Today is International Bereaved Father's Day. Today, I remember all of the wonderful daddy's out there who have lost a precious baby. I send thoughts of peace to them. Today, I honor the most amazing daddy that I have the privilege of also calling my husband. The man I love so dearly. I pray for peace in his heart today and always.
We continue to adjust. My husband will be returning to work this coming week. We'll be ok of course and we have thoroughly enjoyed our time together but I am still going to miss my husband, daughter and I being together all of the time.
I've felt fairly strong and comfortable over the past three weeks because I've been with my husband and daughter and/or my other family including my sisters, nephews, mom . . . with someone I love so dearly all the time . . . the strength and confidence I feel with them is empowering and I know it is because they too were and are close to Evan. They remind me of Evan and they love him as I do.
My family was close before, don't get me wrong, but in this difficult time as I continue to grieve I feel very lucky . . . very blessed to have such loving, understanding and patient family. My older sister, Kristy, will be visiting this week and I'm very excited about that. She posted a comment on one of my blog entries recently that made me think a lot. I instantly received peace and comfort after reading it but spending more time thinking about it has helped me gain so much more . . .I can find peace and strength by seeing my son live through the ones I love so dearly who also loved him. That is such a blessing.
Being and feeling close to God is so incredibly important for me because I believe if I am close to him then I must be close to Evan. I have always yearned to grow in my faith but now that yearning is even stronger and more powerful than ever.
Do you ever have times when you feel like you are learning and growing so fast you almost can't keep up? I feel like I have gained so much knowledge about so many different things (mostly just personal things about life, love, faith, etc. but all beautiful nonetheless) and I'm having a difficult time keeping everything straight without writing it down and/or talking with someone special to me about it in hopes they'll help me remember. My sweet boy has brought me and continues to bring me so much growth, continuous positive change and the most precious love!
I was watching A Walk to Remember (tear jerker!!) and when I heard the last line of the movie it totally hit home for me. Landon (boy in the movie) says "Our love is like the wind. I can't see it but I can feel it."
I had some separation anxiety (yes, I admit it . . . not only did my daughter have it but I did too) up until very recently and it helped to remind myself that my daughter felt my love even when I couldn't be with her. I experienced anxiety the most during work days when she was at school. She doesn't spend much time away from me unless she is at school, which is a long day . . . too long in my book. Otherwise, if we are apart she is with family and I couldn't be any more comfortable when she's with our family.
So, if you knew how bad my separation anxiety was before Evan you could imagine how it would be capable of breaking me completely given the physical separation we are experiencing at this time. If it wasn't for the support I have and continue to receive from my family and close friends it would be more challenging. But what is really powerful is the guidance, strength, love and support I have and continue to receive through my growing faith . . . by believing in God's love for all of His children and learning more about this beautiful love every day.
I received an absolutely beautiful little boy angel statue from my co-workers who are also very dear friends. I am blessed to have such an amazing and supportive team to work with! I love that sweet little angel boy so much! It meant the world to me that they remembered my plans for Evan's garden. I can't wait to look out my window every day and see the angel standing in our backyard surrounded by Evan's garden. For now, the angel is inside my house where I can keep him close :-) . . . it's this and other memorabilia (my necklace, amazing pictures, two beautiful angel figurines, candles, bracelets, etc.) that I have that give me a visual reminder of our sweet boy but like the wind . . . I can always feel his love.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Remembering Evan ALWAYS
Oh boy have I been missin' my boy! Hard does not describe some of the most difficult moments that pass each day when I feel an incredibly sharp pain in my heart that comes with missing him so terribly much.
We've been staying very busy as we usually are but now we are busy and I am always thinking about how Evan is with us . . . smelling our beautiful boy's sweet baby boy scent suddenly out of no where and stopping to take it in as much and as long as possible before it fades away, feeling him in the breeze, the sun peeking through the trees just long enough to pop out and say hi and then go back beyond the clouds, the much needed rain, the grass that is finally turning green again, the smiles my baby girl gives me from across the room as if she knows what I'm thinking and may be thinking the same exact thing, the calls, texts, emails that I receive from my family and those of you who continue to offer your amazing support just when I need it to help remind me what amazing love and support God has blessed us with in our lives and all the wonderful love that our son will always have . . . and on and on and on . . . but most definitely knowing and the most incredibly feeling of having Evan in our hearts forever and always.
