Yesterday, I thought of my grandfather Ray. I realized that although he has passed away every time I think of him I picture him in TX, traveling to see friends or what he might be doing for fun. I don't think of him as having passed away or being in heaven with my other loved ones who have passed away. I wonder if this is because I didn't get to see him often and I wasn't able to attend his funeral. Regardless of why, I was actually comforted by knowing that Evan will have another amazing angel waiting for him with open arms and hearts.

I remember my grandfather coming to visit when my daughter was approximately 3-5 months old. It was such a sweet time as I watched my grandfather holding my daughter, cooing, talking and smiling with her. I will always remember this and will envision my grandfather, grandma, mother-in-law and grandpa enjoying my sweet boy together as they take turns pouring their love over him when he meets Jesus.

Evan hasn't been moving as much as he has the past several weeks. Don't get me wrong, I definitely feel him moving but it's just enough of a change that I feel terrified several times a day with the thought that he may have passed. It's safe to say I am having an extremely difficult time concentrating on things. I'm doing my best to remain sturdy and strong throughout the day, especially at work. It has become more difficult as my induction date grows closer and I continue to experience changes in my pregnancy.

It's amazing how a person can experience so many emotions at one time. I often talk to my clients about mixed emotions . . . a concept that is actually difficult for kids to understand sometimes. Guess what . . . its difficult for me to understand sometimes too. These incredible moments of pain and sadness remain yet also melt so quickly as I feel overwhelmed with joy and peace when my son responds to me.

My daughter is now officially in her last year of pre-k and is in the oldest group in her school. She is growing so fast and amazes me every day with her unbelievable sense of humor, intelligence and creativity. I feel so full of love sitting with her and my son enjoying the funniest and/or sweetest conversations with my daughter as she naturally gives her baby brother sweet kisses. And then, before I know it, I have to excuse myself due to being overcome by the reality that this too will come to an end much, much too soon. Then again, before long, after prayer, positive self-talk, and/or a supportive conversation with a loved one I am back and feeling strong, courageous and peaceful.

This journey has brought a roller coaster of emotions and while it is intense at times, I must say I wouldn't trade this time and these emotions for anything if it meant I wouldn't have had the opportunity to carry this amazing little boy. I don't write these thoughts and feelings because I pity myself or this journey. Oh goodness NO! I share this because it's important to acknowledge that while this journey is difficult at times it is also so incredibly beautiful and I am truly blessed.