I was surprised today to see that my sweet boy's blog has continued to be viewed over the last four years and even some recently. It warmed my heart to wonder if our journey and Evan's awesome life has continued to provide knowledge, comfort, or maybe peace to anyone experiencing a similar journey. I have not written here in so long for various reasons. I have found this to be a place of healing for me in the past so today I write in hopes that my experiences, my journey, my story may help another as I know so many other brave women, men and children sharing their stories of survival with me has been helpful. I write for my own healing.
Evan is always on my mind and in my heart. I was reminded this week that Evan's due date was yesterday. This reminder came from the best doctor I could have ever hoped for along our journey. Evan was born into our arms on 9/1/11 but before we knew of his diagnosis and changes that came as a result we expected to meet our little baby closer to 9/22/11. I was surprised I had forgotten this date and was grateful for the reminder. I realized again that the little things (a thoughtful reminder and acknowledgment) truly are the big things. I know in my heart she remembers Evan with us because she shows us any chance she has - did I mention how incredible she is?! :)
Our journey of growing our family was a challenging one since we felt ready to try again after our sweet boy was born. Bottom line ... Trying equaled not successful. So our journey took a shift. We stopped trying and focused our energy on planning for ways we could continue to celebrate the beautiful family we had already been blessed with, help other children and families, celebrate our sweet boy in heaven and our beautiful girl on earth. My awesome husband got us both excited about our future in which we thought being "young" empty nesters had some appeal (and boy did we have some ideas - we were planning and having fun daydreaming about our future together - which truthfully no matter what will consist of me following my daughter wherever she may go driving her insane :).
Then, wouldn't you know it ... The unexpected happened.
I wish I could say this part of the story has an ending we dreamed of but unfortunately that's not true. What I can tell you is that recently our third precious child joined his big brother in heaven. I can tell you Evan has a part of me and his daddy with him in heaven. How about that? I can tell you my husband is a brave man with an incredible heart. I can tell you that every day I grow stronger. I'm not afraid to suffer because I know I will survive. I can tell you that our daughter does not know this pain because my husband advocated for waiting to share and I can now say he is the smartest guy I know (way smarter than me who was ready to shout from the rooftops - this is why God gave me an incredible man quite opposite from me in many ways - balance). I can tell you that we have the most loving, supportive, gentle, insightful, spiritual family anyone could ever hope for and for that we are eternally grateful. We have the most incredible friends who are about as similar to our family as you can imagine (amazing!).
It's early so I know this storm is not over but in time we will be prepared for the rainbows God has in store for us whatever they may be. I also know that we WILL be stronger, braver and wiser than we were before. We will be ready to grow and change as God has planned for us. His message for me this past Sunday ... Be brave, lay down, trust in Him. I will be brave. I will trust Him.
My newest addition will not suffer and now has peace. I will search for the purpose of our suffering and use it to fuel my fire, my energy, my heart and love. I will be gentle with myself, my family, my friends and anyone I may have the privilege to come into contact with. I encourage you to be gentle with others as well.
We don't know the journey others have been on or are currently experiencing. We don't always know the pain they may be battling/masking ... Be gentle with yourself and one another. Always.
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