I can't tell you how many times I've written a post, rewritten it, added to it, etc. over and over since my last post. I haven't felt prepared to actually publish it and that's okay because this "journaling" has been truly therapeutic for me. And then there are days, like today, when I feel so compelled to post that I can't possibly keep myself away from here.

Today is infant loss and remembrance day. A special day to remember precious babies gone to soon. A day to hopefully raise awareness, educate and provide hope and healing by coming together in a shared activity around the world (wave of light created by everyone lighting a candle at 7pm).

Today, and everyday, I remember my sweet baby boy. I also remember the many babies and their moms I've come to know, respect and care so much for along our journey.

And now to you, my angel,

Do you know how incredible you are? I often wonder if you do. I tell you and I hope you hear me. I ask God to remind you and I ask our other amazing guardian angels to hug you, kiss you and hold you the way I dream of doing again some day. Do you know how much you're loved? I believe you do. I pray I'm right.

I was joking with my friends at work the other day when we were talking about how funny we might look to others when we talk to ourselves in the car, etc. I thought about all the times I've been talking to you and laughing or crying as I do . . . this always seems to be while I'm driving as this seems to be the only time I truly have alone most days. It makes me wonder what you would think is funny. What would make you giggle? I wish I could hear you giggle.

Evan I know you are with me, with us. I feel you. It's incredible. Do you remember the other day when I was feeling quite helpless as to how to comfort your big sister who was missing you and feeling frustrated about losing you? Do you remember how I asked you to watch over her, ease her pain some how, some way after I had asked God for guidance? It's because I felt you. I knew you were with me. It made me smile, laugh and cry. Your presence provided me the same peace and comfort as the day I held you in my arms. You reminded me that I carry you always in my heart as does your sister and therefore she will be okay and I was assured that she is forever blessed for having you, her incredible guardian angel.

I pray that I continue to feel your presence. I recently heard a message about God's timing. His set time. It was such a good message for many reasons. As I listened, I knew without a doubt that I trust in God's timing for everything, more now than ever, and I trust that He will allow me to feel your presence again . . . all in a matter of time. Know that I am so excited for this to happen again and that I am extremely grateful for any and every reminder that you are with me always.  

I have felt more comfortable talking about you and sharing you with others. The feeling I had that I might make others uncomfortable is now gone (well almost). You, my sweet boy, are more than worthy of sharing and I am so proud of you.

Today is a special day to remember. As I sit here near your burning candle, another reminder that you are with us always, I remember you sweet boy. But, please know that there hasn't been one day since the moment I learned you were created that I haven't thought of you, loved you.

I ask that you continue to bring us peace and comfort. I pray for your own. I love you my sweet boy. If possible, more and more every day. All my love, always.