I Am With You Always

As you hold me close in memory,
even though we are apart,
my spirit will live on,
there within your heart . . .
I am with you always.

When you lean on trusted friends
and their caring hugs enfold you,
within their loving arms
I'll be there to hold you
I am with you always.

And beyond the far horizon
when we'll finally be together,
where love will be eternal
and life will last forever . . .
I am with you always.

A keepsake token and poem from my Aunt Darlene.
I am so very grateful to all those who remember my sweet baby boy this season and throughout the year.




* Daddy, Mommy, Iley and Evan*

 

Today at work I passed out Christmas cards with an adorable picture of my little girl on it. I had planned to create a card myself to include Evan. However, when I saw her picture taken by the photographer who visits her school twice a year I couldn't resist ordering Christmas cards through the photographer. I struggled as to how I would include Evan. I always have a desire to add/include him in everything and at times I feel guilty if/when I consider not doing so for whatever/any reason (Christmas card being a perfect example). Unfortunately, this doesn't only apply to Christmas cards.

So the question I ponder day after day . . . How am I supposed to live my life in love with two beautiful and incredible children that I gave birth to and only make decisions (big and small) for one?

The Christmas Card resolution was this . . . one card on facebook as a profile picture to include both of my precious babies. And another that I will mail to family and friends that allows my husband and I to share our precious daughter's adorable Christmas picture, which we ordered through the photographer.

And when the photographer asked if I wanted to include names under "The Michauds" I simply replied with a soft, "no, thank you" hating every second of not being able to once again decide if I could put four names on the card. . . (while also wondering why I care so much about the "could" and "shoulds" and just don't do more of what I want). 

Last Christmas when I suspected I may be pregnant I had actually imagined what our Christmas card may be like this year with our new addition as I daydreamed about many other things to include a new baby for us. I had no idea that just a year later something that has always been so much fun, something I always enjoyed and yet something so simple . . . Christmas cards . . . would become such a challenge.

He Shines

A roller coaster of emotions doesn't quiet describe the feelings that one may experience after losing someone they love. I wish I had the words to describe it but it turns out Evan's momma isn't as clever as she had thought. : )

Pain and suffering is relative . . . we all experience it for a variety of reasons . . . no source of our suffering is more or less than another because we only know what we have experienced . . . what we have truly lived. What I have found is that there is a point that we all face in which we have to make a choice . . . do we choose to survive or do we allow ourselves to be overcome by our pain and suffering?

This choice isn't necessarily made once or twice . . . that too may be relative. In fact, for me, I find that I make this choice every single morning and some days more than once a day. Some days the answer is easier than others. Some days the answer is a simple, yes of course I overcome and survive this pain, sadness, emptiness and grief that I am feeling. Other days, the answer to survive comes but not without a fight.

I had been looking forward to a very special ceremony that was held this past Tuesday. It was a candlelight ceremony at the Angel of Hope. In my mind and heart this event had become a holiday in itself for my sweet baby boy. It is hard to describe but these events, these opportunities to acknowledge my sweet boy with others is part of what makes surviving living without him possible for me right now.

Unfortunately, I was hit with the stomach flu on Tuesday morning. No matter how hard I tried to fight it (and believe me I really, really did), the truth was, I was sick and there was no place I could be other than bed (and a trip to the restroom now and again).

As I laid in bed I experienced so many different emotions. I tried to be angry and adopted the belief that once again I had been defeated. Once again, something so important to me and my "survival" was taken from me and there was nothing that I could do about it. As hard as I tried to be the victim, I realized in time that I wasn't truly angry (as hard as I tried to be) and I am not a victim. Was I sad? Yes, very sad. However, knowing that Evan's Nana, Aunts and Uncle were there in our absence made my heart full.

During the ceremony as I laid in bed talking to my sweet boy, apologizing for my wealth of negative emotions and telling him what I had learned, I felt him there with me. I closed my eyes and I could actually feel him and another holding him in their arms at the end of my bed and it was the most peaceful moment (he's so beautiful and so perfect and his scent is amazing) . . . a moment that I could never truly put into words. I didn't want to open my eyes for fear of losing this feeling or letting this moment slip away. And yet when I did open my eyes and the moment had passed I felt the most incredible peace. A peace similar to what I feel when I make a choice each and every day to survive another day without my sweet boy and not only to survive but to do so with an open heart and grateful attitude knowing that my sweet boy is shining in heaven.

I want Evan to see his momma smile, laugh and love. I want him to see his big sister enjoying life with her parents. I want my sweet boy to see his momma and daddy in love. I want him to see his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins enjoying life together. All the same things that I want for my daughter. And so I . . . we survive and allow our sweet boy to shine.

Our love will never fade (1st verse) . . . absent of that line, this song speaks so beautifully to me about my journey with my sweet boy . . . I am committed to survival because through that I believe that I can be the best momma I can be and allow my sweet boy to SHINE.

My daughter and I visited our local Crisis Nursery and made a donation in Evan's honor yesterday. I am so grateful to have shared this experience with my sweet girl in honor of her baby brother. It was a beautiful moment on a day we'll always remember. Hoping we have more of these opportunities to come.

~ 12 Weeks~ Above all else . . . So very thankful

The dedication at the Angel of Hope was beautiful. It was a small ceremony, which presented an opportunity to learn more about the Angel of Hope. There are several that have been donated throughout the US. The angel at the park where Evan's memorial bricks are was the 5th to be donated in honor of precious babies gone too soon and their families who mourn. We learned all about how our area angel was donated and how the resting place for it was created. A truly beautiful and touching story. An example of one miracle after another. I am grateful that my family and I had the opportunity to be there together.

Here is a picture of Evan's memorial bricks:

Today, I feel like going and buying him his own entire pathway to the Angel of Hope. :-) I miss my sweet boy.
My beautiful mom brought white roses for each of us to lay at the base of the angel. They are beautiful and I was very grateful. She never ceases to think of ways to honor and cherish her precious grandson and I am grateful for the times she shares this with me and for the other special times I know she keeps to herself :-)

If you haven't yet, I recommend reading The Christmas Box. It is a beautiful story. My sister gave me a beautiful copy of it for my birthday. It is the story of this beautiful Angel of Hope and there are so many lessons to be learned in this short story.

I attended a women's retreat last Sunday evening with my little sister. It was titled "Listening with the Ear of Your Heart" and it was held at her church. I enjoyed the experience very much and have found that I not only gained a lot from the actual three hours that I was present with my sister and other women growing in faith but as I continue to reflect on what I learned and the messages that God was sending me in that very moment.

I participated in an activity in which we gathered in groups of three and shared about an area in our lives in which we wish God was more present. Initially, I had to be honest with the ladies and tell them that God is SO VERY present in my life. I actually had difficulty identifying an area in which I wished he was more present because in my blessings I praise God and in my struggles I know He is there guiding me, comforting me, carrying me. I have always hoped and prayed that God was with me. Now more than ever I know this to be true. A beautiful truth that I am so incredibly thankful for.

As the week has progressed I have reflected and discovered an area where I needed to go to God more. I needed to ask Him for peace and understanding in an area in my life that I hadn't invited him in yet. I have been carrying around some negative thoughts and feelings, which if I were to be honest have been present much longer than ever should have been. I have learned that expectations are not always what we imagine them to be. I'm afraid that I will struggle to explain this to you now because I'm still figuring it out myself. But I will try . . .

