Sharing means Caring . . .

Our sweet boy got a little "shout out" :-) in the most recent issue of Sharing, which is the newsletter for Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss a national organization that provides so much more than support for grieving parents/families.

Here is a link to the newsletter:  http://www.nationalshare.org/NovDec2012.pdf
You can find the precious piece on page 9. It includes a beautiful insight to our daughter's incredible mind and heart, a picture of us at the first walk we participated in last year about a month after Evan passed, and a picture of his bricks at the Angel of Hope.

Here is a link to Share's website:  http://www.nationalshare.org/index.html
As of right now there is a link on their home page to the video that my little sister, Abbey, created for Share in an effort to share Evan's story and raise awareness about this incredible agency.

Home page info is updated often as with many/most websites. Today was the first time I saw the video link on Share's home page. It brought tears of joy and appreciation. I couldn't possibly put into words what it means to me to know that there is even the smallest possibility that my little man, his life and our love for him may contribute to helping so many others who have lost a precious child. Have I mentioned how proud I am of my children? :-)

So now I ask you, if you are wondering how to give back, how to help, how to make a difference this holiday season . . . PLEASE consider donating to Share. Millions of families experience the loss of a precious baby every year. The comfort, peace, joy, love and support the amazing people at Share provide us isn't short lived . . . they will continue to help my family, dear friends, and I year after year after year.


** More to come from me soon as I have been writing like crazy but not quite ready to post.

I can't tell you how many times I've written a post, rewritten it, added to it, etc. over and over since my last post. I haven't felt prepared to actually publish it and that's okay because this "journaling" has been truly therapeutic for me. And then there are days, like today, when I feel so compelled to post that I can't possibly keep myself away from here.

Today is infant loss and remembrance day. A special day to remember precious babies gone to soon. A day to hopefully raise awareness, educate and provide hope and healing by coming together in a shared activity around the world (wave of light created by everyone lighting a candle at 7pm).

Today, and everyday, I remember my sweet baby boy. I also remember the many babies and their moms I've come to know, respect and care so much for along our journey.

And now to you, my angel,

Do you know how incredible you are? I often wonder if you do. I tell you and I hope you hear me. I ask God to remind you and I ask our other amazing guardian angels to hug you, kiss you and hold you the way I dream of doing again some day. Do you know how much you're loved? I believe you do. I pray I'm right.

I was joking with my friends at work the other day when we were talking about how funny we might look to others when we talk to ourselves in the car, etc. I thought about all the times I've been talking to you and laughing or crying as I do . . . this always seems to be while I'm driving as this seems to be the only time I truly have alone most days. It makes me wonder what you would think is funny. What would make you giggle? I wish I could hear you giggle.

Evan I know you are with me, with us. I feel you. It's incredible. Do you remember the other day when I was feeling quite helpless as to how to comfort your big sister who was missing you and feeling frustrated about losing you? Do you remember how I asked you to watch over her, ease her pain some how, some way after I had asked God for guidance? It's because I felt you. I knew you were with me. It made me smile, laugh and cry. Your presence provided me the same peace and comfort as the day I held you in my arms. You reminded me that I carry you always in my heart as does your sister and therefore she will be okay and I was assured that she is forever blessed for having you, her incredible guardian angel.

I pray that I continue to feel your presence. I recently heard a message about God's timing. His set time. It was such a good message for many reasons. As I listened, I knew without a doubt that I trust in God's timing for everything, more now than ever, and I trust that He will allow me to feel your presence again . . . all in a matter of time. Know that I am so excited for this to happen again and that I am extremely grateful for any and every reminder that you are with me always.  

I have felt more comfortable talking about you and sharing you with others. The feeling I had that I might make others uncomfortable is now gone (well almost). You, my sweet boy, are more than worthy of sharing and I am so proud of you.

Today is a special day to remember. As I sit here near your burning candle, another reminder that you are with us always, I remember you sweet boy. But, please know that there hasn't been one day since the moment I learned you were created that I haven't thought of you, loved you.

I ask that you continue to bring us peace and comfort. I pray for your own. I love you my sweet boy. If possible, more and more every day. All my love, always.

  

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY SWEET BABY BOY!!

I remember walking into the hospital confident in God, my husband, our family, and our friends to help me/us survive what was to come. I continued to pray that Evan would live through labor and delivery so I could talk to him and tell him how much I love him (little did I know I would talk to him and tell him this every day for the rest of my life). I was afraid but it was mostly masked by the excitement I felt about actually having him in my arms. And then almost 36 hours later he was born . . . 8:59am on 9/1/11 our beautiful boy was born. Within an hour he continued his journey to heaven.