I was on the phone the other day describing how my husband and daughter were cleaning out the garage. She loves to help daddy and getting dirty is an added bonus! As I mentioned what they had been working on together that morning (and while they happened to be taking a break in the kitchen with me at that moment) I had overheard my daughter lean over to her daddy and say that Evan was helping them in the garage too. She had the sweetest smile and sparkle in her eye as she shared this with him . . . this acknowledgement that she shared as though it was almost a secret. This simple little acknowledgment from our sweet little four year old sent me spinning with amazement, happiness, love and joy.
I cannot remember the conversation I was having on the phone before, let alone after, she said this to her daddy. I know my daughter cannot possibly understand the beauty she brings to me in those precious moments but God does and so I am certain to try to remember to thank Him every single time for those beautiful moments with my daughter when she remembers her sweet baby brother in the most precious ways.
We've been staying very busy as we usually are but now we are busy and I am always thinking about how Evan is with us . . . smelling our beautiful boy's sweet baby boy scent suddenly out of no where and stopping to take it in as much and as long as possible before it fades away, feeling him in the breeze, the sun peeking through the trees just long enough to pop out and say hi and then go back beyond the clouds, the much needed rain, the grass that is finally turning green again, the smiles my baby girl gives me from across the room as if she knows what I'm thinking and may be thinking the same exact thing, the calls, texts, emails that I receive from my family and those of you who continue to offer your amazing support just when I need it to help remind me what amazing love and support God has blessed us with in our lives and all the wonderful love that our son will always have . . . and on and on and on . . . but most definitely knowing and the most incredibly feeling of having Evan in our hearts forever and always.
I was on the phone the other day describing how my husband and daughter were cleaning out the garage. She loves to help daddy and getting dirty is an added bonus! As I mentioned what they had been working on together that morning (and while they happened to be taking a break in the kitchen with me at that moment) I had overheard my daughter lean over to her daddy and say that Evan was helping them in the garage too. She had the sweetest smile and sparkle in her eye as she shared this with him . . . this acknowledgement that she shared as though it was almost a secret. This simple little acknowledgment from our sweet little four year old sent me spinning with amazement, happiness, love and joy.
I cannot remember the conversation I was having on the phone before, let alone after, she said this to her daddy. I know my daughter cannot possibly understand the beauty she brings to me in those precious moments but God does and so I am certain to try to remember to thank Him every single time for those beautiful moments with my daughter when she remembers her sweet baby brother in the most precious ways.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Momma I'm Flying
I woke this morning with a heavy heart, crying and feeling so very lonely. I've prepared myself for this as I have acknowledged that this is a normal response . . . normalcy in regards to the natural grieving process. However, no matter how prepared and/or aware I am of this "process" it's so hard . . . so difficult. I was incredibly grateful that my husband was waiting for me downstairs, arms wide open waiting to embrace me in the hug I needed more than anything at that very moment.
We have been so incredibly grateful to have the time we have had together as a family since Evan's birth. We acknowledge how tremendously blessed we are for this time off work to be together with our sweet girl so that we can take the time necessary to grieve together, heal together, be together embracing the birth of our beautiful boy and establishing our new "normal."
So hours later, after waking in sadness, I sit here having prayed, watched our son's beautiful video, addressed announcements, talked to my husband, spent time with our daughter, blogged, and listened to the play list on my ipod that has brought me so much comfort . . . I accept my sadness, I experience it but more than anything . . . I acknowledge that my sadness today is for me . . . not for my beautiful boy in heaven.
I love this beautiful song I've heard it before but I didn't really listen to it and hear it the way I do now until my sister put it in the beautiful video she created for us in honor of Evan. Now, I wish it could be and would be playing every where I am, every where I go . . . all of the time.