I never expected that I could love another child as much as I love my daughter. I so very much do. I never imagined that I could carry a beautiful child, enjoy every moment of his life while creating new ways to embrace everything about him and include him in every moment of our family falling more in love by the second only to say goodbye after 9 months and 54 precious minutes. I did and I'm a better person because of it. I hadn't expected that a tragedy could bring me closer to my husband in ways I never could have imagined and that I could actually love my beautiful girl even more than I already did from the moment she was created. It did and I do! I hadn't expected that my precious family would show me the true meaning of unconditional love (absolutely no judgement, an incredible amount of patience, peace, love, nurture, shared joy, grief, support and on and on) . . . incredible never ending love. They most definitely have!

I hadn't expected my dearest friends to be brave and stand right by my side through each scary moment, painful experience/thought/feeling, and celebrate every precious moment of my sweet boys life along with me. They were and absolutely did. I hadn't expected my incredible co-workers to provide ongoing support, understanding, compassion and comfort. They really have. I never expected to have so much love and support from people I never would have had the opportunity to meet if it weren't for my precious boy . . . to have made beautiful new friends that I will forever cherish. I definitely have.

I didn't expect to receive such incredible support and love from so many others who supported my family and took the opportunity to be a part of my son's life. We did! I didn't expect to have so many beautiful people show their support by reading our sweet boy's blog and praying for us when we needed your prayers most. We did! I know that I may not even know all of the individuals this applies to but know that I do not take you for granted and I am forever grateful to you!

As you can see, I have received so many beautiful blessings and all from things I had never expected. God is with me now in my efforts to rid myself of any negativity that may have ever existed as a result of those things I did expect but never received for my beautiful son, myself, my husband, our family. My expectations now fall one place and that is with my precious Lord.

To everyone that I have mentioned above and to those I have regretfully missed . . . I am thankful for you beyond words. To my husband and beautiful daughter . . . thank you my loves. To my sweet baby boy . . . momma loves you my sweet boy and as your big sister reminds me often, I carry you with me always sweet one, right here in my heart. I am so thankful for you my precious Evan. To my Heavenly Father, I praise you Lord today and everyday.

Dedication Rescheduled!!

The Angel of Hope dedication has been rescheduled! I am thrilled and very much looking forward to it!!

I just want to say how grateful I am for the incredible professionals at the agency that has created opportunities such as this for parents like my husband and I, siblings like my daughter, grandparents like Evan's, aunts and uncles like Evan's, cousins like Evan's, family and friends like Evan's to remember and honor our sweet baby boy.  The invitations were mailed but never received.  Because of these individuals this very special day I was looking forward to is going to happen and not next year during the next scheduled dedication (which is what I had already began accepting) but now. Thank you to everyone at Share.

I must admit I wish I had never had to have met them (at least not for personal reasons) but under the circumstances I am so grateful that I have.

Thank you God. And, thank you to Evan and our other guardian angels in heaven for praying for all of us here on earth who are missing you so deeply and loving you always.

~10 Weeks ~

I don't think I've shared this beautiful photo created by Carly Marie (http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/). Maybe I shared the link?

Evan's name in the sand  . . .

I miss my sweet baby boy.

I tend to be a positive person, a fighter and someone that can generally find the good in everything. It's my personality but I also have found strength through God, my family and close friends. My faith in God has only become stronger (thanks to my precious boy) and I am incredibly grateful because of this.

That being said and most definitely true I also find that I am so incredibly tired.

I am tired of waking up every morning with such a heavy heart. I'm tired of begging God for strength and peace to get through each and every day. I'm tired of experiencing such extreme emotions all of the time. I'm tired of feeling inconsistent and completely disregulated a lot of the time. I'm tired of trying to be strong and find the positive in everything when what I feel is anger, sadness, frustration, confused and lonely. I'm just so tired.

We had planned and were supposed to participate in a dedication ceremony at the Angel of Hope where three memorial bricks were placed in Evan's honor. While they mailed the invitations to everyone, we (along with others) did not receive our invitation. I continue to struggle with feeling angry that I didn't call sooner. I had a strong feeling that I should call while also feeling so strongly that there would be no way we would miss it. We missed it. That makes me angry, sad, disappointed and frustrated.

On Saturday, I attended a remembrance service with my mom, sister and daughter, lit a candle in memory of Evan and our loved ones who have passed and went to visit the park where Evan's beautiful memorial bricks are placed on a path to the Angel of Hope. This brought me peace and comfort and made me feel happy and so full of love.

I had time alone in my home on Sunday to light a candle for Evan, talk to him and pray for him, my daughter, our family. I felt joy, peace, love. 

On the way to school this morning to drop my daughter off she heard a song that she said reminded her of Evan. She heard the word tear and heart in the song and said she has tears sometimes when she thinks about Evan and carries him in her heart. I felt love, pride, compassion, sadness and so much empathy.

I am learning that every single day brings about so many emotions, which is why I feel so tired lately. Learning to live without a piece of myself, my family is the greatest challenge I've ever faced. I acknowledge that I am so very blessed to have two unbelievably amazing children, a loving and supportive husband, loving and nurturing family and incredible friends. And while I am so incredibly tired at times I know for certain that each day is a gift and I am so very grateful for every single one. I am grateful for the opportunity to experience God's grace, His blessings and love.

"In my distress I called to the Lord and He answered me." Jonah 2:2

~ 8 Weeks ~

Today marks 8 weeks since my sweet boy was born into our arms and then into God's. In so many ways it feels like he was in my arms just yesterday and yet in so many other ways it feels like all too long ago.

There are just four short weeks before Evan would turn 12 weeks old and we celebrate Thanksgiving. Therefore, I wanted to share my plans for honoring our sweet boy on our first Thanksgiving without him in our arms.

Let's talk about what is really exciting about Thanksgiving as we all gather to celebrate and acknowledge the many things we are thankful for . . . the incredible food. :-) We are so excited every year to enjoy my mom's amazing Thanksgiving dinner. I'm sure so many can relate. This year Evan will be remembered and we will acknowledge all the many ways we are thankful for his beautiful life and while he will be with us in our hearts he won't be with us at the table. So, I have decided that it will be imperative for me to acknowledge him and his precious life the best way I know how . . .

Each year my family will make a food donation in Evan's honor to an appropriate organization based on the age that he is each year. For example, this year Evan would be 12 weeks old. Therefore, I have identified that we will make a donation in Evan's honor to the Crisis Nursery (http://www.crisisnurserykids.org/wish_list.htm) and Nurses for Newborns (http://www.nfnf.org/mo_wishlist.php) this Thanksgiving. Please visit the websites to learn more about their amazing work!!

I would like to invite our family and friends and anyone reading this blog to make a donation along with us. In honor of Thanksgiving and Evan's age this year we will be donating cans of infant formula. You may give your donation to me or anyone in my immediate family and we will make a large contribution together. I have added the links to both organizations above for you to explore their wish lists further. We will be donating to these organizations again for Christmas so if you would also like to contribute to that donation in honor of our sweet boy I would be more than happy to begin gathering those donations as well.

