So, today I was determined to check out Macy's for more perfect little boy outfits for my little man. My daughter and I enjoyed a visit at Nana's and then the two of us were off to the mall for the first time in a while on a hunt for precious baby clothes. I started experiencing strong contractions shortly after we arrived to the mall. They were so strong at one point that they actually caused a little pain. I thought that maybe Evan got super excited to shop with momma (yea right, no one gets excited to shop with me :-) but as we were leaving I realized that maybe I should have taken it as a sign to get the heck outta dodge . . .

My daughter and I looked and looked but were struggling to find something we loved. Then we stumbled across the cutest "little brother" gift set with a onesie, pants, cap and socks on major sale and so of course we had to get that. We continued looking and then decided to take a break and head to my daughter's section. After finding lots of adorable things for her we (me especially) enjoyed sitting on a bed (section just next to hers) talking about which swimsuit to get her. An employee walked by and stopped to ask me if I knew what I was having. "A boy," I said with pleasure and then went back to talking with my daughter. The woman then asked my daughter if she was ready to meet her baby brother. My daughter responded with a rather sad "no." I got caught up in her response recognizing that what used to be a wonderfully excited "YES" had turned into a sad "no." I wondered if she too was experiencing the unbearable sadness due to the fact that meeting our sweet boy face to face means that we will soon have to say goodbye . . .

The woman was still present when I came back from my deep thought and I heard my daughter explain that her brother is sick and won't be coming home . . . the woman looked at me and I smiled with a nod while wrapping my arm around my girl. The woman then began telling my daughter that her brother would get all better and come home, she would get to feed him and change his diapers . . . I thought I was going to scream. I felt so many emotions at once from anger for her not just letting it go when my daughter said our baby was sick to a feeling I can't describe as I wondered could this stranger be right and then realizing of course not and back to extreme anger and frustration. I didn't have time to ask God to help me stay strong and keep my composure but He must have been present because before I knew it the woman was gone and my daughter and I were on our way to the register. I honestly have no idea if I said anything to end the conversation . . . it seemed as though there were seconds, minutes just completely lost as I stood there with my heart pounding holding my baby girl's hand.

After we left, my daughter asked me if she would get to feed her brother. I felt the lump of tears developing in my throat. I told her that if she wanted to come to the hospital she could rock her baby to sleep, hold him as long as she wanted, sing to him, tell him stories, and read to him. Initially, I started to tell her she would definitely get to feed him if he were hungry but realized I didn't want to make too many promises I couldn't keep. Therefore, I explained that he might not be hungry because his tummy will be full. My precious girl smiled so sweetly as she was imagining these possibilities while also understanding and recognizing what we know to be true regarding her brothers short life. I cried silently and thanked God for my beautiful babies.