I can hear the messages that God and my sweet baby boy are sending me and the warmth I feel wrapped around me as I listen to this song . . . the message that my precious angel baby is flying . . . he is ok, better than ok, Evan is FLYING!!
We have been so incredibly grateful to have the time we have had together as a family since Evan's birth. We acknowledge how tremendously blessed we are for this time off work to be together with our sweet girl so that we can take the time necessary to grieve together, heal together, be together embracing the birth of our beautiful boy and establishing our new "normal."
So hours later, after waking in sadness, I sit here having prayed, watched our son's beautiful video, addressed announcements, talked to my husband, spent time with our daughter, blogged, and listened to the play list on my ipod that has brought me so much comfort . . . I accept my sadness, I experience it but more than anything . . . I acknowledge that my sadness today is for me . . . not for my beautiful boy in heaven.
I love this beautiful song I've heard it before but I didn't really listen to it and hear it the way I do now until my sister put it in the beautiful video she created for us in honor of Evan. Now, I wish it could be and would be playing every where I am, every where I go . . . all of the time.
I can hear the messages that God and my sweet baby boy are sending me and the warmth I feel wrapped around me as I listen to this song . . . the message that my precious angel baby is flying . . . he is ok, better than ok, Evan is FLYING!!
I know this to be true because of my love for God, because of God's love for Evan's momma, because of my precious love for Evan, and because of God's love for all of his beautiful babies. Thank you, Lord.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Earlier today, while enjoying some Just Dance Kids with my daughter on the Wii she says to me "mommy, I think Evan knows we're dancing now." As we continue dancing and I admire her sweet sincerity, I tell her that I completely agree. She then tells me that she thinks Evan is so special and because of that he sees us sometimes . . . she then adds that she believes he is always with us.
I'm not exactly sure what my husband and I did to deserve the magic of having not one but two amazing babies but boy have we been blessed. The truth is having struggled with what and how to tell our daughter as she continues on this journey along with us has remained a challenge at times . . . at other times, it seems unusually easy.
While it seems so easy to simply tell her that her brother is in heaven I have been hesitant to do so due to the fact that we hadn't talked about heaven much before learning of Evan's diagnosis and/or his passing. Therefore, I have always worried that she might think heaven is a place we can visit. A place such as her favorite places to play, shop, eat, etc. Thus, we have chosen the explanation that is also very true . . . our sweet boy has passed away and will always be in our hearts. On her own and I believe through God's love and guidance, she has begun discovering the rest. She already has and I know will continue to enlighten me and will more than likely teach me more about heaven and her little brother than I could have ever imagined. I am so grateful.
Today, I received an email from a family friend. She shared this poem with me:
I'm not exactly sure what my husband and I did to deserve the magic of having not one but two amazing babies but boy have we been blessed. The truth is having struggled with what and how to tell our daughter as she continues on this journey along with us has remained a challenge at times . . . at other times, it seems unusually easy.
While it seems so easy to simply tell her that her brother is in heaven I have been hesitant to do so due to the fact that we hadn't talked about heaven much before learning of Evan's diagnosis and/or his passing. Therefore, I have always worried that she might think heaven is a place we can visit. A place such as her favorite places to play, shop, eat, etc. Thus, we have chosen the explanation that is also very true . . . our sweet boy has passed away and will always be in our hearts. On her own and I believe through God's love and guidance, she has begun discovering the rest. She already has and I know will continue to enlighten me and will more than likely teach me more about heaven and her little brother than I could have ever imagined. I am so grateful.
Today, I received an email from a family friend. She shared this poem with me:
"As a butterfly graces our lives with one moment's fragile beauty, so too has your baby's presence blessed you, and those that surround you with their short life, and unique spirit. May you find peace, and joy with each butterfly that passes, knowing that your baby lives on in the hearts of all they touched." Thank you, Elke.
Evan has certainly touched all of us and will forever live on in our hearts.
7%
It was some time on Friday that I realized out of the blue that I hadn't gotten my second Rhogam injection at the hospital after delivering Evan. After questioning myself several times I decided to share this with my husband and then questioned him as if he would have been able to say "yes, I remember them sticking a large needle in your bottom, don't you?" Unfortunately, I went to the worst place (the internet) for more answers because my doctors office had closed by the time I had sense enough to call them.
