This morning two beautiful baby boys were born to an amazing woman, my new friend. One went to be with Jesus after having spent a short time alive in his parent's arms. I had the honor of learning about this little ones life personally from his mommy. I am grateful that I met their mom and I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to learn of and celebrate these boy's lives today.

We have one week until we meet our sweet boy. One week and it seems that all of a sudden my ability to maintain some control over my emotions is wearing very thin.

My husband and I attended my final doctor appointment on Tuesday. We had our final ultrasound and made plans for our admission next week. Evan appears to be doing very well. He has returned to a position ready for delivery, which is good because my amniotic fluid is now on the high side. My husband and I will be going to the hospital on Tuesday evening and are expecting to deliver Evan on the 31st.

On a scale of 1-10 I feel like my emotions (the wide variety of them) are all at a 10 (incredibly strong) and I can't imagine the intensity increasing but fear that within the coming days this might be just what I experience. This in and of itself feels scary.

My husband and I are real. We have been together since we were 17 (he was 16 and he loves reminding me of that because he takes full advantage of being 6 months younger than me). We had a short lived separation during college, which made us stronger. We have argued, disagreed, made up, and agreed. We have grown up so much together and on our own over the years. We have embraced and thoroughly appreciated extreme highs in life and have survived extreme lows. We have lived, laughed and loved like there is no tomorrow.

Next week we will meet our beautiful boy. We will continue to celebrate his life and prepare to grieve the loss of our precious boy while also continuing to pray for a miracle. We will prepare ourselves for having to share the most difficult, complicated news with our daughter and pray that she feels peace, love and comfort through God's love and the love of her family. We will survive and we will do this for one another, for our daughter, our family and for our beautiful boy.

This is what I know to be true for now.  

We had a busy weekend! Evan got to go on his first rescue mission Friday night to pick up his daddy who broke down about 40 minutes south of where we lived when we brought our daughter home for the first time. This brought about opportunity to share so much with Eavn that I hadn't even thought of talking to him about before. After rushing to pick up Evan's daddy we rushed back to a park close to home to meet our family, including our daughter, for a movie in the park. What fun! Wish I had a good picture to share.

Saturday was another day full of family fun! Evan was very active all day. I'm sure he was as excited about all the fun as I was. :-) My mom picked up my daughter and I early so that we could get our hair cut by a fantastic woman and wonderful friend, Melanie. It's always a good day when we get to visit with her! Afterward we headed to pick up my sister, Abbey, and had lunch then off to the nail salon for pedis/manis. My daughter loves this special treatment at the nail salon and it's so stinkin cute to watch her enjoy every second. Evan and I enjoyed a relaxing pedi and fit in a phone call with four amazing ladies, which included my big sis who just returned home from Italy.

After our relaxing but busy morning we headed for the most important treat of the day . . . ICE CREAM! :-) Evan really enjoyed that and so did we!! Then, we headed to a great outdoor mall (not sure how new it is but it was totally new to me). It was a lot of fun to shop with the girls!

Sunday, I woke up to an awesome sermon by my favorite pastor. In my opinion, one can never be reminded too often of the importance of putting God first! My daughter and I headed back to the store with my mom for some necessities. My husband was busy working all day on Saturday but was able to come home early on Sunday. Yeah! Later that afternoon/evening, our daughter and I joined him for a trip to his favorite tattoo artist's new shop where we got to watch him get a very special piece of art for our sweet Evan. We were the only ones there, which made it a very personal and special event. This appointment was planned in hopes that he would get to have this tattoo completed before our son arrives. It all worked out and we felt very blessed!

With plans for my induction just 9-10 days away I feel very grateful that our weekend was full of family, fun and lots of LOVE and SUPPORT!!   

Day of Hope

It feels so very appropriate to honor and remember all of the beautiful babies in heaven today on this day of hope and on my son's blog. Peace, Love and Hope to everyone.

