He Shines

A roller coaster of emotions doesn't quiet describe the feelings that one may experience after losing someone they love. I wish I had the words to describe it but it turns out Evan's momma isn't as clever as she had thought. : )

Pain and suffering is relative . . . we all experience it for a variety of reasons . . . no source of our suffering is more or less than another because we only know what we have experienced . . . what we have truly lived. What I have found is that there is a point that we all face in which we have to make a choice . . . do we choose to survive or do we allow ourselves to be overcome by our pain and suffering?

This choice isn't necessarily made once or twice . . . that too may be relative. In fact, for me, I find that I make this choice every single morning and some days more than once a day. Some days the answer is easier than others. Some days the answer is a simple, yes of course I overcome and survive this pain, sadness, emptiness and grief that I am feeling. Other days, the answer to survive comes but not without a fight.

I had been looking forward to a very special ceremony that was held this past Tuesday. It was a candlelight ceremony at the Angel of Hope. In my mind and heart this event had become a holiday in itself for my sweet baby boy. It is hard to describe but these events, these opportunities to acknowledge my sweet boy with others is part of what makes surviving living without him possible for me right now.

Unfortunately, I was hit with the stomach flu on Tuesday morning. No matter how hard I tried to fight it (and believe me I really, really did), the truth was, I was sick and there was no place I could be other than bed (and a trip to the restroom now and again).

As I laid in bed I experienced so many different emotions. I tried to be angry and adopted the belief that once again I had been defeated. Once again, something so important to me and my "survival" was taken from me and there was nothing that I could do about it. As hard as I tried to be the victim, I realized in time that I wasn't truly angry (as hard as I tried to be) and I am not a victim. Was I sad? Yes, very sad. However, knowing that Evan's Nana, Aunts and Uncle were there in our absence made my heart full.

During the ceremony as I laid in bed talking to my sweet boy, apologizing for my wealth of negative emotions and telling him what I had learned, I felt him there with me. I closed my eyes and I could actually feel him and another holding him in their arms at the end of my bed and it was the most peaceful moment (he's so beautiful and so perfect and his scent is amazing) . . . a moment that I could never truly put into words. I didn't want to open my eyes for fear of losing this feeling or letting this moment slip away. And yet when I did open my eyes and the moment had passed I felt the most incredible peace. A peace similar to what I feel when I make a choice each and every day to survive another day without my sweet boy and not only to survive but to do so with an open heart and grateful attitude knowing that my sweet boy is shining in heaven.

I want Evan to see his momma smile, laugh and love. I want him to see his big sister enjoying life with her parents. I want my sweet boy to see his momma and daddy in love. I want him to see his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins enjoying life together. All the same things that I want for my daughter. And so I . . . we survive and allow our sweet boy to shine.

Our love will never fade (1st verse) . . . absent of that line, this song speaks so beautifully to me about my journey with my sweet boy . . . I am committed to survival because through that I believe that I can be the best momma I can be and allow my sweet boy to SHINE.