I had known that due to my blood type, O negative, it is imperative for me to have two Rhogam injections ... one at approximately 28 weeks, which I received, and the other after delivery. After a long and stressful search online I came to realize how incredibly important it is to get the second shot due to many articles online documenting that not receiving the injections could negatively affect any attempt at becoming pregnant in the future. While I am enjoying my two beautiful children very much and am in no hurry to expand our precious family of four I must say the idea that we would have an added challenge if/when we do decide to attempt adding to our family was somewhat overwhelming. While my husband did/said all he could to take away my stress/worries there really was nothing we could do until I could call the hospital and/or my doctor to find out more about my care.
Saturday I made a strong effort to find out on my own through labor and delivery at the hospital where I delivered our sweet boy if there was any way I had received a Rhogam injection. No luck. I couldn't figure out how to get the incredibly cheerful lady who answered the phone to check my records and/or Evan's. While I appreciated her cheer and suggestions that I should just call my doctor Monday and see if I can get it then (grrr . . . she obviously hadn't read anything about Rhogam on the internet!) it wasn't getting me anywhere I needed or wanted to be. Staying fairly calm I debated calling my doctors after hours exchange. I don't like having an emergency let alone creating one when it's not technically an emergency. However, after a little more debate my husband and I agreed that I should call and what a wonderful decision that was.
I received a call back from an incredibly kind and understanding Nurse Practitioner through my doctors office. After explaining my situation to her she called the hospital herself and returned my call moments later. After apologizing for the long wait, which wasn't long at all, she gave me the most incredible news . . .
My sweet baby boy had O negative blood. He had the exact same blood type as his momma. This is the only way that a second Rhogam injection would not have been necessary . . . the only possibility that I had not even imagined possible.
7% of the population have type O negative blood. 7%, which now includes my precious Evan and I . . . my sweet boy who was, is and always will be just like his mommy.
I had known that due to my blood type, O negative, it is imperative for me to have two Rhogam injections ... one at approximately 28 weeks, which I received, and the other after delivery. After a long and stressful search online I came to realize how incredibly important it is to get the second shot due to many articles online documenting that not receiving the injections could negatively affect any attempt at becoming pregnant in the future. While I am enjoying my two beautiful children very much and am in no hurry to expand our precious family of four I must say the idea that we would have an added challenge if/when we do decide to attempt adding to our family was somewhat overwhelming. While my husband did/said all he could to take away my stress/worries there really was nothing we could do until I could call the hospital and/or my doctor to find out more about my care.
Saturday I made a strong effort to find out on my own through labor and delivery at the hospital where I delivered our sweet boy if there was any way I had received a Rhogam injection. No luck. I couldn't figure out how to get the incredibly cheerful lady who answered the phone to check my records and/or Evan's. While I appreciated her cheer and suggestions that I should just call my doctor Monday and see if I can get it then (grrr . . . she obviously hadn't read anything about Rhogam on the internet!) it wasn't getting me anywhere I needed or wanted to be. Staying fairly calm I debated calling my doctors after hours exchange. I don't like having an emergency let alone creating one when it's not technically an emergency. However, after a little more debate my husband and I agreed that I should call and what a wonderful decision that was.
I received a call back from an incredibly kind and understanding Nurse Practitioner through my doctors office. After explaining my situation to her she called the hospital herself and returned my call moments later. After apologizing for the long wait, which wasn't long at all, she gave me the most incredible news . . .
My sweet baby boy had O negative blood. He had the exact same blood type as his momma. This is the only way that a second Rhogam injection would not have been necessary . . . the only possibility that I had not even imagined possible.
7% of the population have type O negative blood. 7%, which now includes my precious Evan and I . . . my sweet boy who was, is and always will be just like his mommy.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Beautiful Life, Indescribable Love
While some days, moments are more difficult than others one thing remains so true . . . I have been so blessed. I enjoy writing. I especially enjoy sharing about my sweet Evan. However, for some reason I am having such a difficult time putting the wealth of thoughts and feelings I am experiencing into words.