Trying to figure out how to survive the death of our sweet baby boy was like nothing I've ever attempted to do before.  I mean, really, how in the world can anyone and/or anything prepare you for life after, right? Wrong.

Thinking back to the morning I held my sweet boy in my arms it all seems so clear to me now. Evan prepared me.

I wish I could bottle up and give everyone a sample of the incredible peace and love that my angel gave me that day. You don't experience something like that and not want to share it with the world. So there it was, in the moment that my husband passed our little 5lb baby boy to me I felt it ... the gift that would help me begin to understand how and why I was going to survive such a loss . . . and it was incredible.

I guess now would be a good time to explain exactly how the presence of amazing peace and love . . . how our little boy's one sweet touch . . . also delivered so much hope, strength, courage, and confidence that I/we would survive. I don't have the answer. I guess I would say that I am just grateful I didn't let it slip by. I embraced it and will never lose sight of it. 

   

The past several months have not gone without pain, sadness and suffering but this in no way defines our journey and certainly not our son's life. And so today we celebrated the beautiful boy who touched our lives, our minds and our hearts forever. 

Evan's big sister releasing a balloon at 8:59am :-) Happy Birthday Sweet Boy!!





Releasing more balloons :-)

As I post this in the hour in which we said our goodbyes a year ago, I remember and cherish the peace and love you gave me sweet boy on your birthday. You truly are always remembered and forever loved. I love you, angel. Happy heavenly birthday my love. ~ Momma

**Thank you to everyone who has kept us in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you to everyone who sent love, hugs, prayers our way today. Thank you to everyone who remembers our sweet boy (I hope you smile as I do when he enters your thoughts). Thank you to very dear friends who brought me flowers to work :-), sent cards, and/or called/ messaged us sending your love. Thank you to our amazing family and a few dear friends who have truly been with us through it all ... the good and the bad . . . the happy and sad. And a very special thank you to the following for celebrating with us today in our sweet boy's honor: Nana Debbie, Papa Joe, Grandma Dora, Papa Rog, Aunt Abbey, Uncle Ryan, Aunt Jen, Uncle Tom and Evan's sweet cousins - Ethan, Peyton and Max ... and to those who couldn't be here but who were most definitely celebrating with us - WE LOVE YOU ALL and truly appreciate you!! 

11 Months

Not sure I have the words to create the blog entry in my heart and on my mind this evening and for the past several weeks. However, I have been pulled here and so I will share this . . .  Missing someone so precious every day is incredibly overwhelming and often very painful and yet my sweet boy and our gracious Heavenly Father give me strength day after day. This picture shows one of the sweet reminders that my boy is always with us . . . our little visitor who fluttered around me and my family on our recent family vacation

Don't Mourn For Me

Author Unknown

Mother, please don't mourn for me;
I'm still here, though you don't see.
I'm right by your side
each night and day
and within your heart I long to stay.
My body is gone but I'm always near
I'm everything you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free,
but I'll never depart
as long as you keep me alive in your heart. I'll never wander out of your sight--
I'm the brightest star
on a summer night.
I'll never be beyond your reach--
I'm the warm moist sand
when you're at the beach. I'm the colorful leaves
when fall comes around,
And the pure white snow
that blankets the ground.
I'm the beautiful flowers
of which you're so fond--
The clear cool water in a quiet pond. I'm the first bright blossom
you'll see in the spring;
The first warm raindrop
that April will bring.
I'm the first ray of light
when the sun starts to shine,
And you'll see
that the face in the moon is mine. When you start thinking
there's no one to love you,
You can talk to me
through the Lord above you.
I'll whisper my answer
through the leaves on the trees,
And you'll feel my presence
in the soft summer breeze. I'm the hot salty tears
that flow when you weep
And the beautiful dreams
that come while you sleep.
I'm the smile you see on baby's face.
Just look for me, Mommy,
I'm everyplace!

Momma loves you sweet baby boy.

As Evan's birthday grows near I find that the waves of grief are growing stronger. I remind myself often that if I remain true to my beliefs and trust in God I can and will survive each crashing wave ... waves that actually physically hurt sometimes.

