This is my 50th post on my sweet boys blog. A year ago I had had an early miscarriage. I'm not sure I've ever posted about that here. In September 2010 I had a miscarriage. I took a pregnancy test and found out on the exact same day four years prior (when I found out we were pregnant with our daugther!) that I was pregnant again. The coincidence was amazing to me and I was thrilled. The very next day I began miscarrying and felt completely crushed and scared. My husband and I survived that together with the love of our family. I never imagined we would become pregnant 3 months later.

What did I imagine you may ask. In January 2011, I imagined that I might actually be pregnant since the 5 at home pregnancy tests seemed to say so. I imagined that I might actually be able to carry another sweet baby and feel him/her inside me in a few months. I imagined how beautifully our lives would change having been touched by another sweet, beautiful baby my husband and I created together. In February 2011, after a string of blood tests ensuring that my levels were increasing appropriately and an ultrasound showing our little pea in my pod I imagined how exciting it would be to have a little boy. I imagined holding our sweet baby in my arms and watching as my husband and daughter did the same . . . a sight I knew I would always cherish.  I imagined all the many ways that our new baby was going to change our lives forever.

Today (all of these many days, weeks, months later), after carrying our precious Evan for nine months (which I am forever grateful for) and giving birth to our sweet baby boy I am so very happy and blessed to share that everything I imagined (and more) came true!!

I have spent this time that I have had (away from work, extra responsibilities, etc) to experience and reflect on this incredible journey. While I have shed many tears, screamed through my pain and felt intense weakness at times I have experienced God's love as he picks me up and protects me through my pain and suffering. Although the pain and sadness of missing our sweet boy (oh goodness his little 5lbs of baby sweetness was so absolutely precious) I am constantly reminded of the joy and beauty our little one has brought to us and so many others.

After experiencing a tremendous loss, I don't think it's uncommon to wonder if you are grieving "right", "normal" or however you may refer to it. I admit that I have questioned this of myself. Well, that is until I realized once again that there is absolutely nothing normal about grief and loss . . . pain and suffering.

I realize that everyone has their own thoughts and opinions about our journey, their view of how they might have taken this journey if it were them, how they would feel now, how they would grieve/cope this tremendous loss, their opinions on the many should or should nots for my family and our future. I also realize that I will have to return to work (working closely with people) next week. So, as I remove myself further and further from my protective bubble of amazing family and incredible friends, who have experienced this incredible loss with my husband, daughter and I, I will have to learn to cope with the feedback I am no doubt going to receive from others (those with good intentions and those without). I have read about many examples of this on others blogs or heard stories. As you can probably guess I have some anxiety . . . mostly I guess, because I feel like I'm doing fairly well in my bubble. I pray that God braces me and provides me the comfort and strength to endure all that is to come as I continue this journey.
Everyday I send a kiss to heaven and say hello to my sweet baby boy. Every day I tell him mommy loves him. Every single day I thank God for him and for the love and joy he has brought to my life. Every day I feel my sweet boy and I know that I am with him and he is with me.