I've dreaded making one very important call and every time I enter the number I can't complete the call. The call is to the funeral home to make arrangements for my sweet boy. My husband has made it very clear that he is willing to make the call for us. My mom has offered. The nurse at the hospital who is helping us has offered. While I have appreciated the offers, I have declined simply because I feel very strongly that this is something that I need to do as Evan's mother . . . something I need to do in order to care for and mother my precious boy. So, why can't I make the call?

I'm afraid of what they might say that might send me spiraling out of control. I'm afraid that they will answer and I will become temporarily paralyzed unable to think let alone speak. I am so afraid that making the call means that I have given up.

I understand all of the many reasons why it makes sense to make the call before I am induced. I have every intention to do so but I can't . . . I just can't do it. At this time, I had wanted to be putting the final touches on my son's bedroom, filling his closet and drawers with clothes, stocking his room with toys, sterilizing bottles, reorganizing cabinets to accommodate them . . . I had wanted to be preparing to bring our beautiful baby boy home.  

I pray that God gives me the strength to make this important call/appointment in order to ensure the best possible care for my sweet boy. I pray that He helps me accept that this is a responsibility and does not in any way mean that I have given up on Him or my sweet boy.

**I wrote the above as I have struggled with the remaining items (some more difficult than others) on my list of very important things to complete before my induction date. Today, I spoke to a very nice lady at the funeral home. I shared my reason for calling and discussed plans to schedule a pre-planning appointment for my husband and I to meet with the funeral director. An appointment was not made but will be soon enough. I hung up, smiled as I felt my sweet boy moving around, getting comfortable, saying hi . . . I praised God for helping me survive one of the worst phone calls of my life (among two with the other being the call I made to my mom with the news of our sweet boys diagnosis) and then as I cried I talked to my sweet beautiful boy who is so active, so strong and so alive.