A note to my sweet angel . . .

To my sweet baby boy:
Happy New Year my angel. I can't imagine what time is like in heaven. I've tried imagining what everything may be like in heaven and it may seem odd but I am actually so excited sometimes when I think about how there is a piece of me (you sweet boy) in heaven with God and our other precious angels. Please don't get me wrong, your momma is extremely selfish at times and wants nothing more than to hold you in  my arms, kiss you, wrap you in blankets, watch you eat, hear you giggle and coo and on and on.

I have so many more questions, Evan. Ones I will never get an answer to. Like, what will you look like when I meet you in heaven? Will you be a baby? Do you get to choose? Does God? I realize that there will be a time when you would have celebrated (when we will celebrate) (does God celebrate birthday's in heaven?) your 1st, 3rd, 6th, 9th (and on and on) birthdays. I know that I will only be able to imagine what you may have looked like, what your personality may have been like at those ages. When I think of time that has passed I realize that you would be four months old now. I think about how you might have changed but I still hold the most precious image of you in my mind and heart just the way you were when I first held you. These questions bring so many thoughts and mixed emotions.

Time here on earth is very fascinating to me but I guess time in heaven is truly more fascinating to me now more than ever. Maybe there are answers and I have yet to discover them. I can assure you I'll be looking for them sweet boy because I want to know everything I possibly can about the amazing place you are in. It makes me smile when I think about how much you could actually be teaching me and how precious your lessons will be, how precious they have always been and continue to be.

You helped me learn how beautiful time truly is (albeit confusing :-). You helped slow me down and taught me to acknowledge that time is a gift and while it often seems to fly by there are other times like when I held you in my arms that time stands still.

There are so many things about you that make me smile. I thought I'd share just a few with you now. 
The blessing of each new day that I wake up and thank God for my two beautiful children.
Hearing your daddy refer to you as 'lil man.
Listening to your sweet big sister who adores you talk about you and remember you in so many things we do and in so many precious ways.
Seeing your beautiful face.
Hearing someone . . . anyone . . . talk about you, especially when they refer to me as your mom or you as my son.
When people remember you with me in any way and at any time.
Sweet memories of all of the dance parties you, your big sis and I had when I was carrying you. You are quite the little dancer.
Remembering every second of the time I carried you in my womb and held him in my arms.
Thinking back to some of the conversations we had when I carried you and how you would respond to me by kicking me when I patted my belly.
Remembering the sound of your hiccups while I was in labor. You had some serious hiccups :-)
Logging on to my medical insurance website, seeing my daughters name, your name and my own, clicking on your name, which prompts the question "are you sure you want to manage Evan's account," and proudly clicking YES!! Just because.
Thinking about how incredibly proud I am of you and your sister.

There are so many more that I share with you day to day and others I'm sure I'm yet to discover.

Sometimes people identify resolutions for the New Year, Evan. I have done this in the past and have either been really successful or gave up too soon. This year I will be successful with my resolution, which I discovered in the book of Matthew in the New Testament.
My resolution this year and years to come is to have and maintain a pure heart. I know that God seeks people who are pure in heart (Matthew 5:8) and have read that "having a pure heart starts with paying attention to our thoughts, because from our thoughts come our words, our emotions, our attitudes, and our motives."

I have also read that "purity of the heart is not a natural trait: in most of us, it is something we must work on. . . .  We do not have to be afraid to make the commitment to allow God to do a deep purifying work in us. We may not always feel comfortable about the truth He brings us, but if we do our part - facing it, accepting it, and allowing it to change us - He will make sure we are blessed."

So, sweet boy, my resolution, my commitment is to allow God to work in me and to be cognisant that it is my responsibility to work toward purity of the heart. I am excited about this and also about knowing that I am never in any journey alone. You, Evan, have helped bring me here today. You, your sister, my family have helped me in ways you may never know, ways I may never be able to fully explain. So, thank you. Please know that in each new day on earth and in every moment in heaven your momma thinks about you, loves you and holds you in my heart. xoxo  ~ Momma