things that I would like to do for my son and with him during these next 15 weeks (or so). We have taken him on our annual summer vacation to the Lake with family (which includes all of the fun and relaxing lake stuff you can imagine thanks to his amazing family). He has been to the zoo with his big sister, and two of his cousins and he celebrated his big sisters 4th birthday with her and her family/friends. He goes to his big sister's dance class each week and loves the music as he enjoys dancing himself (one of my favorite nights of the week spent with my two kiddos!!). Evan went to the movies with his sister and I to see Kung Fu Panda II. And of course, I am ensuring that he gets all the nutrients and best sweets a boy could ever need or desire! ;-) We read to him and sing to him and I tell him stories about his grandma Ilene, great grandma Mary and great grandpa Eddie (among others) who he will meet when he meets our heavenly Father.
This evening my mom, sister, daughter and I will be going shopping for material and other supplies to make a sweet, soft, and cuddly blanket for Evan, which brings me peace and joy.
I welcome any suggestions and thoughts related to ways in which I can continue to embrace every moment with Evan. That is, if you can figure out how to comment, which I am still trying to figure out myself. :-)
I believe I had forgotten to add one extremely important bit of information in my earlier blog regarding Evan's ultrasound. Evan measured 1lb 8oz and had a perfect heart rate!
As for now, I continue to remind myself of the following:
Some Loves last a Moment
Some Loves last a Lifetime
Sometimes a Moment is a Lifetime ~ Author Unknown
I am loving and embracing every movement (every moment) with my sweet boy. Praising God that his movements are getting stronger by the day.

Our beautiful boy . . .

Yesterday, just one month after we received news of our son's fatal diagnosis, my husband and I went to the perinatal center to see our son (ultrasound) and talk with the doctor who confirmed our son's diagnosis on May 6th. As you can imagine, sleeping the night before the appointment was challenging. I was angry with myself for not praying over the past month for the miracle that my son would be healed, that it would be God's will and that the doctors would tell us "it's a miracle, your son has been healed." I questioned God, "is it too late God?" "Can you hear me now, can i beg this of you now?" And then I realized as I had just moments after learning of my son's fatal diagnosis that God was with my Evan, with me, my husband, my daughter and my family and all I could ever do, would ever do is pray for His will to be done and ask for peace, strength and courage throughout this journey. I realized that surviving this journey would be a miracle and accepted the reality that my son has anencephaly and would not be coming home with his mommy and daddy to meet his big sister. It was a couple of weeks later that I also came to realize that God may have (more than likely has) already intervened in so many ways (ways that I don't feel comfortable sharing here now) to ensure that I would be able to continue to try my best to be the mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend that I have always wanted and tried to be. (I must admit that I have been and continue to be so fearful that this may not be true and find myself evaluating my parenting and behavior so frequently . . .even more than before, which if you know me is pretty scary! :-)
Yesterday morning my husband and I dropped our beautiful daughter off at pre-k and went off to spend time with our son. I was anxious, nervous, overwhelmed, fearful and so much more. The wait to be called was long and as I sat in the large waiting room I saw a woman sitting across from me on the far wall. I saw that she was crying and wiping away her tears. Of course, I had no idea why she was crying but I had this incredible urge to hug her, comfort her. In an effort to remain somewhat composed, instead I made eye contact with her, smiled gently, wiped my own tears, and prayed.
My name was called and my husband and I met an amazing stenographer and nurse. We entered the ultrasound room and soon after began the ultrasound. We saw our son, our Evan and for a moment everything disappeared except my husband, our son, the stenographer that beautifully described our son's every body part and movement, and me.