For more information please visit  http://august19thdayofhope.blogspot.com/ 

The most amazing little girl

I'd like to tell you a story about an amazing little girl, Evan's big sister. I've shared how much she means to my husband and I throughout this blog. I don't think words could ever really describe how incredibly much we love and adore our precious girl. She has also taught me so very much throughout this journey.

Some of my favorite times while carrying Evan have been sitting with my daughter talking about her baby brother, listening to her sing to him so that she can help him fall asleep, watching her face light up as she feels him moving about, laughing with her when he kicks her in the eye or cheek:-), feeling so much love when she randomly gives her baby brother kisses as we sit together or any time of the day/night that she feels the desire to do so.

Yesterday we were making a super quick trip to Walgreens for two things. We had our game plan ready before we walked in as to how we were going to get in and out during a busy time of the day. We were on our way to the register as we passed the photo counter. There were four to five pictures displayed in different sizes under the counter. The largest in the middle was a large poster size picture of a baby boy and next to it was an 8x10 of baby's feet. My daughter was walking next to me throughout the store until I noticed she had lagged behind a little at the point we approached the photo counter. I turned to see what was slowing her momentum and our dash and go plan down. It was at that time that my tears from the morning and afternoon when I was alone welled up once again but luckily stayed at bay in order for me to enjoy another precious moment with the most amazing little girl.

I joined my daughter kneeling in front of these two pictures. She said quietly, "mommy, I think this is what our baby might look like." I then said, "I think his feet might look like this . . . look how cute those toes are!" She giggled looking at the picture I referred to briefly and then focused her attention back to the much larger picture of the baby boy. I then said, "baby, I think maybe our Evan is going to look a little bit different but to us he will be perfect." My precious daughter then says, "I know mommy, Evan is beautiful. We are going to miss him so much but he'll always be my baby."

We knelt there together in silence a while longer before she giggled a little and commented on the baby's funny nose (nostrils flared). I flared my nostrils for her and then she giggled even more and much louder. We hugged and I reminded her how proud I am of her and how very much I love her.

On our way to the register, I thanked God for this beautiful moment with my daughter and for blessing me with two incredible children.

My husband (my hero) attended an appointment at the funeral home for us. He had a really great visit with some incredible people who were compassionate and provided the most helpful resources. I was able to talk to someone on the phone before the appointment in order to share my thoughts and feelings and my dear sweet husband handled the rest. I have no idea what I would do without him, our daughter and our amazing family. I am so blessed that I don't have to wonder.

I saw my doctor yesterday and as I suspected we may need to do some re-evaluating as a result of my stink pot's (that would be Evan if you were wondering) position on the most recent ultrasound. :-) Since we learned during the ultrasound on the 8th that he was transverse (sideways) we will get to have another ultrasound next Tuesday!! Always love any chance I get to see my little man on screen. My doctor thinks that he has moved back to a head down position, which will make plans for induction on the 31st go as planned. However, we will confirm this next Tuesday. In the event he hasn't we will be re-evaluating. Most importantly, we will not be rushing this little guy at all! We'll know what is right when the time comes because we have God and my amazing doctor who is guided by God on our side.

Evan's heart beat sounded incredibly beautiful yesterday, as always. It will never cease to amaze me that a baby with anencephaly, our baby, is physically perfect otherwise. He is perfection to us regardless but every time I hear the doctors say, "nothing has changed with his diagnosis but he is perfect otherwise," (or something to that effect) I can't help to think what a blessing he is and hope that every doctor, nurse, stenographer, etc. that crosses our path takes note that our baby, this beautiful boy, is a person with a phenomenal little life. I hope that they remember this for when/if they meet another mom experiencing the same journey. While I don't feel my doctor did or said anything wrong (sharing only what she knew to be true) . . . I do believe in my heart that my doctor and others in her practice may approach this situation somewhat differently after having had the opportunity to experience this journey with my family . . . with our sweet Evan.

Maybe instead of telling parents that the majority of people terminate their pregnancy after learning of this diagnosis and wishing the parent the best as they are left to make a "decision" . . . maybe my doctors will tell them about a mom who didn't . . . more importantly, maybe they will tell them about our sweet precious boy, Evan.

