"You know, the smallest thing can change a life. In the blink of an eye, something happens by chance - and when you least expect it - since we're on a course that you could have never planned, into a future you never imagined. Where will it take you? That's the journey of our lives: our search for the light. But sometimes, finding the light means you must pass through the deepest darkness."
So as you may remember reading (doubtful, I know :-), I had planned and intended to read chapters Matthew, Mark, Luke, & John in the Bible. A place to start in my desire to learn more, understand better and hear God's word. I haven't completed this personal goal. I'm disappointed. However, I will read them and I know that I will come to find exactly what was intended for me when it was intended. Like yesterday. I finally answered the long time voice in my head telling me to take some "me" time and start read Luke. I can't tell you why I ignored it for so long (I'm sure I was busy making life a priority every time), but I can tell you I was so happy and peaceful when I took the time yesterday.
There are a few things that struck me as I began reading and with the help of my Bible I will share the following with you because I believe it was worth sharing.
When God calls you to do something, He also gives you the faith to do it.
Pray for Gods children. All of His children. It's one of the greatest gifts you can give them.
"The only way we ever fulfill our destinies and succeed at being our true selves is to take many, many steps of faith. Stepping out into the unknown and launching out into the deep water, as we read about in Luke 5:4, can be frightening. Because of feelings of fear, many people never step out; therefore they never find out what they are capable of."
And one more thing I discovered in a different book . . . "Push your boundaries, that's what they are there for."
I had made a resolution for 2012 that I would try to live with a pure heart. I am pleased with my progress in this area and look forward to continued growth throughout the coming years.
This year I am making another resolution (I prefer goal) for myself in 2013. To live life pushing the boundaries that I have established for myself out of laziness, lack of knowledge, fear. . . . Ah yes, fear. My second goal is to work on living with less fear. Fear of all things I cannot control, the things I can but am afraid to mess up somehow, of loss, of letting a whole day go by and forgetting to tell Evan I love him, letting my daughter down in any way, shape or form, disappointing my mom, dad or husband in anything and in any way, not being the sister and friend I want to be because I fail to be selfless when I need to be . . . and on and on and on.
I've always wanted to work on decreasing my fear . . . it seems that as life changes my fears just grow and adapt but rarely go away. However, as my faith grows, my fear decreases. Therefore, I guess my actual goal for 2013 is to continue to grow in faith.
I feel it necessary to share a couple of things from the past few months . . .
In October we celebrated Evan's (and so many other beautiful babies) memory with our family and friends during the Share Walk for Remembrance and Hope. Many families participate in this activity. What really makes it so special for me is the pure excitement that comes knowing that everyone is thinking about Evan and all the sweet babies gone to soon on this day. On this very special day when everyone takes a break from everything else and simply remembers together in search of hope. The best way to sum it up . . . It's incredibly touching and overwhelming in so many ways.
Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone. On these days, the days surrounding them and all the days in between we remembered you sweet boy. We attended a candlelight vigil at the Angel of Hope in December. The weather was beautiful and the environment was peaceful. A couple weeks before the vigil my mom, daughter and I placed beautiful butterflies on a tree near Evan's memorial bricks. That was something new for us this year and I enjoyed it. I look forward to continuing to remember our sweet boy in new ways.
I remember thinking not long ago that there would be no way I could go an entire day without thinking of Evan with the desire to cry because of our loss. Don't get me wrong, I remember him very often with a smile, laugh, warm memories and peace. I had also accepted that the sadness would always be there. This is one area that I forgot to push my boundaries. I accepted the sadness and let it enable me from what I feel today. And I hope you don't expect me to describe or explain what it is I am feeling now. The new phase I've entered because I'm afraid I'm still trying to figure it out myself. What I can tell you is the sadness has lessened as I have allowed myself to let it go without guilt and live again with the desire and hope to rid of unnecessary regret.
I don't have to tell you that my sweet boy, God, my beautiful girl, awesome husband and incredible family and friends have been a huge influence and asset in my continued growth and journey. If you know me or have been reading any of this blog you already know this.
Happy New Year Sweet Boy!! And Happy New Year to You!