Here we are almost one year since we began our journey . . . this journey I unwillingly (although whole heartedly) began very soon after we learned of our sweet boy's diagnosis.  I say very soon after because once shock passed I distinctly remember denial settling in. Every second of every day shortly after all I could think was, "NO!" But the reality was and always will be, yes. And then came acceptance ... the moment when our journey began.  

As I continue this journey I continue to be grateful for so many answered prayers of comfort, peace and strength as I enter each new day, guidance, encouragement, insight, and acceptance. What has been so amazing to me is the incredible ways God answers prayers and the source through which He provides exactly what I need when I need it . . . a butterfly, rainbow, gentle breeze, nature, a quiet moment, my beautiful daugher, the incredible people in my life day in and out, aquaintances, strangers, pictures, books, quotes, music . . . I could go on and on and on. He's in everything!
My wonderful friend sent me an article that I found not only very interesting but comforting and that couldn't have come at a better time on a better day. In this article, researchers have identified that mommy's and babies are connected in very special ways long after birth. Feel free to check it out here: http://www.mom365.com/Baby/Posts/2012/Jun/Research-Reveals-That-Moms-and-Babies-Are-Connected-in-Surprising-Ways. It was a sweet reminder of what I already knew to be true . . . Evan was, is and always will be a part of me.

My daughter turned five, graduated preschool and lost her first tooth in the matter of one week! We celebrated, laughed, cried, celebrated some more and enjoyed every second. Evan was with us.

With every challenging question or sweet memory my daughter shares with me about her little brother we remember him and he lives through us.

This past weekend we visited the Angel of Hope. It was a wonderful visit on a beautiful day.  Below are pictures from our visit.

Flowers blooming near Evan's
memorial bricks :-)

The beautiful garden

My pretty girl :-)

And now as another day passes by, I think of my sweet baby boy no less and love him more . . .
My sweet boy,

So much time has passed.

I think of you, I pray for you, I praise God for you every single day.

I'm strong. I'm weak.

I am so in love with you.

Love, Your Mommy

Yesterday I came home to find mail waiting for me from Mercy Heartprints. This is an amazing department at Mercy hospital. The woman who runs this department is wonderful and has become a friend I'll always cherish. I wouldn't want to imagine what our days leading up to Evan's birth and our days after would have been like without her. I'm so glad we never had to experience that.
Inside the envelope from Mercy Heartprints was a little note, a card with a poem and another special surprise.

Here is the poem . . .
Mom
A few little letters arranged just so . . .
A word that means much more than
you will ever know.

In hopes you feel a special joy,
if only for awhile . . .
and perhaps for a moment,
you will find a way to smile.

This title is now indelible
upon your immortal soul . . .
in hopes you forever feel
special in this role.

Even though our time was short
from the moment of my birth,
you are honored in heaven and you are honored on earth.

Separated by a little time,
our love grows strong,
and when we look back,
it won't seem very long.

When someday we are joined
where we are meant to be
you will truly see, MOM,
you are still everything to me.

And this special surprise . . .


My first mother's ring :-)

Needless to say the great day I was already having went through the roof!!

Last night while laying in bed with my baby girl I heard a toy start talking. It is a toy that is in a plastic box in the top of her closet that we haven't played with in a week or so. As I sat there listening wondering what in the heck was going on with this toy I heard . . . "come explore with me. can you find the color yellow. the word starts with "eh." that's right! you found the yellow egg. goodbye."

WHAT!?!?!

The color yellow like the yellow butterflies I see fluttering around when I think of my sweet baby boy. The "eh" sound that starts with my sweet boy's name, Evan. I could go on and on and you don't even want to get me started on why/how the toy could even possibly be talking in the first place but you know what . . . I'LL TAKE IT!!! :-) It was awesome!!

My husband and I have met some incredible neighbors. We are lucky to have an awesome couple living directly behind us. They have a beautiful baby girl who is three months and a chocolate lab. We have always chit chatted with them since we moved in but once we got our puppy (which I think was thanks to our sweet little guardian angel) it just seemed to open the door to a whole new friendship, which we are so very grateful for.  Next thing we knew we met another couple who live just a few doors down from us. They are incredible too. We learned that their sweet girl was born still last July just two months before Evan passed. They have been so easy to talk to and will doubt become good friends. I think our sweet angels will make sure of it. :-)

So I guess what I'm really saying is, Evan is everywhere . . . working sweet blessings into, through and all around us. :-) This really is just a few of the amazing ways he continues to touch our lives making his mommy feel so incredibly blessed each new day.