If you would like to donate a can of formula to be donated in Evan's honor this Thanksgiving please purchase a can of Enfamil with Lipil (preferred by both organizations). If you are reading this post from another state or country please consider making a donation in honor of Evan in your community and/or in honor of the baby(ies) you remember in your heart.

My daughter donated a $1 tonight for world hunger in her brothers honor . . . because of my sweet boy several babies will have a full tummy this holiday season . . .  this equals one very proud mommy. :-)

I thought I'd share some of what I've learned over the past weeks . . .

My husband and I participated in an amazing Share event (Walk for Remembrance and Hope) with our daughter and several family members and friends (thank you again and again to each of you) on October 15th. We learned that, unfortunately, there are so many parents like us grieving the loss of their precious baby or babies. I also learned that Evan has many sweet friends in heaven. My mom and I agreed that we could imagine Evan with all his little buddies in heaven looking down on us that day giggling as they watched the green balloons float toward heaven. We were grateful for the opportunity to come together with such amazing strong parents, their families and their friends. It was a beautiful and extremely touching event.

Here are a few pictures of this beautiful event that we look forward to participating in again next year in honor of our sweet boy. When I figure out how to create an album or maybe even a slideshow I'll post more :-)  



With little ones to chase after as they ran toward the water and others who enjoyed playing in the sand not everyone could make it to the end. Here is a group picture of part of Evan's team. :-)



~ Evan's Balloons ~

As I was getting ready for this event I realized how anxious, nervous, giddy and excited I was. I realized that I was getting ready for a big event for my sweet boy ... an opportunity to gather with friends and remember him. I learned how excited I will be for this event every year ... I know that I'll look forward to the walk and other Share events that allow me and my family to remember Evan in special ways.

Shortly after the walk and the days that followed I learned that with all the excitement and remembrance came a reminder of the reality that our sweet boy is gone. This left me feeling very sad and alone. It's amazing to me that a person can be the furthest from alone and yet feel so incredibly lonely at the same time.

I've learned that there really are people out there that actually do say all of the number of things that are listed in the "what not to say to someone who has lost a baby" articles that I have read. However, I have learned that the majority don't. The majority of people are kind and compassionate or say nothing at all maybe because of fear of saying the wrong thing or because they just don't know what to say. I learned that I am grateful for these people because for every one person that says something incredibly hurtful there are many more who don't. And for those that do . . . I've learned that they just make me stronger.

I imagine each and every day how things would be different if I had the joy and privilege of raising both my daughter and son. I daydream about the busy mornings getting ready for the day, how I would balance special time with both of my precious children, what it would be like to change Evan's diapers and clothes, give him a bath and play with his toes, how I would watch Evan make my daughter giggle and how precious she would be with her delicate baby brother. I've learned that the harder I try to avoid thinking of these things the stronger the thoughts become.

I've learned that healing is something that is very situational. I've always heard the saying "time heals all wounds." In fact, I'm pretty sure I've even said it before. While this may be true at times, I've also learned that this is certainly not always true. To be healed is to become whole again. A piece of me is missing since the day I said goodbye to my sweet boy. While he will always be a part of me and live through our memory and love for him there is a piece of me that will always long for him . . . a piece of me that is missing. I've learned that time will not make me whole again . . . but it will make my pain less raw. So thus begins a new phase of our journey . . . as we travel through time accepting our challenging moments while enjoying each other, our beautiful daughter, our amazing family, good friends, laughter, faith, hope, love, and our precious memories of our sweet baby boy.

"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:31

Introducing . . .

In honor of a very special day tomorrow, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I would like to introduce our sweet baby boy . . . Evan Matthew!!

Our precious angel who will be remembered today, tomorrow and always . . .

This is my 50th post on my sweet boys blog. A year ago I had had an early miscarriage. I'm not sure I've ever posted about that here. In September 2010 I had a miscarriage. I took a pregnancy test and found out on the exact same day four years prior (when I found out we were pregnant with our daugther!) that I was pregnant again. The coincidence was amazing to me and I was thrilled. The very next day I began miscarrying and felt completely crushed and scared. My husband and I survived that together with the love of our family. I never imagined we would become pregnant 3 months later.

What did I imagine you may ask. In January 2011, I imagined that I might actually be pregnant since the 5 at home pregnancy tests seemed to say so. I imagined that I might actually be able to carry another sweet baby and feel him/her inside me in a few months. I imagined how beautifully our lives would change having been touched by another sweet, beautiful baby my husband and I created together. In February 2011, after a string of blood tests ensuring that my levels were increasing appropriately and an ultrasound showing our little pea in my pod I imagined how exciting it would be to have a little boy. I imagined holding our sweet baby in my arms and watching as my husband and daughter did the same . . . a sight I knew I would always cherish.  I imagined all the many ways that our new baby was going to change our lives forever.

Today (all of these many days, weeks, months later), after carrying our precious Evan for nine months (which I am forever grateful for) and giving birth to our sweet baby boy I am so very happy and blessed to share that everything I imagined (and more) came true!!

I have spent this time that I have had (away from work, extra responsibilities, etc) to experience and reflect on this incredible journey. While I have shed many tears, screamed through my pain and felt intense weakness at times I have experienced God's love as he picks me up and protects me through my pain and suffering. Although the pain and sadness of missing our sweet boy (oh goodness his little 5lbs of baby sweetness was so absolutely precious) I am constantly reminded of the joy and beauty our little one has brought to us and so many others.

After experiencing a tremendous loss, I don't think it's uncommon to wonder if you are grieving "right", "normal" or however you may refer to it. I admit that I have questioned this of myself. Well, that is until I realized once again that there is absolutely nothing normal about grief and loss . . . pain and suffering.

I realize that everyone has their own thoughts and opinions about our journey, their view of how they might have taken this journey if it were them, how they would feel now, how they would grieve/cope this tremendous loss, their opinions on the many should or should nots for my family and our future. I also realize that I will have to return to work (working closely with people) next week. So, as I remove myself further and further from my protective bubble of amazing family and incredible friends, who have experienced this incredible loss with my husband, daughter and I, I will have to learn to cope with the feedback I am no doubt going to receive from others (those with good intentions and those without). I have read about many examples of this on others blogs or heard stories. As you can probably guess I have some anxiety . . . mostly I guess, because I feel like I'm doing fairly well in my bubble. I pray that God braces me and provides me the comfort and strength to endure all that is to come as I continue this journey.
Everyday I send a kiss to heaven and say hello to my sweet baby boy. Every day I tell him mommy loves him. Every single day I thank God for him and for the love and joy he has brought to my life. Every day I feel my sweet boy and I know that I am with him and he is with me.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

I saw this posted on another blog, http://www.caringforcarleigh.com/, which I read regularly. The author of this blog has brought me a great deal of knowledge and comfort through her blog and an online support group that I joined shortly after learning of Evan's diagnosis.

I think this is very powerful and wanted to share it with as many people as possible. Visit the website (http://www.october15th.com/) to learn more.



We will be participating in the Wave of Light in loving memory of our sweet baby boy and his friends in heaven.

One Month . . .

. . . since my beautiful boy was born into our arms and then shortly after into God's.

This past month has included precious moments and has been full of my loved ones and I sharing beautiful memories, surviving challenging times, making new memories, enjoying family, friends and fun. Some of this I will share on my son's blog now.

