It seems that there are times when I don't have much I feel like sharing. Other times, I feel like I want to share but hesitate because I'm not sure if I'm ready. Then there are times when it feels like the flood gates have opened and all I want to do is sit down with my laptop and thoughts related to Evan, life, loss, love.
I'm not sure how to describe what I'm feeling now . . . I feel a little mixed up about what to share but the flood gates have opened and I just know that I need to be here . . . right here with my thoughts and a special place to share them.

There is one thing that I want to explain about me. I think that there are a lot of women who bravely share their negative thoughts and feelings about seeing a pregnant woman, having a close friend or family member become pregnant after their loss or someone having a baby near the time their baby was born and passed. And for all those who have or will . . . I completely understand. I empathise with you and my heart breaks with you for the pain you feel. I want to explain how I feel . . . if you are pregnant . . . CONGRATULATIONS!! If you had a baby and he/she is near the same age as my sweet Evan . . . AWESOME!! BELATED CONGRATULATIONS to you too!! If you are trying to get pregnant and/or are going to be announcing a pregnancy soon . . . GOD BLESS and GOOD LUCK!!

Do I ache a little when I see a new baby and/or a pregnant momma? Yes, sometimes. Not always but I have and I would never lie about that but it doesn't have anything to do with that momma or baby. In fact, I couldn't be happier to celebrate new life . . . new love and a precious child with a friend, family member or a stranger for that matter. I believe all children are amazing. I also believe that while your child is amazing, I, like many mom's, believe that nothing and no one compares to my children. When my heart aches a little it is aching to carry Evan (especially during the first few months following his birthday) and/or because I so badly want to hold Evan in my arms again. Sometimes I ache seeing another woman pregnant because I realize that I may never be able to have a 3rd child and/or that if I am blessed with another that child may or may not have a birth defect (which has always been true but having experienced the reality of the possibility it is that much scarier).


I won't be going to the March of Dimes walk on May 6th. I actually learned that this day is not only the day we learned of Evan's diagnosis . . . a day I will never forget but not like the days that you always want to remember . . . it is also international bereaved mother's day. This year on May 6th a special new memory will be created . . .  this day this year my nephew will be baptised. The walk was a special way to acknowledge my sweet boy and help babies in his memory. However, I would gladly choose another day to walk or donate to March of Dimes in order to be present and celebrate my nephew's baptism.

There have been times that I have wanted so badly to experience a sign that Evan was with me. I believe that he is always with me . . . with all of us that love him dearly but sometimes experiencing a "sign" brings an incredible amount of peace, comfort, joy. I've learned that when I am looking for a sign it's harder to see. I wonder if there have been times when it was right in front of me but I was looking so hard I missed it.

The other day I was sitting outside with a client talking about the struggles life brings and the importance of choosing to survive while also appreciating the challenges in life as they are often times blessings in disguise. I was thinking of Evan as I was giving her time to reflect. A little yellow butterfly came fluttering by directly in front of us and almost landed on the bench next to me but instead fluttered beside me. This is not the first time that a little yellow butterfly has come close to me and "visited" for awhile while I was thinking of Evan. Each time it takes my breath away.

I've always believed in the possibility that we can actually see our loved ones with us by viewing pictures and identifying orbs. This is a definition I found online for orb: "any of the concentric spheres in old astronomy surrounding the earth and carrying the celestial bodies in their revolutions."  I don't know that I believe this exact definition (there are others) but I definitely don't believe it is just dust that I am looking at that's for sure.

I respect that many people believe these "spots" seen in pictures are simply dust particles or some other thing that has to do with lighting rather than the celestial body of a loved one who has passed away. I don't believe this is always true. I share this because another thing that brings me comfort is the times I have spotted an orb close to myself, my daughter or another family member. For example, after losing Evan I saw orbs around my daughter in pictures more frequently than I had in a very long time. Actually, I hadn't really noticed one since I took a picture of my husband and daughter walking together at the park approx. 3 years ago. More recently I see them from time to time in pictures of myself, my daughter, and/or my husband.

My sister recently pointed one out to me in a picture she took with my daughter in it and their was an orb right beside her. I saw one in three pictures just taken today at a bridal shower I hosted for my sister-in-law. I saw one directly over her head in a picture and in two other pictures I saw one above mine. I believe this could be my mom-in-law or my Evan. Regardless, I smile because I know they are with us and this too brings me comfort and joy.

I recently attended a visitation for a wonderful man who passed away. While waiting in line to pay my respects to his beautiful family I saw an old acquaintance. We talked and the dreaded question came up . . . "how many kids do you have now?" I find that people have actually added after a long pause from me . . . "one? two? house full?" I realize I'm probably staring at them thinking about how I am going to answer this question and walk away feeling peace and they are wondering why I'm staring and not answering the simple question . . . simple. huh.

I don't even know why it's a dreaded question. Part of me is thinking "what's the big deal?" Another part of me is screaming, crying, and throwing a fit because for some frustrating reason I can't just say "TWO! I have two beautiful children!!" Why can't I? Because for some other super frustrating reason I can't figure out how to say that one will be 5 in May and the other passed away after birth without worrying about how uncomfortable this might make the other person.

I remember having a discussion about this with my older sister when I was pregnant with Evan. Still carrying him, I was already having anxiety about how I would answer this question. I was sitting in the parking lot at Schnuck's when we were on the phone and I just immediately felt this extreme pressure and great need to seek help with this challenge we were facing. Evan's sweet kicks reminded me that it wasn't something that I needed to find the answer to at that time. He was comforting and made me realize that I should take one day at a time, one challenge at a time and face the ones ahead when they actually arrived instead (if they arrived) . . .  and hopefully, if that time came, I would be stronger because I had overcome the challenges prior to them. I may even have a better answer and would have done all that worrying for nothing.

Well . . . while I appreciated that realization at the moment . . . here we are now and while I think I have become stronger in many ways along this journey, I STILL don't know how to answer that question without worrying or feeling some other negative emotion.

So . . . back at the visitation, standing in line, I answered, "oh, no, no, just one." I continued the brief conversation but all the while my heart was breaking, sinking and I had a huge lump in my throat.

You may be asking, why is this so hard? What's the big deal? I have from time to time. Mostly out of frustration. If you are, I guess I would ask:

1.  have you ever had someone look at you like you had two heads and snakes coming out of your ears and nostrils when you give them the honest answer, the only answer that makes any sense and while it hurts and yes it is a terrible thing that happened it is also the most beautiful and something. . . someone I want to share . . . or
2. felt the incredible pain of making the wrong choice and acknowledging just one of your beautiful children knowing good and well that you are incredibly proud of each of your children? 

If you can answer yes to these . . . or you know someone who can and you have any good advice for me . . . please respond here or email me evans.mommy9_1@yahoo.com  . . . please.

Outside of moments I'm still trying to figure out and questions I'll probably always have . . . I would like to also share that things are going ok for my little family. We are happy, we love each other, we have fun together, we laugh together, we live life together, we argue and we make up, we hurt one another, we forgive each other . . . we are for all intensive purposes . . . fairly normal . . . well, maybe I should say, we are fairly normal for our kind of normal.

I end with one of the many quotes I like that keep me on my toes:
"You've got to take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what you've got, and remember what you had. Always forgive, but never forget. Learn from mistakes, but never regret."

- Unknown