Thank you

Even though my last post was completely scattered and my thoughts were clearly everywhere . . . I am so glad I followed my instinct and sat down to post. Sometimes after I post and re-read what I've written I immediately have clarity. My thoughts become less distorted and/or more clear . . . etc.

However, what really makes me grateful that I posted was the feedback I received. I opened a message this morning from a special person (family) who has been extremely supportive throughout my journey. He reminded me of something very important and for that I am grateful.

It seems that there are times when I don't have much I feel like sharing. Other times, I feel like I want to share but hesitate because I'm not sure if I'm ready. Then there are times when it feels like the flood gates have opened and all I want to do is sit down with my laptop and thoughts related to Evan, life, loss, love.
I'm not sure how to describe what I'm feeling now . . . I feel a little mixed up about what to share but the flood gates have opened and I just know that I need to be here . . . right here with my thoughts and a special place to share them.

There is one thing that I want to explain about me. I think that there are a lot of women who bravely share their negative thoughts and feelings about seeing a pregnant woman, having a close friend or family member become pregnant after their loss or someone having a baby near the time their baby was born and passed. And for all those who have or will . . . I completely understand. I empathise with you and my heart breaks with you for the pain you feel. I want to explain how I feel . . . if you are pregnant . . . CONGRATULATIONS!! If you had a baby and he/she is near the same age as my sweet Evan . . . AWESOME!! BELATED CONGRATULATIONS to you too!! If you are trying to get pregnant and/or are going to be announcing a pregnancy soon . . . GOD BLESS and GOOD LUCK!!

Do I ache a little when I see a new baby and/or a pregnant momma? Yes, sometimes. Not always but I have and I would never lie about that but it doesn't have anything to do with that momma or baby. In fact, I couldn't be happier to celebrate new life . . . new love and a precious child with a friend, family member or a stranger for that matter. I believe all children are amazing. I also believe that while your child is amazing, I, like many mom's, believe that nothing and no one compares to my children. When my heart aches a little it is aching to carry Evan (especially during the first few months following his birthday) and/or because I so badly want to hold Evan in my arms again. Sometimes I ache seeing another woman pregnant because I realize that I may never be able to have a 3rd child and/or that if I am blessed with another that child may or may not have a birth defect (which has always been true but having experienced the reality of the possibility it is that much scarier).


I won't be going to the March of Dimes walk on May 6th. I actually learned that this day is not only the day we learned of Evan's diagnosis . . . a day I will never forget but not like the days that you always want to remember . . . it is also international bereaved mother's day. This year on May 6th a special new memory will be created . . .  this day this year my nephew will be baptised. The walk was a special way to acknowledge my sweet boy and help babies in his memory. However, I would gladly choose another day to walk or donate to March of Dimes in order to be present and celebrate my nephew's baptism.

There have been times that I have wanted so badly to experience a sign that Evan was with me. I believe that he is always with me . . . with all of us that love him dearly but sometimes experiencing a "sign" brings an incredible amount of peace, comfort, joy. I've learned that when I am looking for a sign it's harder to see. I wonder if there have been times when it was right in front of me but I was looking so hard I missed it.

The other day I was sitting outside with a client talking about the struggles life brings and the importance of choosing to survive while also appreciating the challenges in life as they are often times blessings in disguise. I was thinking of Evan as I was giving her time to reflect. A little yellow butterfly came fluttering by directly in front of us and almost landed on the bench next to me but instead fluttered beside me. This is not the first time that a little yellow butterfly has come close to me and "visited" for awhile while I was thinking of Evan. Each time it takes my breath away.

I've always believed in the possibility that we can actually see our loved ones with us by viewing pictures and identifying orbs. This is a definition I found online for orb: "any of the concentric spheres in old astronomy surrounding the earth and carrying the celestial bodies in their revolutions."  I don't know that I believe this exact definition (there are others) but I definitely don't believe it is just dust that I am looking at that's for sure.

I respect that many people believe these "spots" seen in pictures are simply dust particles or some other thing that has to do with lighting rather than the celestial body of a loved one who has passed away. I don't believe this is always true. I share this because another thing that brings me comfort is the times I have spotted an orb close to myself, my daughter or another family member. For example, after losing Evan I saw orbs around my daughter in pictures more frequently than I had in a very long time. Actually, I hadn't really noticed one since I took a picture of my husband and daughter walking together at the park approx. 3 years ago. More recently I see them from time to time in pictures of myself, my daughter, and/or my husband.