September 1st our second child was born and our daughter met her baby brother. Our family met our beautiful boy. On this day time stood still for a moment but when it did come time our family stood by us . . . walked with us as we continued our journey and said goodbye to our beautiful boy.

The following day, September 2nd, we were blessed to have Evan's first party in our home . . . Evan's home . . . to celebrate his life and welcome our sweet boy into our lives. Thank you again and again to those who were there helping us celebrate Evan's precious life.

We were blessed with family and friends who stayed close by helping us with our daughter, our home, and our grieving days after Evan's birth.

Two weeks after Evan's birth my husband, daughter and I went on our first ever family camping trip. I had wanted to do this for a long time and felt anxious about going. We had wanted to take advantage of our time together. I wanted to be as close to nature as possible thus hoping to be close to Evan but couldn't help feeling a little nervous about going this soon after Evan's birth. We had a great time packing, loading up the car and on our road trip to our destination. The moment we arrived and turned into the camp site where we would be setting up camp moments later we saw them . . .

. . .a momma and baby deer. It may be difficult to see them but because I was in such amazement I hadn't thought of getting a picture until they were walking away. When we first pulled in and saw them I was simply excited to see two deer standing so close to our car, staring at us and not running from us. Then, we watched as the baby deer went to his mother and began nursing. I knew at that moment that my family was going to have a beautiful camping trip together on our first of what will be many family camping trips.

Here is a picture of us on one of the hikes we took while camping. It was so much fun and I'm so glad we thought of using the timer on our camera! :-)

We were happy to have family join us on Saturday.


Sis in law, Jen, and nephew came for a day of fun!!



Spending fun time in the tent with my sister, Abbey, nephew, and daughter while it poured :-)

Unfortunately, I didn't get any good pics of my bro in law or father in law but they joined us too and we had a great time. As we exited the park on Sunday afternoon there were two deer standing near the gate as if to say thank you for coming and please come again. :-)

We visited a beautiful park where we (and some of our family) have purchased a memorial brick in honor of Evan. I would like to give a HUGE thank you to Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, Inc. I encourage everyone to visit their website (http://www.nationalshare.org/) to learn more about the services they provide/offer and to find an office close to you. This agency and the people working for them are highly recommended by me! This agency is phenomenal and the women that I have met at our local office are amazing. We are looking forward to three very special Share events coming in October, November and December that will bring us much hope, comfort, peace and joy as we honor and remember our sweet boy. Thank you Share!

Below are two pictures of the park where our bricks will be placed in honor of Evan later this month or early November. Also in this park is a beautiful statue of the Angel of Hope.

I picked up t-shirts for our team that will be walking at the National Share Walk for Remembrance and Hope later this month. A huge thank you to Share again for this event that I am truly looking forward to and a HUGE thank you to all those walking with my husband, daughter and I in honor of our sweet baby boy!! We are so grateful! Your presence during this journey has been and continues to be so very much appreciated!

This past week I sat around the table with my daughter, mom, and two sisters, Kristy and Abbey and made buttons for the Share walk with Evan's beautiful face on them. Doing this with these amazing ladies was wonderful and I am grateful for them, their time and creativity!!

 

Also this month, I was able to request that Evan's name be written in the sand in Australia by an amazing woman, Carly Marie, who lost her son, Christian. She has dedicated her time to create a beautiful memorial for parents all over the world by writing children's names in the sand on Christian's Beach. Her name, work and story can be found at this site: http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/.  Evan's name written in the sand can be found here:  http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2011/09/evan-matthew.html.

My family and I went to the zoo this past week. It was a beautiful day and we were lucky to have my big sister in town to join us. We began our walk around the zoo starting with a peek at a black bear. Immediately after seeing the bear and at the beginning of our day at the zoo we saw this:

A reminder that I am grateful for each and every time . . . a reminder that our precious boy is with us always.

Today is International Bereaved Father's Day. Today, I remember all of the wonderful daddy's out there who have lost a precious baby. I send thoughts of peace to them. Today, I honor the most amazing daddy that I have the privilege of also calling my husband. The man I love so dearly. I pray for peace in his heart today and always.

We continue to adjust. My husband will be returning to work this coming week. We'll be ok of course and we have thoroughly enjoyed our time together but I am still going to miss my husband, daughter and I being together all of the time.

I've felt fairly strong and comfortable over the past three weeks because I've been with my husband and daughter and/or my other family including my sisters, nephews, mom . . . with someone I love so dearly all the time . . . the strength and confidence I feel with them is empowering and I know it is because they too were and are close to Evan. They remind me of Evan and they love him as I do.

My family was close before, don't get me wrong, but in this difficult time as I continue to grieve I feel very lucky . . . very blessed to have such loving, understanding and patient family. My older sister, Kristy, will be visiting this week and I'm very excited about that. She posted a comment on one of my blog entries recently that made me think a lot. I instantly received peace and comfort after reading it but spending more time thinking about it has helped me gain so much more . . .I can find peace and strength by seeing my son live through the ones I love so dearly who also loved him. That is such a blessing.

Being and feeling close to God is so incredibly important for me because I believe if I am close to him then I must be close to Evan. I have always yearned to grow in my faith but now that yearning is even stronger and more powerful than ever. 

Do you ever have times when you feel like you are learning and growing so fast you almost can't keep up? I feel like I have gained so much knowledge about so many different things (mostly just personal things about life, love, faith, etc. but all beautiful nonetheless) and I'm having a difficult time keeping everything straight without writing it down and/or talking with someone special to me about it in hopes they'll help me remember. My sweet boy has brought me and continues to bring me so much growth, continuous positive change and the most precious love!

I was watching A Walk to Remember (tear jerker!!) and when I heard the last line of the movie it totally hit home for me. Landon (boy in the movie) says "Our love is like the wind. I can't see it but I can feel it."

I had some separation anxiety (yes, I admit it . . . not only did my daughter have it but I did too) up until very recently and it helped to remind myself that my daughter felt my love even when I couldn't be with her. I experienced anxiety the most during work days when she was at school. She doesn't spend much time away from me unless she is at school, which is a long day . . . too long in my book. Otherwise, if we are apart she is with family and I couldn't be any more comfortable when she's with our family.

So, if you knew how bad my separation anxiety was before Evan you could imagine how it would be capable of breaking me completely given the physical separation we are experiencing at this time. If it wasn't for the support I have and continue to receive from my family and close friends it would be more challenging. But what is really powerful is the guidance, strength, love and support I have and continue to receive through my growing faith . . . by believing in God's love for all of His children and learning more about this beautiful love every day.

I received an absolutely beautiful little boy angel statue from my co-workers who are also very dear friends. I am blessed to have such an amazing and supportive team to work with! I love that sweet little angel boy so much! It meant the world to me that they remembered my plans for Evan's garden. I can't wait to look out my window every day and see the angel standing in our backyard surrounded by Evan's garden. For now, the angel is inside my house where I can keep him close :-) . . . it's this and other memorabilia (my necklace, amazing pictures, two beautiful angel figurines, candles, bracelets, etc.) that I have that give me a visual reminder of our sweet boy but like the wind . . . I can always feel his love.

Remembering Evan ALWAYS

Oh boy have I been missin' my boy! Hard does not describe some of the most difficult moments that pass each day when I feel an incredibly sharp pain in my heart that comes with missing him so terribly much.

