I woke before anyone this morning and sat down to watch Joel Osteen. Today's message was about connecting yourself to the right people. During his ministry, Mr. Osteen used an analogy about knowing when you are connecting yourself with the right people (people who support you, your dream, your goals, etc.). He said that you will know that you are when you feel your baby inside you kick, push, etc. I found it so interesting how literally I was taking this analogy. It was a good message for anyone but it seemed to be so fitting for me as well. I have realized how important it is for me right now to surround myself with people who will allow me and want me to celebrate my son in their presence. I know that illness and death (or the coming of it I guess I should say) are two very difficult subjects to think and talk about and everyone handles it differently. Of course, I respect that. However, I am celebrating Evan's life and I am so appreciative of my loved ones who celebrate his life with me.
I become more fearful by the day of the upcoming appointments my husband and I will attend due to the questions the doctors and other hospital professionals will have about our wishes for our son after he passes. I keep thinking about how important planning will be but it is overcome by the desire to tell everyone to just stop, stop talking, stop thinking about the end ... I want to say to them . . . if you don't have anything to say about his life then do not speak to me because I do not want to discuss his death right now. Again, I know this is reality and important but it's just the way I feel now.
Back to the message this morning . . . I was listening to Mr. Osteen and thought again about how important it will be for me to remember the people who help me celebrate my son's life. I will need to remember these people, their love and support when I'm in these appointments and planning for our future. I thought about how I truly believe Evan knows when we are around people who support us and celebrate his life because I feel him becoming active and joyful. I thought about how true Mr. Osteen's message is.
I used to fear strangers asking me about my pregnancy. Now, I embrace it. Yesterday, my mom, my daughter and I went to get afternoon pedicures (mom's treat!). It was my daughter's first pedicure!! Mine was so relaxing I kept falling asleep around 8pm last night! While we were in the nail salon the ladies were asking about my daughter, her upcoming birthday party and my son. One lady asked if I knew what I was having. I told her a boy and she replied "oh perfect." I sat there relaxing and thinking about this response. She is so right. It is perfect! I will have forever been blessed with a beautiful daughter and amazing son and nothing will ever take that away from me. Hearing her excitement about my pregnancy, about my Evan, made me feel so appreciative.