I remember feeling guilty shortly after learning of Evan's diagnosis because I started thinking about the possibility of having another child. A child without anencephaly. Would this be possible? Common response, I think. Fairly quickly (and gratefully) this became much less important and the bond I developed with Evan consumed any guilt I had experienced and/or thoughts of future pregnancy. Now, while I am so incredibly grateful for Evan's beautiful 9 months and 53 minutes of life I find myself only wishing to be pregnant with Evan again or having the opportunity to relive those beautiful 12 hours I held him in my arms or both. The love and bond we shared during his beautiful life is indescribable and I miss him so much.
I experience peace in knowing that we continue to share a deep love and precious bond through God's love.
"Those we love are with the Lord and the Lord has promised to be with us. If they are with Him and He is with us, they cannot be far away." ~ Peter Marshall
I miss him. I miss him terribly but I can tell you that the joy of remembering my sweet boy's beautiful face, arms, hands, fingers, feet, toes, body . . . his precious scent . . . the kisses I was able to give him and time we spent with him is beyond words.
I remember feeling guilty shortly after learning of Evan's diagnosis because I started thinking about the possibility of having another child. A child without anencephaly. Would this be possible? Common response, I think. Fairly quickly (and gratefully) this became much less important and the bond I developed with Evan consumed any guilt I had experienced and/or thoughts of future pregnancy. Now, while I am so incredibly grateful for Evan's beautiful 9 months and 53 minutes of life I find myself only wishing to be pregnant with Evan again or having the opportunity to relive those beautiful 12 hours I held him in my arms or both. The love and bond we shared during his beautiful life is indescribable and I miss him so much.
I experience peace in knowing that we continue to share a deep love and precious bond through God's love.
"Those we love are with the Lord and the Lord has promised to be with us. If they are with Him and He is with us, they cannot be far away." ~ Peter Marshall
I miss him. I miss him terribly but I can tell you that the joy of remembering my sweet boy's beautiful face, arms, hands, fingers, feet, toes, body . . . his precious scent . . . the kisses I was able to give him and time we spent with him is beyond words.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
It has been 6 days and 12 hours since we welcomed our beautiful baby boy and held him in our arms for the first time. I've wanted to post on Evan's blog many times during these past several days but have had a slightly difficult time finding the words to express the overwhelming thoughts and feelings I have experienced. I find now, as I sit here typing this post, that it hasn't become any easier but I can't bare let another day pass without writing on my sweet baby boys blog.
Friday, September 2, 2011 my husband and I returned home from the hospital. Our family planned a small party to celebrate Evan's life Friday evening. We were joined by precious friends and family. My sister, Kristy, created the most beautiful video for us to cherish for the rest of our lives. She had the help of my aunt Sheila who took the most beautiful pictures and my sister Abbey's creativity. We were able to share this video with our guests Friday evening. I can't speak for everyone but I am certain it is the most precious and beautiful video I have ever seen!
My husband, daughter and I were surrounded by so much love and support all weekend as we continued to celebrate Evan's precious life with our family. Each and every day has been filled with so much love as my husband, daughter and I, as well as my family, continue to share our thoughts and feelings about our beautiful Evan. I have enjoyed looking at Evan's pictures multiple times each day, watching the video of his life that brings me so much peace and joy, drying flowers, getting creative with projects honoring my sweet boy, shopping for scrap booking items, starting a beautiful scrapbook, planning and preparing for the events/activities that we will be enjoying in the near future as we continue to celebrate Evan's beautiful life, and on and on and on.
While I keep myself very busy with these things, the thing that has helped me the most over the past several days is the time I have taken to talk to my sweet boy, pray for him and praise God for the blessings he has given me including, but not limited to, my husband, my family and my incredibly precious children . . . my beautiful son and daughter.
Friday, September 2, 2011 my husband and I returned home from the hospital. Our family planned a small party to celebrate Evan's life Friday evening. We were joined by precious friends and family. My sister, Kristy, created the most beautiful video for us to cherish for the rest of our lives. She had the help of my aunt Sheila who took the most beautiful pictures and my sister Abbey's creativity. We were able to share this video with our guests Friday evening. I can't speak for everyone but I am certain it is the most precious and beautiful video I have ever seen!