We've been staying very busy as we usually are but now we are busy and I am always thinking about how Evan is with us . . . smelling our beautiful boy's sweet baby boy scent suddenly out of no where and stopping to take it in as much and as long as possible before it fades away, feeling him in the breeze, the sun peeking through the trees just long enough to pop out and say hi and then go back beyond the clouds, the much needed rain, the grass that is finally turning green again, the smiles my baby girl gives me from across the room as if she knows what I'm thinking and may be thinking the same exact thing, the calls, texts, emails that I receive from my family and those of you who continue to offer your amazing support just when I need it to help remind me what amazing love and support God has blessed us with in our lives and all the wonderful love that our son will always have . . . and on and on and on . . . but most definitely knowing and the most incredibly feeling of having Evan in our hearts forever and always.

I was on the phone the other day describing how my husband and daughter were cleaning out the garage. She loves to help daddy and getting dirty is an added bonus! As I mentioned what they had been working on together that morning (and while they happened to be taking a break in the kitchen with me at that moment) I had overheard my daughter lean over to her daddy and say that Evan was helping them in the garage too. She had the sweetest smile and sparkle in her eye as she shared this with him . . . this acknowledgement that she shared as though it was almost a secret. This simple little acknowledgment from our sweet little four year old sent me spinning with amazement, happiness, love and joy.

I cannot remember the conversation I was having on the phone before, let alone after, she said this to her daddy. I know my daughter cannot possibly understand the beauty she brings to me in those precious moments but God does and so I am certain to try to remember to thank Him every single time for those beautiful moments with my daughter when she remembers her sweet baby brother in the most precious ways.

Momma I'm Flying

I woke this morning with a heavy heart, crying and feeling so very lonely. I've prepared myself for this as I have acknowledged that this is a normal response . . . normalcy in regards to the natural grieving process. However, no matter how prepared and/or aware I am of this "process" it's so hard . . . so difficult. I was incredibly grateful that my husband was waiting for me downstairs, arms wide open waiting to embrace me in the hug I needed more than anything at that very moment.

We have been so incredibly grateful to have the time we have had together as a family since Evan's birth. We acknowledge how tremendously blessed we are for this time off work to be together with our sweet girl so that we can take the time necessary to grieve together, heal together, be together embracing the birth of our beautiful boy and establishing our new "normal."

So hours later, after waking in sadness, I sit here having prayed, watched our son's beautiful video, addressed announcements, talked to my husband, spent time with our daughter, blogged, and listened to the play list on my ipod that has brought me so much comfort . . . I accept my sadness, I experience it but more than anything . . . I acknowledge that my sadness today is for me . . . not for my beautiful boy in heaven.

I love this beautiful song I've heard it before but I didn't really listen to it and hear it the way I do now until my sister put it in the beautiful video she created for us in honor of Evan. Now, I wish it could be and would be playing every where I am, every where I go . . . all of the time.

I can  hear the messages that God and my sweet baby boy are sending me and the warmth I feel wrapped around me as I listen to this song . . . the message that my precious angel baby is flying . . . he is ok, better than ok, Evan is FLYING!!

I know this to be true because of my love for God, because of God's love for Evan's momma, because of my precious love for Evan, and because of God's love for all of his beautiful babies. Thank you, Lord.  

Earlier today, while enjoying some Just Dance Kids with my daughter on the Wii she says to me "mommy, I think Evan knows we're dancing now." As we continue dancing and I admire her sweet sincerity, I tell her that I completely agree. She then tells me that she thinks Evan is so special and because of that he sees us sometimes . . . she then adds that she believes he is always with us.

I'm not exactly sure what my husband and I did to deserve the magic of having not one but two amazing babies but boy have we been blessed. The truth is having struggled with what and how to tell our daughter as she continues on this journey along with us has remained a challenge at times . . . at other times, it seems unusually easy.

While it seems so easy to simply tell her that her brother is in heaven I have been hesitant to do so due to the fact that we hadn't talked about heaven much before learning of Evan's diagnosis and/or his passing. Therefore, I have always worried that she might think heaven is a place we can visit. A place such as her favorite places to play, shop, eat, etc. Thus, we have chosen the explanation that is also very true . . . our sweet boy has passed away and will always be in our hearts. On her own and I believe through God's love and guidance, she has begun discovering the rest. She already has and I know will continue to enlighten me and will more than likely teach me more about heaven and her little brother than I could have ever imagined. I am so grateful.

Today, I received an email from a family friend. She shared this poem with me:

"As a butterfly graces our lives with one moment's fragile beauty, so too has your baby's presence blessed you, and those that surround you with their short life, and unique spirit. May you find peace, and joy with each butterfly that passes, knowing that your baby lives on in the hearts of all they touched." Thank you, Elke.

 

Evan has certainly touched all of us and will forever live on in our hearts.

7%

It was some time on Friday that I realized out of the blue that I hadn't gotten my second Rhogam injection at the hospital after delivering Evan. After questioning myself several times I decided to share this with my husband and then questioned him as if he would have been able to say "yes, I remember them sticking a large needle in your bottom, don't you?" Unfortunately, I went to the worst place (the internet) for more answers because my doctors office had closed by the time I had sense enough to call them.

I had known that due to my blood type, O negative, it is imperative for me to have two Rhogam injections ... one at approximately 28 weeks, which I received, and the other after delivery. After a long and stressful search online I came to realize how incredibly important it is to get the second shot due to many articles online documenting that not receiving the injections could negatively affect any attempt at becoming pregnant in the future. While I am enjoying my two beautiful children very much and am in no hurry to expand our precious family of four I must say the idea that we would have an added challenge if/when we do decide to attempt adding to our family was somewhat overwhelming. While my husband did/said all he could to take away my stress/worries there really was nothing we could do until I could call the hospital and/or my doctor to find out more about my care.

Saturday I made a strong effort to find out on my own through labor and delivery at the hospital where I delivered our sweet boy if there was any way I had received a Rhogam injection. No luck. I couldn't figure out how to get the incredibly cheerful lady who answered the phone to check my records and/or Evan's. While I appreciated her cheer and suggestions that I should just call my doctor Monday and see if I can get it then (grrr . . . she obviously hadn't read anything about Rhogam on the internet!) it wasn't getting me anywhere I needed or wanted to be. Staying fairly calm I debated calling my doctors after hours exchange. I don't like having an emergency let alone creating one when it's not technically an emergency. However, after a little more debate my husband and I agreed that I should call and what a wonderful decision that was.

I received a call back from an incredibly kind and understanding Nurse Practitioner through my doctors office. After explaining my situation to her she called the hospital herself and returned my call moments later. After apologizing for the long wait, which wasn't long at all, she gave me the most incredible news . . .

My sweet baby boy had O negative blood. He had the exact same blood type as his momma. This is the only way that a second Rhogam injection would not have been necessary . . . the only possibility that I had not even imagined possible.

7% of the population have type O negative blood. 7%, which now includes my precious Evan and I  . . . my sweet boy who was, is and always will be just like his mommy.

Beautiful Life, Indescribable Love

While some days, moments are more difficult than others one thing remains so true . . . I have been so blessed. I enjoy writing. I especially enjoy sharing about my sweet Evan. However, for some reason I am having such a difficult time putting the wealth of thoughts and feelings I am experiencing into words.

