I thought I'd share some of what I've learned over the past weeks . . .

My husband and I participated in an amazing Share event (Walk for Remembrance and Hope) with our daughter and several family members and friends (thank you again and again to each of you) on October 15th. We learned that, unfortunately, there are so many parents like us grieving the loss of their precious baby or babies. I also learned that Evan has many sweet friends in heaven. My mom and I agreed that we could imagine Evan with all his little buddies in heaven looking down on us that day giggling as they watched the green balloons float toward heaven. We were grateful for the opportunity to come together with such amazing strong parents, their families and their friends. It was a beautiful and extremely touching event.

Here are a few pictures of this beautiful event that we look forward to participating in again next year in honor of our sweet boy. When I figure out how to create an album or maybe even a slideshow I'll post more :-)  



With little ones to chase after as they ran toward the water and others who enjoyed playing in the sand not everyone could make it to the end. Here is a group picture of part of Evan's team. :-)



~ Evan's Balloons ~

As I was getting ready for this event I realized how anxious, nervous, giddy and excited I was. I realized that I was getting ready for a big event for my sweet boy ... an opportunity to gather with friends and remember him. I learned how excited I will be for this event every year ... I know that I'll look forward to the walk and other Share events that allow me and my family to remember Evan in special ways.

Shortly after the walk and the days that followed I learned that with all the excitement and remembrance came a reminder of the reality that our sweet boy is gone. This left me feeling very sad and alone. It's amazing to me that a person can be the furthest from alone and yet feel so incredibly lonely at the same time.

I've learned that there really are people out there that actually do say all of the number of things that are listed in the "what not to say to someone who has lost a baby" articles that I have read. However, I have learned that the majority don't. The majority of people are kind and compassionate or say nothing at all maybe because of fear of saying the wrong thing or because they just don't know what to say. I learned that I am grateful for these people because for every one person that says something incredibly hurtful there are many more who don't. And for those that do . . . I've learned that they just make me stronger.

I imagine each and every day how things would be different if I had the joy and privilege of raising both my daughter and son. I daydream about the busy mornings getting ready for the day, how I would balance special time with both of my precious children, what it would be like to change Evan's diapers and clothes, give him a bath and play with his toes, how I would watch Evan make my daughter giggle and how precious she would be with her delicate baby brother. I've learned that the harder I try to avoid thinking of these things the stronger the thoughts become.

I've learned that healing is something that is very situational. I've always heard the saying "time heals all wounds." In fact, I'm pretty sure I've even said it before. While this may be true at times, I've also learned that this is certainly not always true. To be healed is to become whole again. A piece of me is missing since the day I said goodbye to my sweet boy. While he will always be a part of me and live through our memory and love for him there is a piece of me that will always long for him . . . a piece of me that is missing. I've learned that time will not make me whole again . . . but it will make my pain less raw. So thus begins a new phase of our journey . . . as we travel through time accepting our challenging moments while enjoying each other, our beautiful daughter, our amazing family, good friends, laughter, faith, hope, love, and our precious memories of our sweet baby boy.

"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:31