My sister recently pointed one out to me in a picture she took with my daughter in it and their was an orb right beside her. I saw one in three pictures just taken today at a bridal shower I hosted for my sister-in-law. I saw one directly over her head in a picture and in two other pictures I saw one above mine. I believe this could be my mom-in-law or my Evan. Regardless, I smile because I know they are with us and this too brings me comfort and joy.

I recently attended a visitation for a wonderful man who passed away. While waiting in line to pay my respects to his beautiful family I saw an old acquaintance. We talked and the dreaded question came up . . . "how many kids do you have now?" I find that people have actually added after a long pause from me . . . "one? two? house full?" I realize I'm probably staring at them thinking about how I am going to answer this question and walk away feeling peace and they are wondering why I'm staring and not answering the simple question . . . simple. huh.

I don't even know why it's a dreaded question. Part of me is thinking "what's the big deal?" Another part of me is screaming, crying, and throwing a fit because for some frustrating reason I can't just say "TWO! I have two beautiful children!!" Why can't I? Because for some other super frustrating reason I can't figure out how to say that one will be 5 in May and the other passed away after birth without worrying about how uncomfortable this might make the other person.

I remember having a discussion about this with my older sister when I was pregnant with Evan. Still carrying him, I was already having anxiety about how I would answer this question. I was sitting in the parking lot at Schnuck's when we were on the phone and I just immediately felt this extreme pressure and great need to seek help with this challenge we were facing. Evan's sweet kicks reminded me that it wasn't something that I needed to find the answer to at that time. He was comforting and made me realize that I should take one day at a time, one challenge at a time and face the ones ahead when they actually arrived instead (if they arrived) . . .  and hopefully, if that time came, I would be stronger because I had overcome the challenges prior to them. I may even have a better answer and would have done all that worrying for nothing.

Well . . . while I appreciated that realization at the moment . . . here we are now and while I think I have become stronger in many ways along this journey, I STILL don't know how to answer that question without worrying or feeling some other negative emotion.

So . . . back at the visitation, standing in line, I answered, "oh, no, no, just one." I continued the brief conversation but all the while my heart was breaking, sinking and I had a huge lump in my throat.

You may be asking, why is this so hard? What's the big deal? I have from time to time. Mostly out of frustration. If you are, I guess I would ask:

1.  have you ever had someone look at you like you had two heads and snakes coming out of your ears and nostrils when you give them the honest answer, the only answer that makes any sense and while it hurts and yes it is a terrible thing that happened it is also the most beautiful and something. . . someone I want to share . . . or
2. felt the incredible pain of making the wrong choice and acknowledging just one of your beautiful children knowing good and well that you are incredibly proud of each of your children? 

If you can answer yes to these . . . or you know someone who can and you have any good advice for me . . . please respond here or email me evans.mommy9_1@yahoo.com  . . . please.

Outside of moments I'm still trying to figure out and questions I'll probably always have . . . I would like to also share that things are going ok for my little family. We are happy, we love each other, we have fun together, we laugh together, we live life together, we argue and we make up, we hurt one another, we forgive each other . . . we are for all intensive purposes . . . fairly normal . . . well, maybe I should say, we are fairly normal for our kind of normal.

I end with one of the many quotes I like that keep me on my toes:
"You've got to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you've got, and remember what you had. Always forgive, but never forget. Learn from mistakes, but never regret."

- Unknown

I wish I could say I sat here this morning with a wonderful thought in mind of something beautiful to write on my sweet baby boys blog. I didn't. In fact, I visit his blog often and go through the motions to begin writing another post and find myself reading my past posts over and over . . . in hopes I feel closer to him as I re-read every word of every post from when I was blessed to carry him. I miss him terribly. He's always on my mind and in my heart.  

From one of my favorite books (Wherever You Are):

"I wanted you more than you ever will know, so I sent love to follow wherever you go . . .
It never gets lost, never fades, never ends . . .
There's no place, not one, that my love can't find you . . .
Just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.
That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there . . .
You are my angel, my darling, my star . . .
and my love will find you, wherever you are.

Happy Easter, sweet baby boy. I wonder how this glorious holiday is celebrated in heaven. I can promise you this, Evan, your mommy is celebrating and I am so incredibly grateful for all this day means to us. I will see you again because He saved us.

My sweet baby boy,

I miss you so.

I am sitting in our office with the sun shining on my face thinking of you. I must admit I have never looked at the sunshine, clouds, rain, sky the same way I do now. In fact, I never looked at anything with the same beauty and appreciation as I do now.