I remember feeling guilty shortly after learning of Evan's diagnosis because I started thinking about the possibility of having another child. A child without anencephaly. Would this be possible? Common response, I think. Fairly quickly (and gratefully) this became much less important and the bond I developed with Evan consumed any guilt I had experienced and/or thoughts of future pregnancy. Now, while I am so incredibly grateful for Evan's beautiful 9 months and 53 minutes of life I find myself only wishing to be pregnant with Evan again or having the opportunity to relive those beautiful 12 hours I held him in my arms or both. The love and bond we shared during his beautiful life is indescribable and I miss him so much.

I experience peace in knowing that we continue to share a deep love and precious bond through God's love.

"Those we love are with the Lord and the Lord has promised to be with us. If they are with Him and He is with us, they cannot be far away." ~ Peter Marshall 

I miss him. I miss him terribly but I can tell you that the joy of remembering my sweet boy's beautiful face, arms, hands, fingers, feet, toes, body . . . his precious scent . . . the kisses I was able to give him and time we spent with him is beyond words.

It has been 6 days and 12 hours since we welcomed our beautiful baby boy and held him in our arms for the first time. I've wanted to post on Evan's blog many times during these past several days but have had a slightly difficult time finding the words to express the overwhelming thoughts and feelings I have experienced. I find now, as I sit here typing this post, that it hasn't become any easier but I can't bare let another day pass without writing on my sweet baby boys blog.

Friday, September 2, 2011 my husband and I returned home from the hospital. Our family planned a small party to celebrate Evan's life Friday evening. We were joined by precious friends and family. My sister, Kristy, created the most beautiful video for us to cherish for the rest of our lives. She had the help of my aunt Sheila who took the most beautiful pictures and my sister Abbey's creativity. We were able to share this video with our guests Friday evening. I can't speak for everyone but I am certain it is the most precious and beautiful video I have ever seen!

My husband, daughter and I were surrounded by so much love and support all weekend as we continued to celebrate Evan's precious life with our family. Each and every day has been filled with so much love as my husband, daughter and I, as well as my family, continue to share our thoughts and feelings about our beautiful Evan. I have enjoyed looking at Evan's pictures multiple times each day, watching the video of his life that brings me so much peace and joy, drying flowers, getting creative with projects honoring my sweet boy, shopping for scrap booking items, starting a beautiful scrapbook, planning and preparing for the events/activities that we will be enjoying in the near future as we continue to celebrate Evan's beautiful life, and on and on and on.

While I keep myself very busy with these things, the thing that has helped me the most over the past several days is the time I have taken to talk to my sweet boy, pray for him and praise God for the blessings he has given me including, but not limited to, my husband, my family and my incredibly precious children . . . my beautiful son and daughter.

The Chord

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does its work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown

A link to our sweet baby boy's obituary.
http://hosting-tributes-24674.tributes.com/show/Evan-Matthew-Michaud--92251916

Our Sweet Evan's Birth

Evan's story starts long ago when his father and I created him through our love and commitment to one another. His story continues for an eternity because he will always be so very deeply loved and remembered.

This is the story of his birth and his birthday and oh what a glorious day it was.

My husband and I entered the hospital on Tuesday, August 30th at approximately 9:45pm. We settled in my labor and delivery room shortly after and I was given an IV and put on monitors. From this point forward we were able to hear Evan's heartbeat and his every move. Throughout our stay he had the hiccups three times and let me tell you that hearing his hiccups was just as precious as feeling them if not more so because I got to experience both at the same time. What a blessing.

At approximately 11:45pm the doctor completed a sonogram of our most beautiful boy and began the induction by giving me Cervidil. Rory, Evan and I slept through the night. Although, I woke often to hear our beautiful boys heartbeat. Never having had the chance to listen to his heartbeat for more than 2-3 minutes at one time made it incredibly difficult for me to sleep. Of course, I had to lie there listening to the most beautiful sound, the most precious gift.

We received a visit from my doctor on Wednesday morning, August 31st. The Cervidil had started the process and it was time for Pitocin. Several hours passed and I was making little progress. My doctor visited again Wednesday afternoon and I must say we were all a little pessimistic about the induction progress. We were however very pleased and over joyed at the strength our little man maintained throughout the entire process. Praise be to God.

During Wednesday evening my progress took a turn and the contractions began full force. I had an epidural that worked for the right side of my body but not the left. To no avail the epidural had to be removed and replaced by another. Evan, our little warrior, hung on and stayed so strong through it all. In my weakest moments throughout labor God and my little baby boy were giving me the strength to be strong. It was also a blessing to have my incredible husband our our amazing family there with us through it all. The support we had during this time was unbelievable.

It seemed that my progress moved so fast towards the end. By Thursday morning, September 1st, I was told that Evan would be arriving within hours ... maybe an hour. My doctor arrived and prepared me to push. I pushed once for her and my water broke. I had so much excess fluid by that time (I was told it had begun increasing quickly 1-2 weeks earlier). For a second I thought Evan had been born. My doctor and I laughed a little because I think she was a little startled too. Next push, my sweet boys entrance began and one more push later he was born into our loving arms at 8:59am. My husband followed him wherever he went in our hospital room staying close by to embrace and admire our son. The NICU physician confirmed that Evan was hanging on but we knew it wouldn't be long.

My husband handed me our precious boy and I began telling him everything I could possibly have dreamed of wanting him to know again but this time face to face with me looking into the most beautiful face. It was an indescribable moment. A moment that I will never forget. My husband and I held each other as we held our son. We knew we had an extremely anxious and excited big sister waiting to meet her baby brother so my husband got my mom and daughter who came to our room to meet our gorgeous boy. Not knowing exactly what to expect myself I have to tell you that once again my children continue to teach me about the most important things in life. Our daughter entered the room, took one look at her baby brother and fell in love. She is so proud of him and as she admired him with such peace and love she instructed everyone who entered next to look at him while describing how delicate and beautiful he is. She continued describing him, his beauty to everyone and had a very difficult time letting go as she wasn't ready to share with the others just yet. After she held her sweet brother approximately 5 times :-) she went for a walk with family but stayed close by.

The room was filled with peace, extreme joy, beauty, the scent of our sweet baby, indescribable love and then 54 minutes after our son was born I believe while all of these things continued to exist they became stronger as Evan's beautiful angels began their decent to carry our sweet boy to meet our Heavenly Father. While Evan's beautiful, perfect body remained in our arms his spirit was beginning the journey to the most incredible place . . . to heaven.

We had the honor and privilege of spending 12 incredible hours with our son on his birthday. During this time we continued to enjoy and express our gratitude for having been blessed with the opportunity to hold an angel. To hold our Evan, our sweet angel baby. We admired each and every incredibly chubby finger and toe, his adorable big hands and cutest little feet, sweet chubby legs and arms, perfect little bottom, tummy and chest all the way up to his sweet chin, perfectly kissable lips and button nose, his beautiful eyes and precious little head. While all of this kept me in amazement for hours, this little bundle of joy was so much more . . . he is and always will be an incredible gift from God and a blessing to our family.