My husband, daughter and I were surrounded by so much love and support all weekend as we continued to celebrate Evan's precious life with our family. Each and every day has been filled with so much love as my husband, daughter and I, as well as my family, continue to share our thoughts and feelings about our beautiful Evan. I have enjoyed looking at Evan's pictures multiple times each day, watching the video of his life that brings me so much peace and joy, drying flowers, getting creative with projects honoring my sweet boy, shopping for scrap booking items, starting a beautiful scrapbook, planning and preparing for the events/activities that we will be enjoying in the near future as we continue to celebrate Evan's beautiful life, and on and on and on.
While I keep myself very busy with these things, the thing that has helped me the most over the past several days is the time I have taken to talk to my sweet boy, pray for him and praise God for the blessings he has given me including, but not limited to, my husband, my family and my incredibly precious children . . . my beautiful son and daughter.
The Chord
We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on Earth.
This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.
I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.
The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.
It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.
And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.
I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on Earth.
This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.
I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.
The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.
It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.
And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.
I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!
Author Unknown
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
A link to our sweet baby boy's obituary.
http://hosting-tributes-24674.tributes.com/show/Evan-Matthew-Michaud--92251916
http://hosting-tributes-24674.tributes.com/show/Evan-Matthew-Michaud--92251916
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Our Sweet Evan's Birth
Evan's story starts long ago when his father and I created him through our love and commitment to one another. His story continues for an eternity because he will always be so very deeply loved and remembered.
This is the story of his birth and his birthday and oh what a glorious day it was.
My husband and I entered the hospital on Tuesday, August 30th at approximately 9:45pm. We settled in my labor and delivery room shortly after and I was given an IV and put on monitors. From this point forward we were able to hear Evan's heartbeat and his every move. Throughout our stay he had the hiccups three times and let me tell you that hearing his hiccups was just as precious as feeling them if not more so because I got to experience both at the same time. What a blessing.
At approximately 11:45pm the doctor completed a sonogram of our most beautiful boy and began the induction by giving me Cervidil. Rory, Evan and I slept through the night. Although, I woke often to hear our beautiful boys heartbeat. Never having had the chance to listen to his heartbeat for more than 2-3 minutes at one time made it incredibly difficult for me to sleep. Of course, I had to lie there listening to the most beautiful sound, the most precious gift.
We received a visit from my doctor on Wednesday morning, August 31st. The Cervidil had started the process and it was time for Pitocin. Several hours passed and I was making little progress. My doctor visited again Wednesday afternoon and I must say we were all a little pessimistic about the induction progress. We were however very pleased and over joyed at the strength our little man maintained throughout the entire process. Praise be to God.
During Wednesday evening my progress took a turn and the contractions began full force. I had an epidural that worked for the right side of my body but not the left. To no avail the epidural had to be removed and replaced by another. Evan, our little warrior, hung on and stayed so strong through it all. In my weakest moments throughout labor God and my little baby boy were giving me the strength to be strong. It was also a blessing to have my incredible husband our our amazing family there with us through it all. The support we had during this time was unbelievable.
It seemed that my progress moved so fast towards the end. By Thursday morning, September 1st, I was told that Evan would be arriving within hours ... maybe an hour. My doctor arrived and prepared me to push. I pushed once for her and my water broke. I had so much excess fluid by that time (I was told it had begun increasing quickly 1-2 weeks earlier). For a second I thought Evan had been born. My doctor and I laughed a little because I think she was a little startled too. Next push, my sweet boys entrance began and one more push later he was born into our loving arms at 8:59am. My husband followed him wherever he went in our hospital room staying close by to embrace and admire our son. The NICU physician confirmed that Evan was hanging on but we knew it wouldn't be long.