If you are a parent, aunt, uncle, or just have an amazing love for children you can understand me when I say that there are moments when children take our breath away. Moments when you become so full of love, warmth, peace, and joy so deep and amazing that you want to get lost in that moment. My daughter creates these kind of moments frequently (she's amazing!!). In fact, lying with her last night she did this very thing. Well, it is moments like this that explain exactly how I felt at the moment my son was kicking his little feet and legs so sweetly and we sat watching it for as long as he would allow before changing his position (stinker!). It was exactly how I felt in the moment that the stenographer wanted to take a closer look at my son's face/head and realized that my sweet boy had his arm/hand covering his forehead so that we could not see any sign of anencephaly but only his beautiful nose, lips and chin.  It was in this moment that my fears of what he might look like and wondering if I would be able to see him without washing away a beautiful picture I have of him in my mind disappeared (I am being very honest and also need to add that it has pained me to no end to think about how scared I have been and how fearful I have felt in regards to seeing my son for the first time). Evan's actions dissolved my fear in this sweet precious moment. I thought to myself, he doesn't have to be bashful, sweet boy you don't have to be shy with your mommy and daddy we think you are perfect.

We had to stop the ultrasound for a moment because our breath was taken away by our son but we were able to continue and see more of his beauty and perfection. It was phenomenal . . . he is phenomenal. My sweet husband was amazing, as always, as we experienced this together. I have pictures on a CD of these beautiful moments. The one above is the moment I described in which my son's arm/hand was across his forehead (middle/left you will see his chin, lips, nose and some of his eyes). I know if you are still reading this long post :-) you too will see how beautiful and perfect my son is.

~ Happy Anniversary to my Amazing Husband ~

My husband and I celebrated our 6 year anniversary together this past weekend surrounded by our amazing family. It was wonderful and we enjoyed our weekend together so very much. We have been loving each other for a little over 15 years and just when you think you really know someone you realize that there is so much more to love about them. I've always known that my husband is an incredible man with the most amazing heart and I've always been so very grateful because of that. I overheard one of my co-workers say recently that it isn't just the happy, great times that families experience that bring them closer and make them stronger as a unit, it's the difficult times, the challenges that families face together (together being the key word - and so important for my husband and I as we travel this journey together) that makes them stronger and brings them closer. Boy is this true. While I would give and do anything to change our son's fatal diagnosis, I know I can't. Therefore, I will be grateful for the gifts that our son and God have and will continue to bless us with. I am so unbelievably grateful for Evan and to Evan for helping his father and I experience love on so many new amazing levels. I am grateful to him for teaching me that there is always room to grow and for giving us an opportunity to continue to grow, deepen and strengthen our love and relationship. I am beyond words grateful for the love my husband and I have for one another, our children, our family and our friends who have chosen to walk this path with us and be there for us in every possible way.

New things!!

First of all, I want to say thank you very much to the people following my blog and the others who visit my page to read my blogs/updates. I truly appreciate your support.
We have had new things happening recently. My daughter turned FOUR!! We had a wonderful birthday party for her at home and so many wonderful family members and friends came to help us celebrate one of the most precious gifts we have ever received . . . our little girl! She had a fabulous time and was blessed to receive so many new and wonderful things. Four is going to be an exciting year and we are looking forward to spending every second of it with her. :-)
I learned something new about my baby boy. He LOVES ice cream as much as his mommy. The lil' stinker was moving and dancing all around after I enjoyed a nice cold yummy ice cream at the zoo on my daughter's birthday. Of course, I had to test the theory (a couple times) and discovered that it's true! He adores his ice cream. It's unfortunate but I guess I'll just have to be eating a lot of ice cream in the next coming days, weeks, months. lol! :-) 
Another new and exciting thing happened this week. I felt my son move with my hand for the first time. I have been feeling sweet little flutters since approximately 15 weeks (and thank the Lord for that!). They have become stronger with time but I worried that they may never get so strong that I (or others) would be able to feel him from the "outside." When I discussed my thoughts/concerns with my doctor, she told me that, although she couldn't be certain, Evan's movements may not get much stronger.
Well, no reason to be concerned after all! (squeals of joy) I had my hand rested on my tummy and not only felt Evan push but saw my hand move. It was a moment of pure JOY and EXCITEMENT! Last night as I laid with my daughter who fell asleep leaning against me with her legs on my stomach. I saw her legs move just as I felt Evan moving inside. I can't tell you the love and peace that I experienced at that moment . . . that brief moment when my daughter and my son connected. Neither of them realized (my daughter asleep) but it is a memory that will be with me forever. I am incredibly grateful for these moments and pray that I/we have more to come.