Faith, Hope and Love . . .

We were given two options . . . terminate or carry. I wish I could say that I knew instantly that I was going to carry our son to term. I didn't. I didn't know anything for certain except one very important thing . . . While I have relied on my faith and reached out to God through prayer in good times and bad so many times before, I knew for certain if there was ever a time I needed Him most it was now. So, with no other answers and so much confusion and sadness I began to pray asking for guidance, comfort, peace, and strength. There were so many questions, so many unknowns. I never blamed God but I do remember during those first few days many silent screams and times that I begged Him for an answer. Why God? Why our little boy? Why my family? Why is our baby girl's little brother never going to come home? I didn't know the answer those several days after learning of his diagnosis and I don't claim to know the answer fully now but what I do know is that my little boy is teaching me to love even deeper and live even stronger than I ever knew possible. He is changing my life and has been such a positive influence on me. I know that his life has so much purpose and I believe with all of my heart that his short little life will have a tremendous positive impact on so many lives. My husband and I explored both options thinking of our little boy (is he experiencing pain? will he experience pain when he is born?), our daughter, each other and our families. We searched for an answer until we didn't . . . I prayed for guidance . . . direction throughout our search for understanding. I remember the moment I realized that I would carry our son. I remember feeling so scared and so full of love. I knew I would find strength through God. I hoped for peace (for our son, my husband, daughter, myself and our family) and understanding and above all I knew and could never deny that I had fallen deeply in love with my son long before we knew of his diagnosis. I knew that his imperfect condition was a very small matter compared to how perfect he is and will always be to me.
"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."  ~ 1 Corinthians 13