My husband handed me our precious boy and I began telling him everything I could possibly have dreamed of wanting him to know again but this time face to face with me looking into the most beautiful face. It was an indescribable moment. A moment that I will never forget. My husband and I held each other as we held our son. We knew we had an extremely anxious and excited big sister waiting to meet her baby brother so my husband got my mom and daughter who came to our room to meet our gorgeous boy. Not knowing exactly what to expect myself I have to tell you that once again my children continue to teach me about the most important things in life. Our daughter entered the room, took one look at her baby brother and fell in love. She is so proud of him and as she admired him with such peace and love she instructed everyone who entered next to look at him while describing how delicate and beautiful he is. She continued describing him, his beauty to everyone and had a very difficult time letting go as she wasn't ready to share with the others just yet. After she held her sweet brother approximately 5 times :-) she went for a walk with family but stayed close by.
The room was filled with peace, extreme joy, beauty, the scent of our sweet baby, indescribable love and then 54 minutes after our son was born I believe while all of these things continued to exist they became stronger as Evan's beautiful angels began their decent to carry our sweet boy to meet our Heavenly Father. While Evan's beautiful, perfect body remained in our arms his spirit was beginning the journey to the most incredible place . . . to heaven.
We had the honor and privilege of spending 12 incredible hours with our son on his birthday. During this time we continued to enjoy and express our gratitude for having been blessed with the opportunity to hold an angel. To hold our Evan, our sweet angel baby. We admired each and every incredibly chubby finger and toe, his adorable big hands and cutest little feet, sweet chubby legs and arms, perfect little bottom, tummy and chest all the way up to his sweet chin, perfectly kissable lips and button nose, his beautiful eyes and precious little head. While all of this kept me in amazement for hours, this little bundle of joy was so much more . . . he is and always will be an incredible gift from God and a blessing to our family.
While I am grateful and praise God for the opportunity to wake up every day to my beautiful daughter, wonderful husband and our family I am also very grateful that a piece of me is in heaven with my sweet boy. I believe with all of my heart that Evan has a piece of his mommy in heaven with him today and while I know I will never forget my beautiful boy I beg of God that my little boy will always have a piece of me in heaven. I will continue to praise God for and embrace the beautiful peace and incredible joy of being on earth with my precious daughter, husband, and our amazing family and friends but I am also prepared and for the first time completely fearless of death as I will also be grateful for the day God calls me home and I can once again kiss the most beautiful lips of my precious baby boy. Oh God how I miss those lips, that face his body and all the love we shared in 54 beautiful minutes.
I smell my sweet angel from time to time. The most beautiful scent. I know he is with us and I know that our love will continue to grow because he is with me and in my heart forever.
September 1, 2011 8:59am. Happy Birthday my beautiful angel baby, Evan. Mommy loves you and my love will follow you wherever you may go. Enjoy heaven sweet baby. Visit me in my dreams. And please know sweet boy that mommy cries because I miss you. Mommy feels so much peace and comfort too because I'm so happy you are at peace, full of love and in God's hands. All my love always and forever sweet Evan. May God be with us always.
This is the story of his birth and his birthday and oh what a glorious day it was.
My husband and I entered the hospital on Tuesday, August 30th at approximately 9:45pm. We settled in my labor and delivery room shortly after and I was given an IV and put on monitors. From this point forward we were able to hear Evan's heartbeat and his every move. Throughout our stay he had the hiccups three times and let me tell you that hearing his hiccups was just as precious as feeling them if not more so because I got to experience both at the same time. What a blessing.
At approximately 11:45pm the doctor completed a sonogram of our most beautiful boy and began the induction by giving me Cervidil. Rory, Evan and I slept through the night. Although, I woke often to hear our beautiful boys heartbeat. Never having had the chance to listen to his heartbeat for more than 2-3 minutes at one time made it incredibly difficult for me to sleep. Of course, I had to lie there listening to the most beautiful sound, the most precious gift.
We received a visit from my doctor on Wednesday morning, August 31st. The Cervidil had started the process and it was time for Pitocin. Several hours passed and I was making little progress. My doctor visited again Wednesday afternoon and I must say we were all a little pessimistic about the induction progress. We were however very pleased and over joyed at the strength our little man maintained throughout the entire process. Praise be to God.