I will carry you

I've had the pleasure of listening to the song posted in this entry several times on other blogs and after reading the book, I Will Carry You, by Angie Smith. This song was written by Angie and her husband who is a member in the group Selah. It's a beautiful song. It's one that I realized some of you may have never heard and I wanted to share it with you today. I am so blessed and honored to have been chosen to carry Evan and I know that as much as my husband and I love Evan there is no one that loves Evan more than God.

There are 16 days left until my husband and I continue our journey to the hospital where we will meet our precious baby boy. I can't help but wonder how many minutes, hours, days we'll have with our son before we have to kiss him goodbye as he goes home with Jesus. I'm praying that God's will is at the VERY LEAST for my husband and I to have (again at the very least) a minute with our son alive in our arms. I am begging God for AT LEAST one minute with my son alive in my arms so that I may hold him and whisper in his ear how very much I love him and to thank my little one who has so beautifully changed my whole life . . . my whole world.

Of course, any amount of time we have with our son will be a true blessing and miracle.

My sister-in-law, Jen, surprised me with beautiful pictures she and her fiance, Tom, took while enjoying a family day on the river. Knowing that they thought of Evan and stopped to take these pictures warms my heart completely.

Yesterday, I thought of my grandfather Ray. I realized that although he has passed away every time I think of him I picture him in TX, traveling to see friends or what he might be doing for fun. I don't think of him as having passed away or being in heaven with my other loved ones who have passed away. I wonder if this is because I didn't get to see him often and I wasn't able to attend his funeral. Regardless of why, I was actually comforted by knowing that Evan will have another amazing angel waiting for him with open arms and hearts.

I remember my grandfather coming to visit when my daughter was approximately 3-5 months old. It was such a sweet time as I watched my grandfather holding my daughter, cooing, talking and smiling with her. I will always remember this and will envision my grandfather, grandma, mother-in-law and grandpa enjoying my sweet boy together as they take turns pouring their love over him when he meets Jesus.

Evan hasn't been moving as much as he has the past several weeks. Don't get me wrong, I definitely feel him moving but it's just enough of a change that I feel terrified several times a day with the thought that he may have passed. It's safe to say I am having an extremely difficult time concentrating on things. I'm doing my best to remain sturdy and strong throughout the day, especially at work. It has become more difficult as my induction date grows closer and I continue to experience changes in my pregnancy.

It's amazing how a person can experience so many emotions at one time. I often talk to my clients about mixed emotions . . . a concept that is actually difficult for kids to understand sometimes. Guess what . . . its difficult for me to understand sometimes too. These incredible moments of pain and sadness remain yet also melt so quickly as I feel overwhelmed with joy and peace when my son responds to me.

My daughter is now officially in her last year of pre-k and is in the oldest group in her school. She is growing so fast and amazes me every day with her unbelievable sense of humor, intelligence and creativity. I feel so full of love sitting with her and my son enjoying the funniest and/or sweetest conversations with my daughter as she naturally gives her baby brother sweet kisses. And then, before I know it, I have to excuse myself due to being overcome by the reality that this too will come to an end much, much too soon. Then again, before long, after prayer, positive self-talk, and/or a supportive conversation with a loved one I am back and feeling strong, courageous and peaceful.

This journey has brought a roller coaster of emotions and while it is intense at times, I must say I wouldn't trade this time and these emotions for anything if it meant I wouldn't have had the opportunity to carry this amazing little boy. I don't write these thoughts and feelings because I pity myself or this journey. Oh goodness NO! I share this because it's important to acknowledge that while this journey is difficult at times it is also so incredibly beautiful and I am truly blessed.

I've dreaded making one very important call and every time I enter the number I can't complete the call. The call is to the funeral home to make arrangements for my sweet boy. My husband has made it very clear that he is willing to make the call for us. My mom has offered. The nurse at the hospital who is helping us has offered. While I have appreciated the offers, I have declined simply because I feel very strongly that this is something that I need to do as Evan's mother . . . something I need to do in order to care for and mother my precious boy. So, why can't I make the call?