I talk to you every day. Do you hear me? I know that you do.

March 1st marked six months since we last held you in our arms. It also marked 1 year and 2 months since we've held you in our hearts . . .  from the moment we knew you had been created.

The days leading up to March 1st mommy noticed that things were becoming more difficult than they had been in a little while. I noticed how much harder simple every day easy tasks were. I became discouraged by my new ability to make everything challenging and frustrating. And then it hit me. Of course I knew we had a big day coming but it took a little bit for me to put it all together. Once I did realize I stopped everything, took time to talk to you and praise God for you and all His blessings. After that everything became much less difficult, less complicated and I had less frustration and more peace. Can you thank God for me personally, Evan? :-) 

On March 1st your big sis came to me talking about you as she often does. I realized, however, that on this day she didn't know about the fact that it had been six months since we last held you in our arms. Were you with her? Were you with us that morning, Evan? I believe you were.

She told me it wasn't fair that I got to hold you longer than she did. Mommy thought it was so sweet and precious. Of course I reminded her about how much she got to hold you and how amazing she was with you and how proud she was of her baby brother. She told me she knew all that but that she was talking about me getting to hold you in my belly for way longer than she did. She blows me away sometimes Ev. What was I to say? She was right and I have to admit that when she said it I felt good thinking about the fact that I got to hold you so long. Of course it wasn't long enough but no amount of time would ever be long enough.

I reminded her of all the times that mommy shared you with her while I carried you. All of the times she sang to you, talked to you, patted you and you kicked back. All the times we danced with you and made sure you knew about all the truly important things in life like how to make the best chocolate chip cookies and how much dough you could sneak and eat before your tummy hurts or mommy freaks out. :-) I think it was good for your big sis to hear this again because as you know she's still a little one herself and although she has a memory that blows me away we all like to remember everything about you and talk about you and hear about you as much as possible.  

We watched your ultrasound video. Evan you are so stinkin cute! I bet all your friends can't keep up with you in heaven. You were always so active! I remember feeling you at 14 weeks and thinking to myself what a blessing that was.

I think you know about a little surprise we are planning for your big sis. In fact, I think you have lead me in the right direction because this most recent find is just perfect and all came about too easy. Thanks, Ev. I know you'll be with us when we surprise her.

I know mommy tells you every day how grateful I am for you. I do because it's so very true. Evan, I find it hard sometimes to explain how I feel about you and how I feel about having had to experience the immense pain of letting you go too soon. I cry sometimes and then feel guilty because I don't ever want you to think I am sad about you. Sometimes I cry because I miss you. The time we had together on earth was so precious. Sometimes I cry because I feel so blessed to have experienced life with you.

The best way I can explain it to you now is this . . . After your sister was born I didn't think that my heart could be any more full of love. My love for her, your dad and our family made me feel like my heart would explode. Then you came along and I felt that same feeling all over again. It is the most beautifully intense feeling I could ever dream of. I feel so blessed to feel all the love and happiness I do now and whether you are here as you were just 6 months ago or you are in heaven I will always be blessed with having had the opportunity to grow so deeply in love with you . . . a love that lasts a lifetime and beyond. And all of this amazing love I have for you, your sister, your dad, our family and friends is all because of the love God so graciously gives to each of us. My love for Him has grown so beautifully too. So sometimes I cry sweet boy because the love I feel is so beautiful it brings me to tears.

We miss you. We love you. We hold you in our hearts now and forever sweet baby boy.

All my love, Your Mommy 

Happy Birthday Momma Ilene

Today is a very special day. Today is my mom-in-law, Ilene's, birthday. Ilene passed away one year before I got to marry her amazing son. I was lucky to be a part of Ilene's beautiful family for many years before she passed away. My relationship with Ilene was, is and always will be one of the most touching relationships I have ever known. I love her and miss her every day.

I know with all my heart that Ilene is holding my sweet baby boy in heaven. I know that she is loving him, giving him all the affection I could only dream of and telling him all about the people here on earth who love and adore him. This brings me peace.

Last night I was looking through some old family photos and videos hoping to find a video of Ilene to share with my daughter today. I'm still on the hunt. However, I did come across several pictures and a file on my computer with a poem that was shared at Ilene's memorial and several songs labeled Ilene's favorites.