During Wednesday evening my progress took a turn and the contractions began full force. I had an epidural that worked for the right side of my body but not the left. To no avail the epidural had to be removed and replaced by another. Evan, our little warrior, hung on and stayed so strong through it all. In my weakest moments throughout labor God and my little baby boy were giving me the strength to be strong. It was also a blessing to have my incredible husband our our amazing family there with us through it all. The support we had during this time was unbelievable.
It seemed that my progress moved so fast towards the end. By Thursday morning, September 1st, I was told that Evan would be arriving within hours ... maybe an hour. My doctor arrived and prepared me to push. I pushed once for her and my water broke. I had so much excess fluid by that time (I was told it had begun increasing quickly 1-2 weeks earlier). For a second I thought Evan had been born. My doctor and I laughed a little because I think she was a little startled too. Next push, my sweet boys entrance began and one more push later he was born into our loving arms at 8:59am. My husband followed him wherever he went in our hospital room staying close by to embrace and admire our son. The NICU physician confirmed that Evan was hanging on but we knew it wouldn't be long.
My husband handed me our precious boy and I began telling him everything I could possibly have dreamed of wanting him to know again but this time face to face with me looking into the most beautiful face. It was an indescribable moment. A moment that I will never forget. My husband and I held each other as we held our son. We knew we had an extremely anxious and excited big sister waiting to meet her baby brother so my husband got my mom and daughter who came to our room to meet our gorgeous boy. Not knowing exactly what to expect myself I have to tell you that once again my children continue to teach me about the most important things in life. Our daughter entered the room, took one look at her baby brother and fell in love. She is so proud of him and as she admired him with such peace and love she instructed everyone who entered next to look at him while describing how delicate and beautiful he is. She continued describing him, his beauty to everyone and had a very difficult time letting go as she wasn't ready to share with the others just yet. After she held her sweet brother approximately 5 times :-) she went for a walk with family but stayed close by.
The room was filled with peace, extreme joy, beauty, the scent of our sweet baby, indescribable love and then 54 minutes after our son was born I believe while all of these things continued to exist they became stronger as Evan's beautiful angels began their decent to carry our sweet boy to meet our Heavenly Father. While Evan's beautiful, perfect body remained in our arms his spirit was beginning the journey to the most incredible place . . . to heaven.
We had the honor and privilege of spending 12 incredible hours with our son on his birthday. During this time we continued to enjoy and express our gratitude for having been blessed with the opportunity to hold an angel. To hold our Evan, our sweet angel baby. We admired each and every incredibly chubby finger and toe, his adorable big hands and cutest little feet, sweet chubby legs and arms, perfect little bottom, tummy and chest all the way up to his sweet chin, perfectly kissable lips and button nose, his beautiful eyes and precious little head. While all of this kept me in amazement for hours, this little bundle of joy was so much more . . . he is and always will be an incredible gift from God and a blessing to our family.
While I am grateful and praise God for the opportunity to wake up every day to my beautiful daughter, wonderful husband and our family I am also very grateful that a piece of me is in heaven with my sweet boy. I believe with all of my heart that Evan has a piece of his mommy in heaven with him today and while I know I will never forget my beautiful boy I beg of God that my little boy will always have a piece of me in heaven. I will continue to praise God for and embrace the beautiful peace and incredible joy of being on earth with my precious daughter, husband, and our amazing family and friends but I am also prepared and for the first time completely fearless of death as I will also be grateful for the day God calls me home and I can once again kiss the most beautiful lips of my precious baby boy. Oh God how I miss those lips, that face his body and all the love we shared in 54 beautiful minutes.
I smell my sweet angel from time to time. The most beautiful scent. I know he is with us and I know that our love will continue to grow because he is with me and in my heart forever.
September 1, 2011 8:59am. Happy Birthday my beautiful angel baby, Evan. Mommy loves you and my love will follow you wherever you may go. Enjoy heaven sweet baby. Visit me in my dreams. And please know sweet boy that mommy cries because I miss you. Mommy feels so much peace and comfort too because I'm so happy you are at peace, full of love and in God's hands. All my love always and forever sweet Evan. May God be with us always.
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