Happy 8th Heavenly Birthday Sweet Boy

I woke up. I fed our fur babies, took them out, surveyed what chores needed to be done, and then walked in circles. My mind raced with questions like "what should I do, what could I do, and what makes the most sense for me to do." Should I do dishes? I would do dishes if it was my daughter's birthday morning so that seemed safe.  Should I tend to Evan's garden, pull weeds, and get muddy? That seemed safer as I love being in nature on Evan's birthday. Could I listen to music that won't make me puddle up in the tears I was fighting? Could I plan another heavenly birthday celebration the way I always intend with love, peace, joy, and hope in my heart and soul when all I really want to be doing is snuggling an 8 year old boy who wakes up with giggles because I sing horribly? What would make the most sense for me to do?

Nothing.  Nothing makes sense.

I couldn't place the icky feeling I was experiencing and it was making me angrier by the second.  Evan's birthday is not the day for negativity.  It's a day of love, joy, peace, hope, and celebration.  I ignored the icky feelings and did a few dishes.  A mix of frustration and anger emerged.  My chest developed an uncomfortable heaviness.  I sought relief by moving outside and began working in Evan's garden. There may have been an embarrassing adult temper tantrum.  Thank goodness for privacy fences and landscaping.  I cleaned up and headed back inside.  I picked up a few items and started dishes again. I played music. I cried. Nothing was making sense. 

I lit Evan's candle at 8:59am and thanked God for our beautiful boy.

For many people, reaching for their Bible in a time like this is what makes perfect sense.  For me, it often times becomes more overwhelming as I have a lot of growth needed when it comes to understanding the Bible the way I hope to some day.  However, I knew that seeking God and His word made sense.  I don't remember what I googled or how I came across it this morning, but the first thing I read was an article on desiringGod.org titled "Six Words to Say Through Tears".  Here I found my answer to what makes sense.

I can trust God with this.

I can trust God to heal my aching heart.
I can trust God to speak to me when I am angry and overwhelmed with the absence of my sweet boy.
I can trust God to replace the emptiness I feel with the fullness my heart desires.
I can trust God with unanswered questions until my faith becomes sight. 
I can trust God to restore peace, love, joy, and hope to our sweet boy's beautiful, precious 8th heavenly birthday. 
I can trust God to help me make sense when nothing, absolutely nothing, makes sense.

Evan Matthew, you sweet boy are a force to be reckoned with.  You make your presence known through hearts in the sky, hearts your sister and I find in food (seriously it seems unreal how many perfect hearts we find in our food on a regular basis), yellow butterflies fluttering by outside

or in our windows, beautiful bright red Cardinals who visit, and on and on. We see you.  We feel you.  We know you.  We celebrate you.  Most of all, we absolutely love and adore you sweet boy.

Happy 8th heavenly birthday Evan Matthew!! Shine bright little one! We see you sweet boy.