One day at a time . . .

My daughter had her four year check up Monday. I was nervous about her getting two vaccines because of course I didn't want her to experience even a second of pain. However, she proved to me, once again, how incredibly amazing she is. Her vision test (this was so much fun for me to watch her do) resulted in perfect results! Her hearing test . . . perfect! She is in the 80th percentile for height and 60th for weight. Thus, a perfect little bundle of sweet baby girl! :-) Just before it was time for her vaccines I explained that this was the next and last step for the day. She asked wonderful questions, as usual, and began preparing herself calmly (to my surprise). When the nurse entered the room she listened to the directions, asked more questions, and got into place holding my hands. The nurse gave one vaccine on one arm with my daughter watching the entire time even though we encouraged her not to. She cried a little and then the other vaccine in the other arm. She then looked right at me with tears in her eyes and in the sweetest voice said, "no big deal mom." With two super shiny silver bandaids she was off the table swiping three stickers from the nurse and out the door. When we got to the car she asked me if I knew why she got three stickers. I went into what a big girl she was and how she deserved those stickers, etc. She said, "no mom, I got one for you and daddy too." A doctors visit I'll never forget!
Yesterday I had a doctors visit of my own. I went to my OBGYN and met with the Nurse Practitioner. I have been battling with some intense periods of negativity. This is not normal for me at all as I am generally a very happy, positive person. So when I feel like ripping everything off the walls, counters, dressers, or my desk at work and screaming at the top of my lungs this usually scares me. I dropped my daughter off at pre-k yesterday morning feeling my irritability rising and in an effort to not lose my patients with my sweet girl I had to give her a kiss, hug and walk away from her while she cried for me (we struggle with this and sometimes I think I could write a blog just about goodbyes at school :-) bless her heart).
Before I even made it to my car the tears started rolling. Once inside my car I almost felt like a different person . . . screaming, crying, screaming. I must admit God got a few jabs from me yesterday morning and while I do feel guilty for that, we talked, I asked for His forgiveness and I think what he told me is that he can take it . . . that he wants to take it.
When I arrived at the doctors office I was once again filled with a mixture of emotions. Excitement and happiness for all of the beautiful moms waiting to see their doctor. Excitement and happiness that I was about to hear Evan's heartbeat. And the intense pain, sadness, and frustration that simply exists in my world knowing that my son will only be with me for a short time longer.
I learned that I was 27 weeks yesterday (not 26 and 5 days as I had thought). The medical assistant probably thought I was a nut when I argued with her a little about that and then said, "oh, ok, well fine then, whatever." Little did she know that all I was thinking was that she just took one VERY important day away from me. I'm counting my last days with my son here lady and you just took one of them away from me just like that. Poor lady, I wanted to hug her after that little temper tantrum I had. She didn't seem to mind as she just patted my leg and went on her way.
The Nurse Practitioner came in and gave me the biggest, sweetest hug. She cried a little with me as I told her that I am normally very strong and have happy days so I'm sorry that I happened to be coming in on this very difficult morning. She listened, asked about Evan's name and then wrote it in our chart for all to recognize and remember. We listened to Evan's beautiful heartbeat. She had the lab draw blood and gave me my Rhogam injection so I don't have to come back next Thursday (so thoughtful of her!). I thought about a million and one other ways she could have approached me yesterday morning and realized that she gave me what I needed . . . compassion, understanding, a moment to talk openly about my beautiful boy. I believe this is God intervening, giving me what I need to endure this journey one day at a time. One day at a time . . .