Loving with your whole heart . . . guarantees?

Initially, I started this post by stating how long over due this post is but the truth is it's not.  This post is right on time.  I have thought about Evan's blog frequently over the past six months. I made a commitment to post when and if I felt moved to do so, not because I felt it was the right thing to do or because I felt guilty for not posting more frequently. Today, I am grateful to have something I want to share here on my sweet boy's blog.

So now on to the reason I am posting . . . Yesterday, my co-worker and dear friend showed me a Ted.com video. If you aren't familiar with this site I suggest you get familiar. It's great! I am posting a link here of the video I saw yesterday. I strongly encourage anyone and everyone who reads this post to watch it in it's entirety. You won't be let down. It's funny and incredibly insightful. Along with completely enjoying the video I have discovered someone that I am so very eager to learn more about as her work is inspiring and right up my alley.

Here is the link: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

There is so much I gained from this video. However, there was one part of the video in which Brene' Brown encourages those watching and listening to "love with your whole heart even when there are no guarantees" that particularly caught my interest and got me thinking.

Hearing this instantly brought tears to my eyes because it made me think of my sweet boy and our bond, our love. At first I thought about the moment my mind cleared and I knew there was never any other choice than to love our sweet boy and cherish every second of his life on earth and in heaven. I thought about the moment that I knew I could and would love him completely and allow myself to form the incredible bond we shared knowing that at any time he could pass away.

It also made me think of the fear that consumed me for approximately one week after we were told Evan had anencephaly ... the most intense fear that I have ever known and for a scaredy cat like me you have to trust me when I say it was intense. I thought about how in that short time I was consumed with so much fear, shame and vulnerability that I didn't even recognize myself.  Thankfully, this time was short and was followed by a mesmerizing awakening of the most incredible certainty and complete confidence in my ability to love with my whole heart, to let go of fear and shame and embrace my vulnerability.

Finally, I came to this conclusion . . . while I understand Ms. Brown's message to us all encouraging us to love with our whole heart even though there are no guarantees, I am compelled to challenge one part and that would be that "there are no guarantees."  For me, there was, there is, a guarantee . . . I had the opportunity to love and feel peace so incredible that it still takes my breath away. I was guaranteed the opportunity to embrace complete vulnerability and dive in head first. The love I gave with my whole heart gave me the opportunity for growth, change, and development on so many levels that I am still experiencing day after day.  

So are there truly no guarantees? I'm venturing to suggest that maybe there are not the guarantees that initially come to mind in any given relationship but I wonder . . . if you love with your whole heart, don't you always win on some level?

Did my sweet boy live more than an hour in my arms? No. Did loving him with my whole heart make me a better person and teach me more than I could have ever imagined about life and love. Absolutely. And, while I would give anything to feel his sweet body in my arms, kiss his precious little mouth and squeeze him close to my heart I will forever be grateful for the gift of learning how to love in spite of complete and total vulnerability.