In honor of my beautiful mom-in-law's birthday I wanted to share this song (one of her favorites) 

I handed my sweet baby boy to my husband one last time on September 1, 2011 knowing he would never hand him back to me. This was the most difficult thing I have ever done. Finding this song last night (the first time I've listened to it) was a gift. I feel peace imagining the singing and dancing his grammy was doing to this beautiful song as she held him in her arms in heaven that day.

This poem was shared at Ilene's memorial . . .
DON'T GRIEVE FOR ME, FOR NOW I'M FREE,
WALKING THE PATH GOD LAID FOR ME.
I TOOK HIS HAND WHEN I HEARD HIM CALL,
I TURNED MY BACK AND LEFT IT ALL.

I COULD NOT STAY ANOTHER DAY,
TO LAUGH, TO LOVE, TO WORK OR PLAY.
TASKS LEFT UNDONE MUST STAY THAT WAY,
I FOUND HIS PEACE AT THE CLOSE OF DAY.

IF MY PARTING HAS LEFT A VOID,
THEN FILL IT WITH REMEMBERED JOYS.
A FRIENDSHIP SHARED, A LAUGH, A KISS,
OH, YES, THESE THINGS I TOO WILL MISS.

BE NOT BURDENED WITH TIME OF SORROW,
I WISH YOU JOY FOR YOUR TOMORROW,
MY LIFE'S BEEN FULL, I SAVORED MUCH,
GOOD FRIENDS, GOOD TIMES, A LOVED ONES TOUCH.

PERHAPS MY TIME SEEMED ALL TO BRIEF,
DON'T LENGTHEN IT WITH UNDUE GRIEF;
LIFT UP YOUR HEARTS, AND PEACE TO THEE,
GOD WANTS ME NOW, HE SET ME FREE.

Happy Birthday Momma Ilene!! 

This morning I woke up with the urge to share a few things here on Evan's blog. Before doing so I went to the March of Dimes website. There are walks coming up in the next several months. I learned of these upcoming walks after seeing a link a friend who lost her precious baby girl due to anen posted about a walk she will participate in. I wish I could walk with my friend (Hugs to you Tristin) but since we live far away from one another I won't be able to. I will, however, walk in an event in my area in honor of my sweet boy, your beautiful girl, all the beautiful babies (and their mommas) I've come to know and love during this journey, babies and mommas that may walk this journey, the amazing research March of Dimes does to find answers about problems that threaten our babies, and for all the babies that may have a better chance of a healthier life thanks to March of Dimes.

After reviewing the upcoming walks in my area I saw that there is a walk in Columbia, MO on the afternoon of May 6th. As you may or may not remember, May 6th is the day my husband, daughter and I learned that we had a son/brother and that he had anencephaly. And so the date for the event I will be participating in has been chosen.

I don't question if God is taking care of me. I KNOW HE IS! May 6th was going to come regardless. May 6th will come again every year for the rest of my life as will the anniversary of so many life changing days I have experienced. God has shown me a way to find peace and celebrate my sweet boys LIFE on a day that will be challenging but much less difficult, absent, painful thanks to God's love . . . Thank you Heavenly Father!!

As for the things I had the urge to share when I awoke . . . I'm going to spend a little more time here another day sharing those things. Coming here is a joy for me so revisiting again soon sounds like a good idea. :-)

Just Think . . .

I've been away from my sweet boy's blog a little more than I had anticipated and/or really would have liked. I have thought about Evan every day and many times each day. I found myself in a silent place for the past several weeks. I realized that not only had I not written on his blog but I hadn't talked about him much or about what I was feeling. I also realized I may have entered a new (old) phase of grieving. The books aren't kidding when they say grieving is like waves . . . big giant waves that sometimes wash away and then repeat.

I miss my sweet boy every day.

I ordered this picture from Carly Marie. You may remember the picture of Evan's name in the sand on a beach in Australia. This is from the same amazing woman. It's a little early Valentine's Day treat to myself in honor of my sweet boy.

I am grateful to have a place to share this picture and more importantly my sweet boy. His life has so much purpose, so much meaning and I believe God wants my sweet little one to be shared so that others remember that He has a purpose for each and every one of us.

A poem I have always treasured titled Just Think: 

You're here not by chance,

but by God's Choosing.

His hand formed you and

made you the person you are.

He compares you to

no one else -

you are one of a kind

you lack nothing that

His grace can't give you.

He has allowed you to

be here at this time in history

to fulfill His special purpose

for this generation.