While I am grateful and praise God for the opportunity to wake up every day to my beautiful daughter, wonderful husband and our family I am also very grateful that a piece of me is in heaven with my sweet boy. I believe with all of my heart that Evan has a piece of his mommy in heaven with him today and while I know I will never forget my beautiful boy I beg of God that my little boy will always have a piece of me in heaven. I will continue to praise God for and embrace the beautiful peace and incredible joy of being on earth with my precious daughter, husband, and our amazing family and friends but I am also prepared and for the first time completely fearless of death as I will also be grateful for the day God calls me home and I can once again kiss the most beautiful lips of my precious baby boy. Oh God how I miss those lips, that face his body and all the love we shared in 54 beautiful minutes.

I smell my sweet angel from time to time. The most beautiful scent. I know he is with us and I know that our love will continue to grow because he is with me and in my heart forever.

September 1, 2011 8:59am. Happy Birthday my beautiful angel baby, Evan. Mommy loves you and my love will follow you wherever you may go. Enjoy heaven sweet baby. Visit me in my dreams. And please know sweet boy that mommy cries because I miss you. Mommy feels so much peace and comfort too because I'm so happy you are at peace, full of love and in God's hands. All my love always and forever sweet Evan. May God be with us always.

This morning two beautiful baby boys were born to an amazing woman, my new friend. One went to be with Jesus after having spent a short time alive in his parent's arms. I had the honor of learning about this little ones life personally from his mommy. I am grateful that I met their mom and I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to learn of and celebrate these boy's lives today.

We have one week until we meet our sweet boy. One week and it seems that all of a sudden my ability to maintain some control over my emotions is wearing very thin.

My husband and I attended my final doctor appointment on Tuesday. We had our final ultrasound and made plans for our admission next week. Evan appears to be doing very well. He has returned to a position ready for delivery, which is good because my amniotic fluid is now on the high side. My husband and I will be going to the hospital on Tuesday evening and are expecting to deliver Evan on the 31st.

On a scale of 1-10 I feel like my emotions (the wide variety of them) are all at a 10 (incredibly strong) and I can't imagine the intensity increasing but fear that within the coming days this might be just what I experience. This in and of itself feels scary.

My husband and I are real. We have been together since we were 17 (he was 16 and he loves reminding me of that because he takes full advantage of being 6 months younger than me). We had a short lived separation during college, which made us stronger. We have argued, disagreed, made up, and agreed. We have grown up so much together and on our own over the years. We have embraced and thoroughly appreciated extreme highs in life and have survived extreme lows. We have lived, laughed and loved like there is no tomorrow.

Next week we will meet our beautiful boy. We will continue to celebrate his life and prepare to grieve the loss of our precious boy while also continuing to pray for a miracle. We will prepare ourselves for having to share the most difficult, complicated news with our daughter and pray that she feels peace, love and comfort through God's love and the love of her family. We will survive and we will do this for one another, for our daughter, our family and for our beautiful boy.

This is what I know to be true for now.  

We had a busy weekend! Evan got to go on his first rescue mission Friday night to pick up his daddy who broke down about 40 minutes south of where we lived when we brought our daughter home for the first time. This brought about opportunity to share so much with Eavn that I hadn't even thought of talking to him about before. After rushing to pick up Evan's daddy we rushed back to a park close to home to meet our family, including our daughter, for a movie in the park. What fun! Wish I had a good picture to share.

Saturday was another day full of family fun! Evan was very active all day. I'm sure he was as excited about all the fun as I was. :-) My mom picked up my daughter and I early so that we could get our hair cut by a fantastic woman and wonderful friend, Melanie. It's always a good day when we get to visit with her! Afterward we headed to pick up my sister, Abbey, and had lunch then off to the nail salon for pedis/manis. My daughter loves this special treatment at the nail salon and it's so stinkin cute to watch her enjoy every second. Evan and I enjoyed a relaxing pedi and fit in a phone call with four amazing ladies, which included my big sis who just returned home from Italy.

After our relaxing but busy morning we headed for the most important treat of the day . . . ICE CREAM! :-) Evan really enjoyed that and so did we!! Then, we headed to a great outdoor mall (not sure how new it is but it was totally new to me). It was a lot of fun to shop with the girls!

Sunday, I woke up to an awesome sermon by my favorite pastor. In my opinion, one can never be reminded too often of the importance of putting God first! My daughter and I headed back to the store with my mom for some necessities. My husband was busy working all day on Saturday but was able to come home early on Sunday. Yeah! Later that afternoon/evening, our daughter and I joined him for a trip to his favorite tattoo artist's new shop where we got to watch him get a very special piece of art for our sweet Evan. We were the only ones there, which made it a very personal and special event. This appointment was planned in hopes that he would get to have this tattoo completed before our son arrives. It all worked out and we felt very blessed!

With plans for my induction just 9-10 days away I feel very grateful that our weekend was full of family, fun and lots of LOVE and SUPPORT!!   

Day of Hope

It feels so very appropriate to honor and remember all of the beautiful babies in heaven today on this day of hope and on my son's blog. Peace, Love and Hope to everyone.

For more information please visit  http://august19thdayofhope.blogspot.com/ 

The most amazing little girl

I'd like to tell you a story about an amazing little girl, Evan's big sister. I've shared how much she means to my husband and I throughout this blog. I don't think words could ever really describe how incredibly much we love and adore our precious girl. She has also taught me so very much throughout this journey.

Some of my favorite times while carrying Evan have been sitting with my daughter talking about her baby brother, listening to her sing to him so that she can help him fall asleep, watching her face light up as she feels him moving about, laughing with her when he kicks her in the eye or cheek:-), feeling so much love when she randomly gives her baby brother kisses as we sit together or any time of the day/night that she feels the desire to do so.

Yesterday we were making a super quick trip to Walgreens for two things. We had our game plan ready before we walked in as to how we were going to get in and out during a busy time of the day. We were on our way to the register as we passed the photo counter. There were four to five pictures displayed in different sizes under the counter. The largest in the middle was a large poster size picture of a baby boy and next to it was an 8x10 of baby's feet. My daughter was walking next to me throughout the store until I noticed she had lagged behind a little at the point we approached the photo counter. I turned to see what was slowing her momentum and our dash and go plan down. It was at that time that my tears from the morning and afternoon when I was alone welled up once again but luckily stayed at bay in order for me to enjoy another precious moment with the most amazing little girl.

I joined my daughter kneeling in front of these two pictures. She said quietly, "mommy, I think this is what our baby might look like." I then said, "I think his feet might look like this . . . look how cute those toes are!" She giggled looking at the picture I referred to briefly and then focused her attention back to the much larger picture of the baby boy. I then said, "baby, I think maybe our Evan is going to look a little bit different but to us he will be perfect." My precious daughter then says, "I know mommy, Evan is beautiful. We are going to miss him so much but he'll always be my baby."

We knelt there together in silence a while longer before she giggled a little and commented on the baby's funny nose (nostrils flared). I flared my nostrils for her and then she giggled even more and much louder. We hugged and I reminded her how proud I am of her and how very much I love her.

On our way to the register, I thanked God for this beautiful moment with my daughter and for blessing me with two incredible children.

