I should be asleep . . . guess what though . . . I am so glad I'm not. I'm energized right now because like many days/nights I am full of thoughts and inspiration from you sweet boy. Lately, I have found that I like to keep you to myself more and more telling myself that I will be motivated to share you and our journey on here again some day . . . Such a selfish mommy :-) I love you sweet baby boy! Thank you God for this precious boy who lived and shines through all those who love him dearly.
It was such a strange time for me before your 2nd birthday. When all was said and done I realized that waves of grief are no joke. Now, I never really thought they were but reading about, talking about and even educating people about waves of grief and experiencing it first hand are entirely different. It's safe to say that I know another one is waiting for me but I'm ready. So when did this uncomfortably strong wave roll on out . . . I'll tell you exactly when! Your BIRTHDAY! :-) I woke up around 6:30am your birthday morning. I remember asking myself if I really wanted to be awake. Was I really ready to face the day that early? I thought maybe if I could sleep a little longer I would have fewer hours to suffer. Of course, I was so sure it was going to be a bad day and I was already so mad at myself for that assumption. Somewhere during the insanity playing out in my head I fell asleep. So here's the most amazing part . . . I woke up at 8:49am.I looked at the clock with panic coursing throughout my entire body. I saw the time and in that moment I experienced the biggest sigh of relief and the most hysterical laughter. I woke up exactly 10 minutes before the time my sweet boy was born. Ten minutes for me to experience the incredible peace you brought me the morning you were born and all the days after. Ten minutes to light a candle and say my prayers for you. What an incredible gift. I think about it every day. Gifts from heaven . . . thank you.
While the wave of grief dissolved and my reasonable, accurate and positive thinking returned I found myself experience a desperate determination to give you and your big sister another sibling. Here enters another round on unreasonable thinking . . . I don't think I lost my marbles entirely but seriously what is it with this ability I have to become so consumed by one thought, one idea, one certainty? I don't know if our family will grow but I have realized that it is so incredibly important for me to live and to do so in faith, hope and love. My desperation and certainty that another child was mandatory was overwhelming causing me to lose focus. Like many things in life I am so grateful that I have an incredible husband and amazing family & friends to support me and help me cope with my self pity (yuck!) while being patient and kind. Do I want more babies? Yes! Will I let the possibility of it happening or not happening consume me and prevent me from enjoying today's blessings ever again . . . NO! Thank you God for reminding me of your divine timing and of releasing and letting all things go to you Lord. I have a new found excitement for whatever you have in store for me and for my family.
Sweet boy your big sister has asked so many knew questions about you. She adores you sweet boy. I do my very best to answer her questions honestly and clearly. It's tough, not gonna lie. I've started making a mental list of the questions she may ask that scare me the most in hopes that if I brainstorm what those questions are I will be somewhat prepared. Fat chance, right? There are so many stories that I would like to share to document her love and connection with you but I realize that these stories are hers to share so for now I keep them personal and documented in a private journal. Your sister is so funny sweet boy. I think about how incredibly cute you would sound giggling at her as she makes you laugh because trust me you wouldn't be able to stop some days.
Your dad and I were watching your sister's dance class the other night when someone asked about her. Then the "is she your only one," "any others at home" questions started from other very kind, thoughtful spectators came. If I could scream in type I would insert the most fierce growl right now. Why do I always think about the comfort of others and/or how others would prefer I answer and live to regret my decision for hours, days, weeks after. I decide exactly how I plan to answer questions like this and then when the time comes I've either created the most awkward moment for everyone involved or lied and felt like I couldn't breath from the elephant sized guilt sitting on my chest. It's gotta stop. I am thankful for forgiveness and for another chance. I promise I'll get it right soon baby boy. I'm growing, learning, changing and becoming stronger and stronger every day and in every way. I can do this.
Which leads me to my last thought of the night (because seriously I should be so asleep right now and I need to settle my mind) . . . I've written about this song before but have to share it again. This song brings me so much comfort and I am grateful for the long drives to work when I can pray, talk to you sweet boy and turn this song up so loud while singing it like I am so good (so, so not good) . . . a reminder thanks to my sister who introduced the song to me 2+ years ago and another mom I met online who encouraged me to envision God singing it to me . . . not alone then, now or ever.
Link to song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Af8mB9ABuJA
xoxo sweet boy
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