~ Roy Lessin

http://www.nationalshare.org/Trivia_Flyer_-_2012_v2.jpg

Please visit the link above to learn more if you are interested in participating in the Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss agency trivia night in March. I am excited about this event and the opportunity to help raise money for an amazing organization . . . A special group of individuals who have truly helped my family as we remember our sweet boy.

Please email me at evans.mommy9_1@yahoo.com if you are interested in joining a table or getting your own table of 8 together.

Thank you in advance for your continued love and support.

A note to my sweet angel . . .

To my sweet baby boy:
Happy New Year my angel. I can't imagine what time is like in heaven. I've tried imagining what everything may be like in heaven and it may seem odd but I am actually so excited sometimes when I think about how there is a piece of me (you sweet boy) in heaven with God and our other precious angels. Please don't get me wrong, your momma is extremely selfish at times and wants nothing more than to hold you in  my arms, kiss you, wrap you in blankets, watch you eat, hear you giggle and coo and on and on.

I have so many more questions, Evan. Ones I will never get an answer to. Like, what will you look like when I meet you in heaven? Will you be a baby? Do you get to choose? Does God? I realize that there will be a time when you would have celebrated (when we will celebrate) (does God celebrate birthday's in heaven?) your 1st, 3rd, 6th, 9th (and on and on) birthdays. I know that I will only be able to imagine what you may have looked like, what your personality may have been like at those ages. When I think of time that has passed I realize that you would be four months old now. I think about how you might have changed but I still hold the most precious image of you in my mind and heart just the way you were when I first held you. These questions bring so many thoughts and mixed emotions.

Time here on earth is very fascinating to me but I guess time in heaven is truly more fascinating to me now more than ever. Maybe there are answers and I have yet to discover them. I can assure you I'll be looking for them sweet boy because I want to know everything I possibly can about the amazing place you are in. It makes me smile when I think about how much you could actually be teaching me and how precious your lessons will be, how precious they have always been and continue to be.

You helped me learn how beautiful time truly is (albeit confusing :-). You helped slow me down and taught me to acknowledge that time is a gift and while it often seems to fly by there are other times like when I held you in my arms that time stands still.

There are so many things about you that make me smile. I thought I'd share just a few with you now. 
The blessing of each new day that I wake up and thank God for my two beautiful children.
Hearing your daddy refer to you as 'lil man.
Listening to your sweet big sister who adores you talk about you and remember you in so many things we do and in so many precious ways.
Seeing your beautiful face.
Hearing someone . . . anyone . . . talk about you, especially when they refer to me as your mom or you as my son.
When people remember you with me in any way and at any time.
Sweet memories of all of the dance parties you, your big sis and I had when I was carrying you. You are quite the little dancer.
Remembering every second of the time I carried you in my womb and held him in my arms.
Thinking back to some of the conversations we had when I carried you and how you would respond to me by kicking me when I patted my belly.
Remembering the sound of your hiccups while I was in labor. You had some serious hiccups :-)
Logging on to my medical insurance website, seeing my daughters name, your name and my own, clicking on your name, which prompts the question "are you sure you want to manage Evan's account," and proudly clicking YES!! Just because.
Thinking about how incredibly proud I am of you and your sister.

There are so many more that I share with you day to day and others I'm sure I'm yet to discover.

Sometimes people identify resolutions for the New Year, Evan. I have done this in the past and have either been really successful or gave up too soon. This year I will be successful with my resolution, which I discovered in the book of Matthew in the New Testament.
My resolution this year and years to come is to have and maintain a pure heart. I know that God seeks people who are pure in heart (Matthew 5:8) and have read that "having a pure heart starts with paying attention to our thoughts, because from our thoughts come our words, our emotions, our attitudes, and our motives."

I have also read that "purity of the heart is not a natural trait: in most of us, it is something we must work on. . . .  We do not have to be afraid to make the commitment to allow God to do a deep purifying work in us. We may not always feel comfortable about the truth He brings us, but if we do our part - facing it, accepting it, and allowing it to change us - He will make sure we are blessed."

So, sweet boy, my resolution, my commitment is to allow God to work in me and to be cognisant that it is my responsibility to work toward purity of the heart. I am excited about this and also about knowing that I am never in any journey alone. You, Evan, have helped bring me here today. You, your sister, my family have helped me in ways you may never know, ways I may never be able to fully explain. So, thank you. Please know that in each new day on earth and in every moment in heaven your momma thinks about you, loves you and holds you in my heart. xoxo  ~ Momma