My husband (my hero) attended an appointment at the funeral home for us. He had a really great visit with some incredible people who were compassionate and provided the most helpful resources. I was able to talk to someone on the phone before the appointment in order to share my thoughts and feelings and my dear sweet husband handled the rest. I have no idea what I would do without him, our daughter and our amazing family. I am so blessed that I don't have to wonder.

I saw my doctor yesterday and as I suspected we may need to do some re-evaluating as a result of my stink pot's (that would be Evan if you were wondering) position on the most recent ultrasound. :-) Since we learned during the ultrasound on the 8th that he was transverse (sideways) we will get to have another ultrasound next Tuesday!! Always love any chance I get to see my little man on screen. My doctor thinks that he has moved back to a head down position, which will make plans for induction on the 31st go as planned. However, we will confirm this next Tuesday. In the event he hasn't we will be re-evaluating. Most importantly, we will not be rushing this little guy at all! We'll know what is right when the time comes because we have God and my amazing doctor who is guided by God on our side.

Evan's heart beat sounded incredibly beautiful yesterday, as always. It will never cease to amaze me that a baby with anencephaly, our baby, is physically perfect otherwise. He is perfection to us regardless but every time I hear the doctors say, "nothing has changed with his diagnosis but he is perfect otherwise," (or something to that effect) I can't help to think what a blessing he is and hope that every doctor, nurse, stenographer, etc. that crosses our path takes note that our baby, this beautiful boy, is a person with a phenomenal little life. I hope that they remember this for when/if they meet another mom experiencing the same journey. While I don't feel my doctor did or said anything wrong (sharing only what she knew to be true) . . . I do believe in my heart that my doctor and others in her practice may approach this situation somewhat differently after having had the opportunity to experience this journey with my family . . . with our sweet Evan.

Maybe instead of telling parents that the majority of people terminate their pregnancy after learning of this diagnosis and wishing the parent the best as they are left to make a "decision" . . . maybe my doctors will tell them about a mom who didn't . . . more importantly, maybe they will tell them about our sweet precious boy, Evan.

I will carry you

I've had the pleasure of listening to the song posted in this entry several times on other blogs and after reading the book, I Will Carry You, by Angie Smith. This song was written by Angie and her husband who is a member in the group Selah. It's a beautiful song. It's one that I realized some of you may have never heard and I wanted to share it with you today. I am so blessed and honored to have been chosen to carry Evan and I know that as much as my husband and I love Evan there is no one that loves Evan more than God.

There are 16 days left until my husband and I continue our journey to the hospital where we will meet our precious baby boy. I can't help but wonder how many minutes, hours, days we'll have with our son before we have to kiss him goodbye as he goes home with Jesus. I'm praying that God's will is at the VERY LEAST for my husband and I to have (again at the very least) a minute with our son alive in our arms. I am begging God for AT LEAST one minute with my son alive in my arms so that I may hold him and whisper in his ear how very much I love him and to thank my little one who has so beautifully changed my whole life . . . my whole world.

Of course, any amount of time we have with our son will be a true blessing and miracle.

My sister-in-law, Jen, surprised me with beautiful pictures she and her fiance, Tom, took while enjoying a family day on the river. Knowing that they thought of Evan and stopped to take these pictures warms my heart completely.

Yesterday, I thought of my grandfather Ray. I realized that although he has passed away every time I think of him I picture him in TX, traveling to see friends or what he might be doing for fun. I don't think of him as having passed away or being in heaven with my other loved ones who have passed away. I wonder if this is because I didn't get to see him often and I wasn't able to attend his funeral. Regardless of why, I was actually comforted by knowing that Evan will have another amazing angel waiting for him with open arms and hearts.

I remember my grandfather coming to visit when my daughter was approximately 3-5 months old. It was such a sweet time as I watched my grandfather holding my daughter, cooing, talking and smiling with her. I will always remember this and will envision my grandfather, grandma, mother-in-law and grandpa enjoying my sweet boy together as they take turns pouring their love over him when he meets Jesus.

Evan hasn't been moving as much as he has the past several weeks. Don't get me wrong, I definitely feel him moving but it's just enough of a change that I feel terrified several times a day with the thought that he may have passed. It's safe to say I am having an extremely difficult time concentrating on things. I'm doing my best to remain sturdy and strong throughout the day, especially at work. It has become more difficult as my induction date grows closer and I continue to experience changes in my pregnancy.

It's amazing how a person can experience so many emotions at one time. I often talk to my clients about mixed emotions . . . a concept that is actually difficult for kids to understand sometimes. Guess what . . . its difficult for me to understand sometimes too. These incredible moments of pain and sadness remain yet also melt so quickly as I feel overwhelmed with joy and peace when my son responds to me.

My daughter is now officially in her last year of pre-k and is in the oldest group in her school. She is growing so fast and amazes me every day with her unbelievable sense of humor, intelligence and creativity. I feel so full of love sitting with her and my son enjoying the funniest and/or sweetest conversations with my daughter as she naturally gives her baby brother sweet kisses. And then, before I know it, I have to excuse myself due to being overcome by the reality that this too will come to an end much, much too soon. Then again, before long, after prayer, positive self-talk, and/or a supportive conversation with a loved one I am back and feeling strong, courageous and peaceful.

This journey has brought a roller coaster of emotions and while it is intense at times, I must say I wouldn't trade this time and these emotions for anything if it meant I wouldn't have had the opportunity to carry this amazing little boy. I don't write these thoughts and feelings because I pity myself or this journey. Oh goodness NO! I share this because it's important to acknowledge that while this journey is difficult at times it is also so incredibly beautiful and I am truly blessed.

I've dreaded making one very important call and every time I enter the number I can't complete the call. The call is to the funeral home to make arrangements for my sweet boy. My husband has made it very clear that he is willing to make the call for us. My mom has offered. The nurse at the hospital who is helping us has offered. While I have appreciated the offers, I have declined simply because I feel very strongly that this is something that I need to do as Evan's mother . . . something I need to do in order to care for and mother my precious boy. So, why can't I make the call?

I'm afraid of what they might say that might send me spiraling out of control. I'm afraid that they will answer and I will become temporarily paralyzed unable to think let alone speak. I am so afraid that making the call means that I have given up.

I understand all of the many reasons why it makes sense to make the call before I am induced. I have every intention to do so but I can't . . . I just can't do it. At this time, I had wanted to be putting the final touches on my son's bedroom, filling his closet and drawers with clothes, stocking his room with toys, sterilizing bottles, reorganizing cabinets to accommodate them . . . I had wanted to be preparing to bring our beautiful baby boy home.  

I pray that God gives me the strength to make this important call/appointment in order to ensure the best possible care for my sweet boy. I pray that He helps me accept that this is a responsibility and does not in any way mean that I have given up on Him or my sweet boy.

**I wrote the above as I have struggled with the remaining items (some more difficult than others) on my list of very important things to complete before my induction date. Today, I spoke to a very nice lady at the funeral home. I shared my reason for calling and discussed plans to schedule a pre-planning appointment for my husband and I to meet with the funeral director. An appointment was not made but will be soon enough. I hung up, smiled as I felt my sweet boy moving around, getting comfortable, saying hi . . . I praised God for helping me survive one of the worst phone calls of my life (among two with the other being the call I made to my mom with the news of our sweet boys diagnosis) and then as I cried I talked to my sweet beautiful boy who is so active, so strong and so alive.