I'm afraid of what they might say that might send me spiraling out of control. I'm afraid that they will answer and I will become temporarily paralyzed unable to think let alone speak. I am so afraid that making the call means that I have given up.

I understand all of the many reasons why it makes sense to make the call before I am induced. I have every intention to do so but I can't . . . I just can't do it. At this time, I had wanted to be putting the final touches on my son's bedroom, filling his closet and drawers with clothes, stocking his room with toys, sterilizing bottles, reorganizing cabinets to accommodate them . . . I had wanted to be preparing to bring our beautiful baby boy home.  

I pray that God gives me the strength to make this important call/appointment in order to ensure the best possible care for my sweet boy. I pray that He helps me accept that this is a responsibility and does not in any way mean that I have given up on Him or my sweet boy.

**I wrote the above as I have struggled with the remaining items (some more difficult than others) on my list of very important things to complete before my induction date. Today, I spoke to a very nice lady at the funeral home. I shared my reason for calling and discussed plans to schedule a pre-planning appointment for my husband and I to meet with the funeral director. An appointment was not made but will be soon enough. I hung up, smiled as I felt my sweet boy moving around, getting comfortable, saying hi . . . I praised God for helping me survive one of the worst phone calls of my life (among two with the other being the call I made to my mom with the news of our sweet boys diagnosis) and then as I cried I talked to my sweet beautiful boy who is so active, so strong and so alive.

My big boy!!

Today, my husband and I attended what will most likely be our last ultrasound before our son's birthday. In just one month our sweet boy has grown so big. He weighed 2lbs 14ounces last month on the 11th. Today his weight is 4lbs 6ounces!! :-)

Do you want to see the cutest chin, lips and nose/nostrils you have ever and will ever see? Well look no further! Here they are!!


My Evan's ADORABLE chin, lips, nose/nostrils :-)

We saw a good picture of his adorable face straight on and a profile but he moves so fast and was obviously very comfortable tucked as close as possible to his mommy so we were able to see a lot of his sweet face looking up at him. :-) The pic above is obviously one that we received looking straight up at his cutie pie face.
Evan has changed his position and is now laying across my belly with his head on my left side and his feet a little lower and on the right. He is snuggled tight and doing well. Heart rate was great the amniotic fluid protecting him is also reported to be a-ok.

I am so in love with this little one!! So in love!!

My sweet boy's (potential) birthday has been decided due to the fact that I will be scheduled for an induction at the end of this month. I am still have difficulty talking about the induction date and sharing it with others without becoming tearful. I struggle so very much because I have no idea how to prepare myself for the biggest tragedy of my life, I have no idea how to prepare myself to say goodbye to my sweet boy. However, I also feel incredibly excited thinking about how in just a few weeks I will get to hold my Evan in my arms and kiss him all over. I feel so giddy and actually find myself giggling with excitement at the thought.

I remind myself that lying to my children is never an option. So, when I talk to my son and tell him that my love will follow him wherever he goes, when I tell him that we will always be connected no matter the physical absence between us, when I tell him that he does not have to be scared because he will always be protected and loved I tell him these things because I believe it . . . because I know it to be true. Thus, while I know I will have to say goodbye to my sweet boy much, much too soon I also know that we will always be together and connected in so many beautiful ways that death can not, will not touch.

If my health remains great and Evan remains perfectly safe and does not decide to come early Evan, his daddy and I will be walking in to the hospital on August 31st for my induction. If you are reading this, I ask that you remember my sweet boy on this day (everyday would be great :-) and pray for him. Please pray for the medical professionals who will be caring for him.

I continue to enjoy every second with my little guy. He is so funny like his big sister and daddy. He likes to play and REACTS to my touch and voice. His daddy and I enjoyed a 3D ultrasound together and oh my goodness his little nose, lips, hands, and feet are so precious!! I cannot wait to kiss him all over. We continue to prepare for his birthday by ensuring we have everything we want and need for him.

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7