I tend to be a positive person, a fighter and someone that can generally find the good in everything. It's my personality but I also have found strength through God, my family and close friends. My faith in God has only become stronger (thanks to my precious boy) and I am incredibly grateful because of this.

That being said and most definitely true I also find that I am so incredibly tired.

I am tired of waking up every morning with such a heavy heart. I'm tired of begging God for strength and peace to get through each and every day. I'm tired of experiencing such extreme emotions all of the time. I'm tired of feeling inconsistent and completely disregulated a lot of the time. I'm tired of trying to be strong and find the positive in everything when what I feel is anger, sadness, frustration, confused and lonely. I'm just so tired.

We had planned and were supposed to participate in a dedication ceremony at the Angel of Hope where three memorial bricks were placed in Evan's honor. While they mailed the invitations to everyone, we (along with others) did not receive our invitation. I continue to struggle with feeling angry that I didn't call sooner. I had a strong feeling that I should call while also feeling so strongly that there would be no way we would miss it. We missed it. That makes me angry, sad, disappointed and frustrated.

On Saturday, I attended a remembrance service with my mom, sister and daughter, lit a candle in memory of Evan and our loved ones who have passed and went to visit the park where Evan's beautiful memorial bricks are placed on a path to the Angel of Hope. This brought me peace and comfort and made me feel happy and so full of love.

I had time alone in my home on Sunday to light a candle for Evan, talk to him and pray for him, my daughter, our family. I felt joy, peace, love. 

On the way to school this morning to drop my daughter off she heard a song that she said reminded her of Evan. She heard the word tear and heart in the song and said she has tears sometimes when she thinks about Evan and carries him in her heart. I felt love, pride, compassion, sadness and so much empathy.

I am learning that every single day brings about so many emotions, which is why I feel so tired lately. Learning to live without a piece of myself, my family is the greatest challenge I've ever faced. I acknowledge that I am so very blessed to have two unbelievably amazing children, a loving and supportive husband, loving and nurturing family and incredible friends. And while I am so incredibly tired at times I know for certain that each day is a gift and I am so very grateful for every single one. I am grateful for the opportunity to experience God's grace, His blessings and love.

"In my distress I called to the Lord and He answered me." Jonah 2:2