When I wake up with an incredible weight on my chest and tears flowing down my cheeks as I did this morning and so many others I pray to God for strength and courage, which eventually brings me to an early morning view of every single email I have ever received about Evan, including hotmaill messages and messages on FB that I've saved via email. I love Evan's file in my hotmail account. I never forget those who have provided so much comfort and love since we've learned of our son's diagnosis. But, on mornings such as these the reminder and being able to read messages documenting the love and support for my sweet boy and our family is a blessing.
My sweet boy is 32 weeks and 1 day today. We have an appointment on Friday with my obstetrician to determine the day that she will induce labor. Whether we induce at 40 weeks or 38, as we have discussed, the bottom line is within 6-8 weeks that day will come and too soon thereafter my boy will be in heaven. As each day passes I feel this incredible weight of pain and sadness growing making it difficult to breath at times.
I came across so many beautiful emails that reminded me of the growth and changes I have experienced through this journey. Reminders of how lucky I am to be Evan's mommy and how blessed I am to carry this beautiful boy. I am reminded of the incredible love of family and friends. I opened an email from my little sister just days after we learned of Evan's diagnosis and were still in shock. She attached a beautiful song to help explain how she felt about me. I have listened to it a hundred times this morning crying . . . smiling.
I know that Evan and I have come a very long way together and I won't let him down. I will never let him go. I will honor his life today, tomorrow and every day of my life to come . . . until we meet again . . . I will never let you go my sweet baby boy.
Now just imagine... the depth of your love for your little boy is little compared to the way God loves you... listen to that song again and imagine your heavenly Father singing it to you... He won't let you go. While you are carrying your sweet boy, He is carrying you. praying for your heart... I know that weight on your chest that you mentioned. I felt it every day with Rachel too and still do often. I'm sorry for your pain. love you ♥
ReplyDeleteWhen I sent you this song I wanted you to know that I am here for you and I will not let go. Now when I listen to the song, it has so much more meaning. I not only hear how I feel about you, I also hear it as God saying he will not be letting go and he is here with you, Rory, Iley, Evan and all of us. I also hear you Tessa. This song speaks just how you have been with Evan. You are a truly amazing Mother. Not only will you never let go, but you have allowed us all to be with Evan too. I cannot thank you enough for that. Evan has taught me so much about life. He is one strong little boy, I know because I felt him! :). I will never let go my precious nephew. Your memory and all that you have taught me will never be forgotten.
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