Happy 7th heavenly birthday sweet boy. My heart aches to know you at seven. I want to see what your face would look like. I want to know if you would smile and show all your beautiful teeth or would you have a cute little smirk? I want to know what your giggle would sound like when you are laughing at your funny dad and big sister. I want to know if you would still let me hold you in my lap and curl you up in my arms just because or if you would prefer hugs and snuggles close beside me. I want to know if you would be making slime with your sister or if you would be making fun of her because (seriously Ev) she has literally bought a warehouse supply of glue and made so much slime. I want to know what your favorite color would be and if you would settle on one or have a love for many. I want to know if you would be wild or tame, shy or outgoing. There's so much more I want to know but one thing is certain. I am grateful beyond words for what I do know.
I know you are loved so deeply. I know you are saved. I know you are in our hearts, minds, presence all the time. Grateful doesn't describe how we feel about the reminders of you that we receive. I wish I could have captured them all over the years. I am grateful for the ones we did capture in picture so I'll always have the reminder for your big sister who by the way is far better than me at recognizing your sweet hellos, messages of love, and little visits. We find your hearts EVERYWHERE sweet boy. Hearts in a watermelon, pineapple, chips and rocks shaped like hearts, somehow stamped on parking lot black top, carved deep in the gravel/sand on Katy trail, in a leaf hanging from a spiderweb during a trail hike, and the list goes on. Sometimes we take pictures because even we can't believe what we are seeing. Your hearts are perfect and I can't imagine having journeyed all this time without them. Thank you my sweet boy.
I'm so grateful God knows what our hearts need. I thank Him every day for the strength and hope He brings us through your hearts and other beautiful reminders of your precious life and our amazing love. And I would never forget the beautiful butterfly that seems to be with us everywhere we go. Your sister has squealed in delight many times at the joy of being circled and chased by your butterfly. Other times, she has a quiet moment and whispers softly to the butterfly. She has probably seen me do this. The times I am blessed to catch her in one of these beautiful moments I am reminded of this . . . what brings us comfort must not be judged by others, but practiced by those in need of comfort so that we can continue to be strong and live a life of hope and healing.
So back to what today is all about . . . your birthday! Lucky seven! We will celebrate you on earth as we do every year. We will laugh and love and play and cheer. We will celebrate your life!
I will finish this entry and wipe away my selfish tears and be the momma you deserve because my sweet, strong, brave boy, you deserve the very best. Thank you for living so wild that we could know you and your personality while I carried you, thank you for holding on strong for a long full pregnancy so that we could have more time with you and you could be born alive, thank you for letting me whisper my love and admiration for you in your cute little ears before you passed. Rest in peace sweet boy.
I'll leave with a quote from your big sister, which she shared with me during a car ride just the other day. "The day Evan was born he came out and went up. That's really pretty special right mom."
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